DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have two in-law relations who don't think twice about asking you to return a gift. They have done it on several occasions. Whether it be the wrong size, style, fragrance or they just want the cash. Isn't it rude to do so? I don't mind returning it once but not every time. Shouldn't they return it themselves? (Or just shut up?!)

GENTLE READER: Rather than announcing that you have failed to please, and are going to have to keep at this until you get it right if it takes until the Fourth of July?

Well, yes. Miss Manners agrees that this is not a gracious reaction to someone's going to the trouble to select and find presents with the intention of pleasing. They are, after all, free to exchange, sell or give away your offerings, as long as they protect you from knowing about their dissatisfaction. Cynics who make it blatantly clear that it is the stuff that counts, not the thought, sabotage the point of present-exchanges when they treat you as their personal shoppers.

Miss Manners does not believe in paying off such people, however tempting it is to encourage them to shut up. Rather, she assumes that they find presents a burden and recommends the mercy of ceasing to plague them. The first time they complain, she suggests saying, "I'm so sorry; I had hoped to please you," and making an end of it. You are not obliged to try again by making exchanges, issuing refunds or forcing your choices on them in the future.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was recently separated, by mutual and amicable agreement, from my husband. We have a 2-year old together and, therefore, there is still contact between us and between myself and his family, albeit long-distance, as we are in different states.

I have received a check in the mail from one of his aunts. It was made out to me (of course, as my son is only 2), but the note in the Christmas card that accompanied it advised that this was a "little gift for (my son) and (me)". It really wasn't a little gift and I wasn't sure how to handle it.

My mother was horrified that I might even consider keeping my "ex-in-laws" gift, for fear that I might "owe" them something. She feels that I should return the check with a note saying, please send back what you want (my son) to have.

I feel that is an incredibly rude approach and do not want to offend these very sweet people. I also do not feel, however, that it is appropriate that my "ex"-family feel that they should have to continue to send me holiday gifts.

GENTLE READER: These are your son's relatives, not his ex-relatives. Miss Manners is not fond of money as presents, either, but criticizing or returning what was given is rude and cruel.

She assures you that the aunt is well aware that she could have nothing further to do with you, but she chose to extend her bond to her nephew to include his mother. You handle this by thanking her and by sending her a bit of news about your son and perhaps a picture.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Every year my mother-in-law buys us bags of Christmas decorations and candies. Last year she gave me 12 boxes of red balls for the tree, which I gave to Good Will, and enough candy canes that the people in my office were still working on them at Easter.

Every year she gives us each a new stocking, and most years we put up the stocking my son and I made the year he was 5 and his sister was just born. This year she even pre-stuffed them. I always pick out a few items to keep and give the rest to charity.

The problem? I am starting to feel guilty, and my son says I am being rude not to put the huge pea-green balls on my tree with my cherished ornaments. Sometimes she gives us beautiful things, which I add to my cherished collection.

But to me, Christmas is about tradition. New ornaments every year leans towards being a tribute to consumerism.

Please just re-affirm for me it is OK to keep accepting her gifts and giving them away as soon as she heads home (which is 1,000 miles away).

GENTLE READER: You've got Miss Manners on the question of whether presents may be given away if the donor doesn't find out. Yes -- yours. You can give away your stocking.

Others get to decide what they want to do with theirs, and everyone gets a say in what to do with things given to the whole family.

If Christmas is about tradition, perhaps you had better explain to Miss Manners how you define tradition. It is not only your mother-in-law whom you want to exclude from contributing. You over-rode your son's feelings about how the family tree should be decorated. Surely Christmas is about many things, tradition and family among them. But you have given the impression that it is about your cherished collection.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Please help me understand why it bothers me so much when people give me unsolicited advice.

The people I'm talking about are not people who have an obligation to do so, such as my doctor, my boss, or a police officer. These are simply people I interact with on a regular basis, such as my relatives, my neighbors and coworkers.

"You should sweep your front porch more often, your carpets will stay cleaner." "You should dress up more for work. A smart-looking blazer would be great." "Why let your husband have all the glory? You should run for city council yourself."

I am a conscientious person who is generally respected for keeping my life in good order, so I am surprised when people seem to think I need their advice. I usually just nod politely in a noncommittal way, but inside I'm annoyed. Am I just being terribly oversensitive? Or do I have a valid reason for being bothered?

GENTLE READER: You don't need a psychological reason to dislike busybodies. You are bothered by them because they presume that they know better than you how to run your life -- because, in short, they are bothersome.

Miss Manners suspects you may also be bothered by the fact that your good manners prevent you from telling them to mind their own business. She cannot release you from that, but she can assure you that it should be a point of pride.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it appropriate to request "Black Tie or Holiday Festive" dress on Christmas party invitations? It seems to me that either Black Tie OR Holiday Festive Attire would be better received. I feel like I am being told what to wear!

GENTLE READER: Be grateful when you are told what to wear. When hosts shirk this duty, they end up with an odd-looking assortment of guests, most of whom feel out of place.

The problem is that you are not being told precisely.

Miss Manners supposes that these instructions are a shillyshallying way of saying, "We'd really like you to be in evening clothes, but if you're going to make a fuss about black tie, at least try to dress up." However, for all she knows, "holiday festive attire" might mean draping mistletoe over your nose.

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