DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a friend who is always commenting on how I sound. During our phone conversations, she might say, "You sound good" (if I have enthusiasm in my voice), or "You sound tired" or "You sound down today."

My internal reaction is always to feel judged, evaluated, scrutinized, though I never convey this. I respond pleasantly, but wish I could communicate that her seeming expression of interest in me rather conveys some sort of distance, like she is sitting in judgment. What would feel far more respectful and gracious is to be asked a question. To me, it makes a world of difference if someone says, "Are you tired today?" versus "You sound tired."

What I tend to do when speaking with her is to be very self-conscious, and to force my voice tone to sound enthusiastic, regardless of how I might be really feeling. This tends to minimize further evaluative statements from her, though it leaves me feeling that the friendship is rather shallow and insincere.

Am I nitpicking here and ultra-sensitive? Or are reactions like this common? I should add that the reason I haven't expressed my true feelings is that I'm certain she would feel insulted, hurt and angry -- and that it would seriously compromise the friendship.

GENTLE READER: Yes, it is common to feel annoyed at this awkward gambit, and yes, you are being overly sensitive. Miss Manners observes that you have overanalyzed a merely ill-chosen manner of expression until you have turned it into something close to insult.

Your friend's intention is not to judge you, but to show you that she is sensitive to your moods. It is annoying when she guesses wrong because it demonstrates that she isn't. It is annoying when she guesses right, because it suggests that your demeanor gives everything away.

Most annoying of all is to tell people that they sound or look tired. However they seemed, they are worse after hearing that statement.

The phrase you need is "on the contrary." If told you look tired, it would be, "On the contrary, I feel marvelous." If told you sound good, it might be, "On the contrary, I'm rather preoccupied." After a barrage of such defeats, your friend may have the sense to give up and wait to be told how you feel by the only person who knows for sure.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Plain and simple: My fiance's mother is remarried to a man who has two adult daughters (both in their 20s). My fiance and I barely know them. Sometimes, we can't even remember which one is which!

My fiance's mother INSISTS that we invite both of them, along with their significant others that we REALLY don't know, to our wedding. We were not planning on inviting them, but now that his mother has said something, do we invite them because it's the "right" thing to do or do we stick to our guns about only inviting people that are special to us to our wedding?

GENTLE READER: Stick to guns that you are pointing at relatives to prevent them from trespassing on your private territory?

Miss Manners hopes not. Plain and simple, weddings are not about the bridal couples to the exclusion of the feelings of others. As proud as you may be of not being able to tell your fiance's stepsisters apart, they are in his mother's family. And she is in his, and about to be in yours.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have always been taught that when attending a shower, if you win a prize playing a game, this prize is to be given to the person for whom the shower is given. Yes or no?

GENTLE READER: No. You do such a person dishonor by assuming that she would want to have the rules of consideration toward guests and of fair play suspended on her behalf.

Miss Manners considers that the best way to handle this peculiar notion is for anyone who might countenance it to postpone those shower-prompting events, marriage and childbirth, until she has outgrown petty selfishness.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Someone at work drew me into a line of questioning about my future career plans. I actually have a very good idea of what I want to do over the next five years, but I didn't want it to become widely known yet.

I am frustrated because every vague and evasive answer I gave only resulted in a direct and specific follow-up. I ended up revealing more than I would have liked, and finally had to feign a trip to another office to end the conversation.

How does one deal with people who simply won't accept general answers? I feel as though the questioning for specific information presupposes a level of intimacy which simply does not exist, and makes me very uncomfortable.

GENTLE READER: There is something to be learned from nosy people, in addition to the wisdom of running when you see them coming. It is the technique they use. As you can attest, it is an effective one.

They keep right on pursuing the same line of questioning, undeterred by evasive answers. You were uncomfortable because the idea is to make the target uncomfortable to the point of being worn down enough to yield the information.

Miss Manners recommends wearing them down instead by cheerfully repeating the same evasive answers: "Oh there are a lot of possibilities," followed by, "Well, as I said, there are a lot of possibilities," followed by, "I told you that there are a lot of possibilities."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I threw a party for about 30 of our friends, beginning in the late afternoon, with a table full of hors d'oeuvres. Later we served dinner.

While dinner was being heated in the kitchen, one guest came to say she was very hungry and would like to eat immediately, since she had to leave early. I said this would be fine if she ate in the kitchen, but I thought it rude for her to have dinner among the other guests before they could be served. She did in fact eat in the kitchen.

Two friends were helping me when this occurred, and I asked for their opinions on how I should have handled the situation. Both thought I should have given her the food as requested, because the other guests would not notice, or if they did notice, they would not care.

Who is correct? And how should I have responded to the request? In all honesty, I was quite taken aback.

GENTLE READER: You were incorrect only about the target of the rudeness. It is not that the other guests would have felt slighted. They would have crowded around with the reasonable assumption that dinner was being served.

The target was you. Leaving before dinner was insulting enough without adding the demand to be fed on her schedule, not yours.

You handled this rudeness more generously than Miss Manners would have done. She would have said sweetly, "I'm so sorry, but I'm not ready to serve dinner yet. I'm sure you'll get something at your next stop."

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