DEAR MISS MANNERS: Someone at work drew me into a line of questioning about my future career plans. I actually have a very good idea of what I want to do over the next five years, but I didn't want it to become widely known yet.

I am frustrated because every vague and evasive answer I gave only resulted in a direct and specific follow-up. I ended up revealing more than I would have liked, and finally had to feign a trip to another office to end the conversation.

How does one deal with people who simply won't accept general answers? I feel as though the questioning for specific information presupposes a level of intimacy which simply does not exist, and makes me very uncomfortable.

GENTLE READER: There is something to be learned from nosy people, in addition to the wisdom of running when you see them coming. It is the technique they use. As you can attest, it is an effective one.

They keep right on pursuing the same line of questioning, undeterred by evasive answers. You were uncomfortable because the idea is to make the target uncomfortable to the point of being worn down enough to yield the information.

Miss Manners recommends wearing them down instead by cheerfully repeating the same evasive answers: "Oh there are a lot of possibilities," followed by, "Well, as I said, there are a lot of possibilities," followed by, "I told you that there are a lot of possibilities."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I threw a party for about 30 of our friends, beginning in the late afternoon, with a table full of hors d'oeuvres. Later we served dinner.

While dinner was being heated in the kitchen, one guest came to say she was very hungry and would like to eat immediately, since she had to leave early. I said this would be fine if she ate in the kitchen, but I thought it rude for her to have dinner among the other guests before they could be served. She did in fact eat in the kitchen.

Two friends were helping me when this occurred, and I asked for their opinions on how I should have handled the situation. Both thought I should have given her the food as requested, because the other guests would not notice, or if they did notice, they would not care.

Who is correct? And how should I have responded to the request? In all honesty, I was quite taken aback.

GENTLE READER: You were incorrect only about the target of the rudeness. It is not that the other guests would have felt slighted. They would have crowded around with the reasonable assumption that dinner was being served.

The target was you. Leaving before dinner was insulting enough without adding the demand to be fed on her schedule, not yours.

You handled this rudeness more generously than Miss Manners would have done. She would have said sweetly, "I'm so sorry, but I'm not ready to serve dinner yet. I'm sure you'll get something at your next stop."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my mother passed away, I inherited her lovely diamond engagement ring. As I already have a beautiful diamond ring, the only value to me is sentimental. I would like it to remain in the family; but, if possible, I would like to see the ring worn, as opposed to simply locked up in a safe deposit box.

Since my daughter is already married and also possesses a lovely diamond ring, I have informed my son that I would like to give my mother's ring to him to give to the woman he might decide to marry one day.

As far as I know, my son is not dating anyone seriously at this time but, if the time should come when he would like to propose, is there a proper manner in which he could give a family ring with the explicit understanding that if the engagement did not result in marriage, the ring would be returned to my son?

Further, if there were to be a later divorce, would the ring then belong to my son's ex-wife or be returned to him? Even if there were a divorce, if there were children from the marriage, I would have no problem with her keeping the ring to pass on to my grandchildren one day.

GENTLE READER: One way to ensure that this theoretical marriage does not take place is to persuade your son to offer a lady a ring with visible strings attached. Neither "My mother wants this back if things don't work out" nor "This ring stays in the family even if you don't" is likely to sweep her off her feet.

Anyway, there is an invisible string attached to any engagement ring. If a marriage does not take place, for whatever reason, the lady is supposed to return it. Miss Manners does not promise this might not be a struggle. She has heard of those from whose hands it had to be legally pried. And even that doesn't help after the marriage takes place, when it becomes hers.

Let this not discourage you from your plan. It is just that you, like your son should he marry, will have to take your chances.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My pregnant wife of two and a half months just had a miscarriage. Most friends and family members knew of the pregnancy.

When we announced the miscarriage, most expressed their sorrow through religious overtones. Though my wife is religious, I am not. I found it offensive that the loss of our baby gave way to people's own religious opinions on why we lost the baby. I even had one relative tell me it was because I didn't believe enough that this happened.

Outside a church, what should be the proper way to express one's sorrow without getting on one's own religious soapbox and assuming everybody has your same beliefs?

GENTLE READER: Was this person aware that religion has something to say about compassion, kindness and humility?

Not that Miss Manners recommends telling him. Surely the less conversation you have with such people the better. All it was necessary to say to you was "I'm so sorry."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: If you know someone is home and have an appointment with them, but they don't answer after the first knock or doorbell ring, do you knock again? How long do you wait before you knock or ring the doorbell again?

GENTLE READER: You are allowed three rings separated by two knocks, all far enough apart to allow someone to -- well, to wash up, not to put too fine a point on it. No throwing pebbles at the windows. Miss Manners suggests using the waiting time to get out your organizer to check the date and find a telephone number with which to rouse your host.

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