DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the most appropriate way to tell a female colleague that her thong is showing above the waistline of her pants when she is seated? I wouldn't hesitate to politely (and discreetly) tell a co-worker if her slip were showing, but this just seems different.

GENTLE READER: That is not the only thing that is different now. You can no longer count on ladies being upset when they find out that their underwear is showing. Miss Manners suggests saying quietly and neutrally, "You seem to have some elastic or something showing," so as to warn those who may care and not appear to be chastising those who do not.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it inappropriate to expect friends who constantly hang out at my apartment weekend after weekend to clean up after themselves?

I have a roommate, who is my best friend, and often two friends of ours hang out with us on Saturdays. My best friend and I are the only ones with an apartment, so we don't mind them being at our place every weekend.

However, I've noticed lately that my friends (roommate excluded) will tend to leave their cups on our coffee or end tables and don't put them in the sink. (We have a dishwasher but I don't expect them to put them in there.) They do pick up dishes or bowls and put them in the sink or dishwasher.

Also, a lot of times, we will eat dinner in the living room using tray tables because we are watching a movie. Constantly, my friends do not put the tray tables away, and this is annoying. This past weekend, I said something to my roommate about our friends not cleaning up after themselves, and she was a little surprised that I'd expect them to clean up. I was a little surprised that she didn't expect them to clean up after themselves.

What is your take on this situation? Am I expecting too much for our friends to put their cups in the sink and put away the tray tables if they use them? I have previously said something (in a joking, nonconfrontational way) to my friends about cleaning up after themselves, but they seem to have forgotten what I said.

GENTLE READER --Your friends are not necessarily louts, you may be relieved to hear. Or not, if you are secretly sick of the sight of them and wish they'd go away.

They have only failed to realize that they moved from being guests to being habitues. And the nice thing about having friends who constantly hang out at your house is that you know them well enough to tell them.

Guests do not automatically bus their dishes, nor should they be assigned tasks. They may offer to help, but cannot proceed without permission. Habitues, in contrast, are supposed to pitch in, not only cleaning up after themselves, but -- already knowing the hosts' habits and preferences -- volunteering for other housekeeping tasks as a form of reciprocation.

Yours need to be told that you love having them, but it would help if they would kindly stick around to help clean up.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My niece gave birth, making my parents great-grandparents, the news of which they are naturally eager to spread.

My mother bought my niece cards and matching envelopes, and gave her a list of people to whom she wants announcements sent. My niece (who was not planning to send out any announcements in the first place) told my mother that she doesn't feel comfortable sending announcements to people she doesn't know; my mother continues to press her to do it.

What are the rules for sending birth announcements? Is it obligatory? Is it acceptable for grandparents and great-grandparents to submit recipient lists a la wedding invitations?

GENTLE READER: No, it's not like wedding invitations, because those are invitations, which means they must be issued by the hosts. Births are announced informally to one's friends who hadn't heard otherwise. Miss Manners assures you that there is nothing to prevent your parents from telling all their own friends about the birth of their great-grandchild, rather than hounding the new mother to write to strangers.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Am I wrong for being irritated with the people who have a full cart of groceries in the "10 items or less" aisle when I am behind them with cheese and eggs?

I find it interesting how some people really do think that certain rules or setups do not apply to them! The same type of people that deem it OK to take up so much time in the "express" lane would be extremely irritated in my shoes as well.

I just do not understand how people do not take some rules seriously. I will admit, I have brought 11 things to the express lane, but I have never gotten in line with more than 10 while people with less were behind me. I just think that small instances like that, where people are being inconsiderate of those around them, make this world a little bit more frustrating for those who abide by such rules.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners had a lot more sympathy for you before you ran up to the express lane with your 11 items, deciding it would be all right because you failed to notice the three people headed for that register with the proper number of purchases.

That's the tricky thing about rules. While we can all think of emergency situations in which they should be broken, it is quite another thing to ignore them on the assumption that the rationale for them no longer applies. It is the difference between running into the street during a red light to save a fallen child from being run over and driving through a red light because you don't see cars coming from the other direction.

The shoppers to whom you object will probably argue that they were in a particular hurry, that they weren't much over the limit, and so on. But these cases -- and yours -- are not ones in which you are expected to exercise your own judgment in, as it always turns out, your own interest. That is what is meant by taking rules seriously.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Recently reading of events and customs common during the 1920s and '30s, I came across a couple of terms that puzzled me.

The first mentions dinner clothes and evening clothes in the same sentence. I thought all attire worn after 6 p.m. was considered evening clothes. What, if any, is the difference?

Second, I read about a piece of ladies' jewelry called a love altar. I assume this is some sort of necklace, but I would like to know more about its probable design, look, etc. As the name would suggest, this was a gift from a gentleman admirer.

GENTLE READER: Indeed, there is a difference between dinner clothes and evening clothes. Among those who "dressed," as we used to say, evening dress meant white tie and tails for the gentlemen and revealing dresses for the ladies, while dinner clothes were black tie (still referred to as the dinner jacket) for gentlemen and long, narrow dresses with sleeves (still referred to as dinner dresses) for the ladies.

As respectable ladies did not accept jewelry from their gentlemen admirers, Miss Manners knows nothing of what you call a love altar. She would be grateful if no one would explain to her what that is.

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