DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a single woman without children. Two years ago, I was very upset because I had just broken off a relationship of two years that I thought was headed for marriage.

Shortly after that, I turned 38 and as a birthday present, my sister (who is married with four kids) gave me a picture frame that said "family." I was offended but didn't tell her anything and exchanged the frame for something else.

This year, I am still single and turned 40. For my birthday, my sister gave me a picture frame that says: "Love is what binds us together... FAMILY." Upon unwrapping this gift, my reaction was to ask, "What picture am I going to put in it?"

I know my sister means well in giving me these gifts but I find them offensive. Is it just me? Am I overly sensitive? Should I just continue to be quiet and gracious about it?

GENTLE READER: You do have a family. You just told Miss Manners that you have a sister and a brother-in-law and four nieces and/or nephews.

Of course, if your sister has a history of cruelty, and you really believe that she is trying to taunt you by making you look at empty frames to emphasize your lack of a husband and children, she might not inspire warm family feelings. But is it not remotely possible that this is her way of reminding you that she and her brood are your family and that they love you?

You can test this out by asking for a picture of them to put in the frame. If your sister seems pleased, then yes, you were being overly sensitive. If she chuckles and says that's not what the frame is for, Miss Manners will concede and allow you to add to your thanks that you will put it away in case you ever need it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My neighbor's daughter sent me a college graduation announcement. In fact, I am pretty sure she sent one to half of the block.

To be honest with you, we have only lived in our house for four years and she was away at college most of the time. We have interacted about five times and she has never been anything but rude.

Are we expected to send a gift/check because she sent an announcement? I think that would be rather presumptuous of her. Are announcements just announcements? Or is something expected in return?

GENTLE READER: Whether the presumptions you and the neighbors are making about each other -- yours that they are trolling for presents and perhaps theirs that you have to comply -- are correct or not, Miss Manners cannot say. But your presumption about the etiquette of the situation is incorrect. An announcement is just an announcement. It is not a bill. The something that should be made in return is a note of congratulations.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I have two sons and five grandchildren. We will have our 50th wedding anniversary this year. Do we plan our 50th party or do our children plan a party? Is it supposed to be (if they plan it) a surprise party? As of today, not one word has been mentioned about it. My wife and I have talked about it, and have decided we would not say anything about this being our 50th year. Wait and see if they think of it.

What should we do? Remind them? Plan it ourselves? Or just the two of us (if we don't hear anything) take a cruise by ourselves and say nothing to anybody?

GENTLE READER: And there you will be, lounging in your deck chairs, gazing at the sparkling water, perhaps reaching over to take each other's hands, and reflecting on the years you have shared and the betrayal of your children and grandchildren.

Mind you, Miss Manners would not consider it a betrayal. As charming as it may be to throw parents an anniversary party, it is not an absolute duty. There could be reasons besides forgetfulness or callousness for their not doing so -- practical reasons or even the mistaken belief that this is not what you would most enjoy.

If there is one thing you should have learned in 50 years of marriage, it is not to set up secret tests for those you love. You only succeed in bewildering and embittering them when they unknowingly fail and you go into a funk.

If you and your wife would like to have a party, throw a party. If you want to go on a cruise, do so. But whatever you do, tell your children. You can even say, "We're giving ourselves a party, and it would be wonderful if you could come, and maybe co-host it with us if you'd like."

It would not be a tragedy if they then complained that you've spoiled their surprise. If they say that in spite of not having yet thought about your anniversary, Miss Manners will congratulate you on having bright children.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper way to greet a former lover, when the reason he is "former" is because he dropped me for someone new? We will run into each other again, most likely in front of mutual friends who will undoubtedly be watching for any actions on my part as the spurned lover.

GENTLE READER: Is Miss Manners correct in thinking that you would like to disappoint them? Then she can offer you a tremendous incentive for being gracious, even effusive toward both the former and the someone new.

It is that onlookers will conclude that if you did not actually dump him, you were at least relieved to have someone take him off your hands, and can't help feeling grateful to them both for your release. However, if you are snippy, they will all think, "Poor thing, she is still bitter." Which impression would you rather leave?

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am disabled and do my grocery shopping once a month when my Social Security check arrives. My best friend brings me to the store, takes her half of the list, loads the groceries into her car, and then carries them into my house.

She is a wonderful human being and I love her and appreciate her help. I always give her gas money and take her to lunch on shopping day.

Because she's so good, I like to take her to decent restaurants, where she invariably orders the most expensive thing on the menu. If there is a shrimp dish costing $24.95, be certain she will order it. I generally get something in the $8 range. While I have to agree to the venue, she usually picks the restaurant.

What can I do? While not poor, my husband and I have the occasional struggle to pay a bill or two. Because of my disability, we have very little discretionary income.

Am I being a wuss? Should I just tell her I cannot handle this tab? She knows my circumstances, and I guess I always just hope she'll consider them. I really do love her very much, and she's very good to me, but these lunches are breaking the bank. What can I do?

GENTLE READER: Take her out to an indecent restaurant.

No, wait, that's not quite what Miss Manners meant. She only wanted to point out that since you are the hostess, you may choose the restaurant. It is true that a lady is supposed to order from the middle of the menu, but since your friend does not, you should take her to a place with a more reasonable top line. Or take her out to a luxurious tea or breakfast.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a friend who has gotten into the habit of phoning me from the gym while she is actively working out on a piece of cardio equipment. These are not urgent communications, and there would be nothing lost in waiting a couple of hours to get in touch with me.

Fortunately, I have yet to pick up the phone for one of these calls, but instead, I get literally breathless voicemail messages that are hard to listen to and just plain annoying. Moreover, I am always irritated when I'm at the gym within earshot of a fellow exerciser on his/her cell phone and don't relish the idea of being the person on the other end when my friend commits this same inconsiderate act.

My question is -- would it be petty of me to request that my friend NOT call me while she is in the midst of her workout? And, if not, would it be going too far to mention, in addition, that talking on the phone is rude to others at her gym?

GENTLE READER: You have already solved most of your problem by not answering the telephone. If the messages annoy you, you can tell your friend that you naturally hung up when you heard heavy breathing, not dreaming it was she. Or that you couldn't understand the message.

It is only when you want to go beyond solving your problem to reforming others that Miss Manners worries about your venturing into rudeness.

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