DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I have two sons and five grandchildren. We will have our 50th wedding anniversary this year. Do we plan our 50th party or do our children plan a party? Is it supposed to be (if they plan it) a surprise party? As of today, not one word has been mentioned about it. My wife and I have talked about it, and have decided we would not say anything about this being our 50th year. Wait and see if they think of it.

What should we do? Remind them? Plan it ourselves? Or just the two of us (if we don't hear anything) take a cruise by ourselves and say nothing to anybody?

GENTLE READER: And there you will be, lounging in your deck chairs, gazing at the sparkling water, perhaps reaching over to take each other's hands, and reflecting on the years you have shared and the betrayal of your children and grandchildren.

Mind you, Miss Manners would not consider it a betrayal. As charming as it may be to throw parents an anniversary party, it is not an absolute duty. There could be reasons besides forgetfulness or callousness for their not doing so -- practical reasons or even the mistaken belief that this is not what you would most enjoy.

If there is one thing you should have learned in 50 years of marriage, it is not to set up secret tests for those you love. You only succeed in bewildering and embittering them when they unknowingly fail and you go into a funk.

If you and your wife would like to have a party, throw a party. If you want to go on a cruise, do so. But whatever you do, tell your children. You can even say, "We're giving ourselves a party, and it would be wonderful if you could come, and maybe co-host it with us if you'd like."

It would not be a tragedy if they then complained that you've spoiled their surprise. If they say that in spite of not having yet thought about your anniversary, Miss Manners will congratulate you on having bright children.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper way to greet a former lover, when the reason he is "former" is because he dropped me for someone new? We will run into each other again, most likely in front of mutual friends who will undoubtedly be watching for any actions on my part as the spurned lover.

GENTLE READER: Is Miss Manners correct in thinking that you would like to disappoint them? Then she can offer you a tremendous incentive for being gracious, even effusive toward both the former and the someone new.

It is that onlookers will conclude that if you did not actually dump him, you were at least relieved to have someone take him off your hands, and can't help feeling grateful to them both for your release. However, if you are snippy, they will all think, "Poor thing, she is still bitter." Which impression would you rather leave?

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am disabled and do my grocery shopping once a month when my Social Security check arrives. My best friend brings me to the store, takes her half of the list, loads the groceries into her car, and then carries them into my house.

She is a wonderful human being and I love her and appreciate her help. I always give her gas money and take her to lunch on shopping day.

Because she's so good, I like to take her to decent restaurants, where she invariably orders the most expensive thing on the menu. If there is a shrimp dish costing $24.95, be certain she will order it. I generally get something in the $8 range. While I have to agree to the venue, she usually picks the restaurant.

What can I do? While not poor, my husband and I have the occasional struggle to pay a bill or two. Because of my disability, we have very little discretionary income.

Am I being a wuss? Should I just tell her I cannot handle this tab? She knows my circumstances, and I guess I always just hope she'll consider them. I really do love her very much, and she's very good to me, but these lunches are breaking the bank. What can I do?

GENTLE READER: Take her out to an indecent restaurant.

No, wait, that's not quite what Miss Manners meant. She only wanted to point out that since you are the hostess, you may choose the restaurant. It is true that a lady is supposed to order from the middle of the menu, but since your friend does not, you should take her to a place with a more reasonable top line. Or take her out to a luxurious tea or breakfast.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a friend who has gotten into the habit of phoning me from the gym while she is actively working out on a piece of cardio equipment. These are not urgent communications, and there would be nothing lost in waiting a couple of hours to get in touch with me.

Fortunately, I have yet to pick up the phone for one of these calls, but instead, I get literally breathless voicemail messages that are hard to listen to and just plain annoying. Moreover, I am always irritated when I'm at the gym within earshot of a fellow exerciser on his/her cell phone and don't relish the idea of being the person on the other end when my friend commits this same inconsiderate act.

My question is -- would it be petty of me to request that my friend NOT call me while she is in the midst of her workout? And, if not, would it be going too far to mention, in addition, that talking on the phone is rude to others at her gym?

GENTLE READER: You have already solved most of your problem by not answering the telephone. If the messages annoy you, you can tell your friend that you naturally hung up when you heard heavy breathing, not dreaming it was she. Or that you couldn't understand the message.

It is only when you want to go beyond solving your problem to reforming others that Miss Manners worries about your venturing into rudeness.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Many of my friends keep blogs -- online diaries and discussion forums -- as a casual way to keep in touch with distant friends and as another forum for social chatter with friends who live nearby.

One friend recently commented in her blog that she hadn't enjoyed the novel she'd just read. To her surprise, the novel's author found the post after searching the Web for his own name and responded angrily to her "review."

Although we are all aware that blogs can be read by any friend or stranger who passes by, our own blogs are so mundane that they are usually only read by our own friends, and we like it that way. We tend to think of blogs as being akin to conversations with friends at a public cafe -- while they might be overheard by strangers, we don't really expect them to, or expect strangers to get involved.

Should we instead be thinking of blogs as something more like letters published in the newspaper? Or simply refrain from keeping blogs and put more effort into writing letters? Letters sound good in theory, but in practice I have trouble deriving the same sense of community from them.

From time to time, people post announcements or invitations to parties on their blogs. If I read such an invitation in the blog of one of my closest friends, I take it as a personal invitation and respond accordingly. If I read an invitation on the blog of a more distant friend, or a friend-of-a-friend, I am not sure whether I should consider myself invited (and send a reply as to whether or not I can attend) or whether I should assume it is intended for others and ignore it. What is the proper reaction?

GENTLE READER: You believed that Internet users turn discreetly away when they realize that something is not intended for them? And people accuse Miss Manners of not living in the real world!

You can hardly go more public than putting things online. We used to use the phrase "shouting it from the rooftops" to indicate going public, but you could shout yourself hoarse, put it in the newspapers, announce it on television, and still not reach a fraction of the potential audience of your blog.

Indeed, that is the attraction for most bloggers, Miss Manners is given to understand. Few diarists of old could hope to reach anyone beyond a suspicious parent or spouse.

True, this is only a potential audience. Not everyone wants to spend time following the lives and thoughts of strangers. But as you found out, you cannot control entry. Nor can you fault those who participate and who assume that publicly issued invitations included them.

There are more private means at your disposal. Isn't Miss Manners the one who is supposed to think first of letters, and everyone else to think of e-mail?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband was asked to play the organ at a wedding next month. The groom said that would be the gift. However, we just received a wedding invitation with a card enclosed advising us where they are registered for gifts. Since my husband is the church organist and not charging for this as the "gift," are we required to purchase a second present? The couple aren't friends or relatives of ours, just members of the church.

GENTLE READER: Your husband has already been cheated out of the fee for his services. You owed no present for a wedding you would not have otherwise attended. And Miss Manners can assure you that you certainly do not owe two. The bridegroom is just trolling for freebies from others as he did from you.

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