DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper way to request cash in lieu of gifts via a bridal registry?

GENTLE READER: Sit on the floor with a hat turned upside down on the floor beside you.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Not long ago, I put my home up for sale, and my real estate agent scheduled an open house. It took place on a Sunday afternoon. A number of people came, and I noticed that many of them were neighbors.

I was on good terms with these people, but not by any means close friends with them. When I asked them -- politely -- "What brings you here today?" many said that they were "just kicking the tires;" they had no intention of buying a new home and they weren't looking on behalf of a friend or relative, either.

I found it appalling that these people could be so openly nosy and intrusive about my property and belongings (and, by extension, my financial situation). It's not that I had anything to be ashamed about, but their interest seemed to boil down to two very base, vulgar questions: "What does she have that I don't have? And what do I have that she doesn't have?"

I felt really uncomfortable in this situation. If their concerns had only to do with how my property value was affecting theirs, surely there were more discreet ways to obtain that data. I was raised to believe it's rude to make financial or material comparisons with your neighbor, or even with relatives, for that matter.

But my real estate agent says it's common for "nosy neighbors" to show up at open houses. They cheerfully greet the seller, with no shame whatsoever. If this happens at my next home sale, is there a polite way I can show these busybodies to the door?

GENTLE READER: Why would you want to start feuding with your neighbors when you are about to be rid of them by moving away?

Miss Manners is not a defender of nosiness, but she can think of more benign reasons for your neighbors' curiosity than the competitive one you assume. They might have been looking for decorating ideas in their similar houses, or they might have been interested in the presentation of your house for sale because they are considering selling their own.

Even potential buyers are irritating to those selling their houses, because they get to observe the personal effects of those with whom they are not on social terms. Miss Manners advises leaving the matter in the hands of a capable real estate operator and going to the movies.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am getting ready to attend a memorial service for a co-worker and have a question. This is an individual who worked for this organization for 18 years, and she has many friends and close co-workers who still work here.

In preparation for the memorial service, a request was made by the Board of Directors to have special seating at the memorial service. None of them had a close relationship with the deceased.

This seems rather insensitive to me or at least tacky. Why should attention be drawn to those who had no personal connection to the deceased? Their position within the organization would seem to have nothing to do with the purpose of the memorial service. What do you think?

GENTLE READER: That you are missing the symbolism here -- and the purpose of a memorial service is expressed through symbolism.

Indeed, the board of directors does have an important connection to the deceased. They represent the organization for which she worked for 18 years. Miss Manners understands that you and the lady's friends are there to show your personal respect, but they are there to show the company's respect.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there a polite way for a single, middle-aged lady to let a single, middle-aged gentleman know that she would like to be more than a dear family friend? (There are no impediments save some geographic distance.)

How can she let this be known without putting the gentleman into a potentially embarrassing position, and possibly ruining a close and wonderful friendship should he not harbor like feelings?

The lady occasionally has to travel on business to the gentleman's home city, where she has no other acquaintance. Should she continue to suggest getting together on those occasions? And how may she properly invite him for a visit to her hometown? What cues or clues should she be alert for either that he is or is not interested?

GENTLE READER: Is Miss Manners safe in assuming that you are not of the generation that demands outright, "I don't want to waste my time, so are you interested or not?"

Besides being romantically chilling, this horrid technique precludes the deniability you need to keep from forfeiting the friendship (or your dignity). More subtle means are required. Besides, those are more exciting.

You can certainly visit and invite the gentleman at a friendly pace, but his availability will only tell you whether he wishes to continue that friendship. To progress, you need to send a few ambiguous signals. Whether he responds in kind will give you your answer, while still allowing you deniability should he not do so.

For example, you stare at him too long and soulfully, and then look away as if you had hardly known what you were doing. You sit too close to him, and then idly get up and sit somewhere else. You brush up against him as if you had not noticed that you did.

Oh, stop pretending to be shocked at Miss Manners' knowing such things. Before the world turned as crude as it is now, flirting was a common and innocent practice.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been dating my boyfriend for four months and it came up this week that he still does not know my name. I do not know what to do about this because he has heard my name so many times, both my English name and my Italian name. I also write it on everything I have given to him, yet he still calls me by the wrong name.

He will blame it on his disabilities, yet he knows all of his co-workers first and last names, even the most recent workers. He tells me he has all of these feelings for me and really cares about me but I feel, "You can give the world to someone, but if you don't know who you are giving it to, it's just not worth it."

GENTLE READER: As much sympathy as Miss Manners has for bad memories and disabilities, she has to break it to you that a gentleman's inability to learn the name of a lady he has been courting for four months is not a good sign. You might consider impressing it upon him with a letter of farewell.

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