DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it appropriate for the first wife to take back the name of a former spouse?

My husband's ex-wife is now going through her second divorce, and is planning on dropping his last name and taking back my husband's. My husband and his ex had two children from their marriage, and she claims she wants to have the same last name as her children. He and I are very uncomfortable with this.

He and I have a child together and all the children attend the same small school. I think it will be confusing at school and I am wondering if people will assume my husband and his ex are now back together.

I realize she can legally change her name to anything she wants but out of courtesy, should she consider our feelings? She says it is common for women who are divorced twice to go back to a former last name of an ex if they share children. What are your views on this topic?

GENTLE READER: Before we get to Miss Manners' view, let us have another look at the ex-wife's view.

Yes, it is common for divorced mothers to want to share their children's surnames, regardless of whom they married or divorced subsequently. Ah, but in this case, you say, confusion will arise from your and her children all being in the same school.

Don't you think that confusion has already arisen? Don't you think that you should consider what the assumption that you, who share a surname with her children, are their mother, has been doing to her feelings?

Miss Manners' view is that this is more important than your discomfort. As for the gossipmongers you fear, they would only be risking their own reputations for reliability. A rumor that a husband has left his second wife for his first wife is far too interesting to go unchecked.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have a wonderful single pastor who comes to our house when we have other pastors over for dinner. I am planning another dinner party in the near future but want to invite a single lady as well as the single pastor. How can I invite the single pastor without him feeling I am trying to fix him up? How can I word the invitation?

We have a lot of single friends and love their company. I would like him to meet this lady but really would like them to come and enjoy the company of our other guests.

GENTLE READER: So you are fixing him up?

Never mind answering that. It is society's business to throw eligible people together without being responsible for the results. And the way to do this is identical to the way you invite people whom you have no intention of fixing up -- with merely an invitation to come to dinner and an air of innocence about any friendships you expect to come of it.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: At a formal dinner party, we were served cream soup in double handled cream soup bowls, complete with liner plate. With no apparent soup spoon on the table, I lifted the bowl by both handles and quietly sipped my soup.

My wife was shocked but made no comment until we returned home. My cousin, another guest at the party, did the same. We remember being taught by our grandmother that this was proper etiquette. Was she wrong?

Other guests used their dessert spoons. Our hostess, another cousin, looked shocked. Can you advise us please?

GENTLE READER: It sounds to Miss Manners like a successful dinner party. It is so hard to shock people nowadays.

Your grandmother was quite right: a two-handled cup may be taken up with two hands. It is customary to provide a soup spoon for those who do not care to do so. Miss Manners can only conclude that the hostess's shock was at herself from having omitted doing so.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have two in-law relations who don't think twice about asking you to return a gift. They have done it on several occasions. Whether it be the wrong size, style, fragrance or they just want the cash. Isn't it rude to do so? I don't mind returning it once but not every time. Shouldn't they return it themselves? (Or just shut up?!)

GENTLE READER: Rather than announcing that you have failed to please, and are going to have to keep at this until you get it right if it takes until the Fourth of July?

Well, yes. Miss Manners agrees that this is not a gracious reaction to someone's going to the trouble to select and find presents with the intention of pleasing. They are, after all, free to exchange, sell or give away your offerings, as long as they protect you from knowing about their dissatisfaction. Cynics who make it blatantly clear that it is the stuff that counts, not the thought, sabotage the point of present-exchanges when they treat you as their personal shoppers.

Miss Manners does not believe in paying off such people, however tempting it is to encourage them to shut up. Rather, she assumes that they find presents a burden and recommends the mercy of ceasing to plague them. The first time they complain, she suggests saying, "I'm so sorry; I had hoped to please you," and making an end of it. You are not obliged to try again by making exchanges, issuing refunds or forcing your choices on them in the future.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was recently separated, by mutual and amicable agreement, from my husband. We have a 2-year old together and, therefore, there is still contact between us and between myself and his family, albeit long-distance, as we are in different states.

I have received a check in the mail from one of his aunts. It was made out to me (of course, as my son is only 2), but the note in the Christmas card that accompanied it advised that this was a "little gift for (my son) and (me)". It really wasn't a little gift and I wasn't sure how to handle it.

My mother was horrified that I might even consider keeping my "ex-in-laws" gift, for fear that I might "owe" them something. She feels that I should return the check with a note saying, please send back what you want (my son) to have.

I feel that is an incredibly rude approach and do not want to offend these very sweet people. I also do not feel, however, that it is appropriate that my "ex"-family feel that they should have to continue to send me holiday gifts.

GENTLE READER: These are your son's relatives, not his ex-relatives. Miss Manners is not fond of money as presents, either, but criticizing or returning what was given is rude and cruel.

She assures you that the aunt is well aware that she could have nothing further to do with you, but she chose to extend her bond to her nephew to include his mother. You handle this by thanking her and by sending her a bit of news about your son and perhaps a picture.

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