DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been recently meeting a number of ladies through an Internet dating service. After a few e-mails back and forth it is usually suggested that we meet personally for a coffee, quick lunch, or bite to eat.

I have noticed that these ladies seem to be, how shall I say it, extremely slow in the race for the pocketbook when the check arrives.

Although these bites aren't going to send me to the poor house, is there a polite way of saying something on the order of, "It has been a pleasure to finally meet you in person but, since I barely know you, really, it sure would be nice if, instead of sitting there like a deer caught in the headlights, you would at least attempt to pay for your double half caf, quarter pounder with cheese, fettuccine alfredo, or whatever it was you've been wolfing down like a Dickensonian orphan for the past 45 minutes."

Or does one simply carry on in the hope that one day, in reaching for the bill fingertips will touch, gazes will lock, and the race will be over?

GENTLE READER: Over, in that you believe that a gentleman pays all the expenses for someone he has invited for a date? Or over, in that if true love leads to marriage, it won't make any difference who pays?

No longer is either a given. No matter how often Miss Manners points out that the decorous method is to take turns being the host (this had to be done coyly under the old system -- the lady offered a home-cooked meal or claimed to have been given theater tickets -- but it was done), some ladies insist on splitting every cost, while others never reciprocate. And some married couples never merge financially.

As if that weren't complicated enough, the event you describe, a meeting between strangers with the hope of romance, has no tradition. You regard it as a pre-courtship interview, whereas you attract ladies who regard it as a first date.

You can hardly demand payment, even if the interview is a failure. So Miss Manners advises you to cut your losses by offering only coffee. If the interview is a success, you will have opportunities to discover whether a lady has any hospitable impulses.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My 18-year-old college student is pregnant. She is no longer dating the father and they have no plans to get married. She is due in March and a few people have asked me when the baby shower is.

I guess I didn't anticipate there being one. I have considered baby showers to be for married woman who are celebrating the birth of their first child. We are certainly celebrating this baby since he is coming, but we are not celebrating the circumstances of his birth. What do you think?

GENTLE READER: That baby showers are intended to focus on the baby, not on the circumstances of the conception. But since showers should never be given by relatives of the honoree, Miss Manners assures you that you need not trouble yourself about the matter.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a friend who will use the words "no offense," and then say something very offending. Something like, "No offense, I just don't like your cooking, I guess I'm just used to my own."

I thought that you were trying not to offend someone when you used those words.

She does this all the time, and I would like to know how I should handle it because now she's starting to offend my other friends.

GENTLE READER: Of course. That's what she has obtained your tacit permission to do. As the request comes in the same statement as the insult, you have to move in quickly to refuse.

Breaking in immediately to say, "I'm afraid I'm easily offended," may head off this unpleasant practice. If not, Miss Manners advises responding to the insult by saying sadly, "Indeed, I am offended."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have had the fantastic luck to have inherited not one but two delicately beautiful china services and lovely sterling service from various relatives. I love to take these items out and share them with my friends and family when entertaining; I enjoy nothing more than to know that the beautiful things I have had the good fortune to come by are contributing to the pleasure of others in my home, and I like to think the continuing use of these heirlooms is a connection back to my family's history.

What would you recommend that I say when my guests protest? I'm always saddened but no longer surprised when someone looks at the table and says I shouldn't have used such fine place settings, that they're afraid they'll break something, or come up with a quip that sounds as though I should feel bad for forcing others to use fragile antiques.

Generally I try to deflect such conversations with something along the lines of my feeling that I value guests enough to put out my best (which, unfortunately, often makes them even more concerned about breakage), or wanting to get use of these nice things. In the event of breakage, my response has been that people are far more important than things, that I can always get another bowl or plate or whatever, and that this is not the first time nor will it be the last. I even point to the chips on several pieces as evidence of years of use.

Nevertheless, I feel very awkward when my guests suggest that I should not be using "the good stuff" for them. Surely it's my choice. How on earth do I convey tactfully that I truly want to get use of these fine things and that I like nothing better than to share them with my friends? I think they're worth it, even if they don't.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners is not so sure about that. Criticizing the host's style of entertaining, even in this supposedly self-deprecating way, is rude. There is a whiff of a suggestion there that you are being pretentious.

The responses you are giving are both polite and charming. If these do not discourage that line of conversation, you might take to saying in a slightly hurt tone, "But I think of you as my good friends!"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I recently lost my paternal grandfather, after a lengthy illness. After the wake, I received a letter of condolence from my mother's mother that was rather touching. Is it correct to send a letter of thanks for the condolences or would it be more appropriate to mention it when I see her in person in a few weeks?

GENTLE READER: Couldn't you manage both?

Miss Manners notices that your grandmother did not offer minimal condolences by waiting until she saw you. She took the trouble to write a letter, and you should let her know, in the same way, that you appreciated this. This should not prevent you from also telling her how touched you were.

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