DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was involved in an event that was a little funny and at the same time a little aggravating. It was like the joke where the guy goes into the dressing room and thinks the person in the next booth is talking to him, only to find that that person is talking on a cell phone.

While I was in a restroom stall of a very busy office building, a man went into the stall next to mine and started a conversation. At first I was close to answering him, but fortunately I quickly realized that he was talking on his cell. Then I realized that I was about to make noises that should only be heard in a privy. Now I'm starting to feel embarrassed and a little angry at the thought of being broadcasted to who knows where.

I was at a loss. I didn't go to the restroom to listen to others conducting business on the phone. I've always been a little shy in public restrooms, and the idea of his call going to a meeting where the other party may be listening on a speakerphone did nothing for my confidence. So I just sat there hoping he would leave so I could finish in private.

Is it wrong for me to flush and make other noises that may disrupt his call?

GENTLE READER: Why do you feel that you would be the one to bear the embarrassment? Has it not occurred to you who the caller's listeners will imagine created those noises?

Miss Manners assures you that etiquette is contextual. What you did was not improper in a restroom; what the other person did was.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A baby shower invitation (for the guest of honor's second baby) that I received is trendy and rhymes, listing all the details necessary in an invitation. But included was a slip of paper (I thought it might be directions) that states, "This is not a shower, so no gifts please. However, there are contributions being taken for the "clean the stalls and feed the horses fund. We don't want ___ traipsing up and down the hill (to the barn) after giving birth."

I am puzzled how a baby shower can be turned into a feed the horses fund. I would think that she will be needing diapers and supplies!

Please advise! Should I even go? Should I bring a gift? Should I pretend that I didn't get that slip of paper with these instructions? I want to do the right thing, but am shocked at this kind of request.

GENTLE READER: The right thing for whom? For hungry horses? For someone who looks at those kind enough to honor her and sees disposable income?

Miss Manners is afraid that the hosts were correct in saying that this is not a baby shower. It is not intended to welcome the baby but to augment the income of the mother. You should treat it as you do other fund-raising events, which is to say, go only if you believe in the cause and are willing to support it.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm a writer whose latest invention is a sort of memoir. Some of it involves information that is quite personal, including abuse history. (I'll use a pseudonym.)

I am not one to divulge overly personal information with a new acquaintance on the first meeting; neither would I ever go on a talk show to air my dirty laundry. But I feel that a written work is somehow different.

What, if any, is the difference between a memoir in which personal information is being spread by way of print rather than in conversation with strangers? Obviously, the reader is not placed in the difficult position of having to listen -- if they don't like the book, they can put it down. Any other thoughts?

GENTLE READER: Another big difference is that you can claim you have done it for the sake of art. Miss Manners prefers that explanation to the one about how it makes you feel better to get everything out. The inattention to how it makes others feel seems to hang there in the silence.

As you point out, you have protected potentially reluctant confidantes by putting it into a book instead of into the ears of anyone you happen to meet. You are also protecting the abuser, which not everyone wants to do, by using a pseudonym. Miss Manners hopes that you are being equally considerate of others in your life who may not want to have their privacy violated, even if you treat them favorably.

But you are leaving yourself wide open. Strangers may now feel free to discuss your personal life with you, and you cannot depend on everyone's taking the sympathetic point of view with which you presumably present yourself. Nosiness is a big problem in modern society, and Miss Manners is constantly asked to supply polite ways to say "none of your business" to unauthorized questioners and advisers.

She would not be able to protect you, however. You will have made your personal life the business of your readers. Perhaps you do not mind that -- or you are willing to sacrifice yourself for the sake of art.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The rules for wearing white shoes in summer have me wondering. No white shoes after Labor Day is clear. But we do wear them on Labor Day weekend? What about Memorial Day weekend? Must we wait until Monday to wear our white shoes or spectator pumps? Or may we wear them on Saturday or Sunday of Memorial Day weekend?

GENTLE READER: Allow Miss Manners to thank you for not arguing about the validity of the rule. It is a source of amazement to her that of all the pronouncements she makes having to do with personal, professional and political life, this is the one that attracts the most vehement opposition.

Memorial Day (not Easter, as some claim) and Labor Day are the boundaries of the American white shoe season. The start of each would be just after midnight on that date, for those who are awake at that time but have not kicked their shoes under the drinks table. Therefore, the weekend before Memorial Day would be too early to begin, but the weekend before Labor Day occurs before the closing deadline.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Do you have any suggestions on how to announce to friends to stop taking tastes of my food and/or beverage?

One friend happily took her straw out of her drink and announced, "I'd like to taste that."

I responded, "Oh, I don't like people tasting my drinks or taking portions of my meal." She apologized.

Another time, another friend announced to the food server, "I am on a diet so I'll have a few of her fries."

I said to him, "Please order some because I don't like people picking from my plate."

I believe I am considered unfriendly or selfish by wanting them to eat their meals and let me eat my meal. One waitress brought two spoons with my dessert in case I wanted to "share." I returned the spoon to her.

One Sunday, a friend who attends many formal business lunches and dinners, so I assumed would have great manners, reached over and took one of the croutons from my salad and announced, "Not bad."

Two weeks later, he said, "Excuse me" and took a spoonful of my cappuccino and said, "Too sweet for me."

I don't need a running commentary on my meals. I am probably going to say to him, "I guess I forgot to tell you what most of my friends know: I don't like people poking around in my food so please don't reach over and take any of my food or beverage" unless you can present something more polite.

Other people dislike people eating from their plates but don't want to ruffle feathers.

Is that coffee you're drinking, Miss Manners? I think I'd like a taste. Here's my spoon.

GENTLE READER: Here, take the whole cup. We can order another one. And you need to find some friends who have been civilized beyond the hunting-and-gathering era.

Miss Manners sees nothing wrong in your desire to protect your food from predators. But since they are your predators, with whom you choose to eat, she suggests a softer approach than your remarks about disliking their picking and poking.

The reply to "I'll have a few of her fries" should be "I'm going to be eating all of mine, so you should order your own." To "I'd like to taste that," try "Then let's ask the waitress to bring you some." And to the unauthorized plunge, it is to turn over the dish saying, "No, that's all right, you take it. I'll order another."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When is it all right to change an RSVP? I know that, if I reply that I'll attend, I need to contact the host immediately if I find I cannot attend, but if I reply that I cannot attend but then plans change and I find that I can attend after all, is it all right to call the host and change my reply, or does my original reply stand?

GENTLE READER: It is still standing, and you can't just kick it back open, but you can knock on it and petition to be readmitted. (Could Miss Manners please be excused for a moment while she ducks this runaway metaphor? Thank you.)

Instead of announcing, "I can be there after all," as if you were conferring an honor, you should say, "I wish I hadn't declined, because it turns out that I'm free, after all. I don't suppose you still have room?"

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