DEAR MISS MANNERS: Every year my mother-in-law buys us bags of Christmas decorations and candies. Last year she gave me 12 boxes of red balls for the tree, which I gave to Good Will, and enough candy canes that the people in my office were still working on them at Easter.

Every year she gives us each a new stocking, and most years we put up the stocking my son and I made the year he was 5 and his sister was just born. This year she even pre-stuffed them. I always pick out a few items to keep and give the rest to charity.

The problem? I am starting to feel guilty, and my son says I am being rude not to put the huge pea-green balls on my tree with my cherished ornaments. Sometimes she gives us beautiful things, which I add to my cherished collection.

But to me, Christmas is about tradition. New ornaments every year leans towards being a tribute to consumerism.

Please just re-affirm for me it is OK to keep accepting her gifts and giving them away as soon as she heads home (which is 1,000 miles away).

GENTLE READER: You've got Miss Manners on the question of whether presents may be given away if the donor doesn't find out. Yes -- yours. You can give away your stocking.

Others get to decide what they want to do with theirs, and everyone gets a say in what to do with things given to the whole family.

If Christmas is about tradition, perhaps you had better explain to Miss Manners how you define tradition. It is not only your mother-in-law whom you want to exclude from contributing. You over-rode your son's feelings about how the family tree should be decorated. Surely Christmas is about many things, tradition and family among them. But you have given the impression that it is about your cherished collection.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Please help me understand why it bothers me so much when people give me unsolicited advice.

The people I'm talking about are not people who have an obligation to do so, such as my doctor, my boss, or a police officer. These are simply people I interact with on a regular basis, such as my relatives, my neighbors and coworkers.

"You should sweep your front porch more often, your carpets will stay cleaner." "You should dress up more for work. A smart-looking blazer would be great." "Why let your husband have all the glory? You should run for city council yourself."

I am a conscientious person who is generally respected for keeping my life in good order, so I am surprised when people seem to think I need their advice. I usually just nod politely in a noncommittal way, but inside I'm annoyed. Am I just being terribly oversensitive? Or do I have a valid reason for being bothered?

GENTLE READER: You don't need a psychological reason to dislike busybodies. You are bothered by them because they presume that they know better than you how to run your life -- because, in short, they are bothersome.

Miss Manners suspects you may also be bothered by the fact that your good manners prevent you from telling them to mind their own business. She cannot release you from that, but she can assure you that it should be a point of pride.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it appropriate to request "Black Tie or Holiday Festive" dress on Christmas party invitations? It seems to me that either Black Tie OR Holiday Festive Attire would be better received. I feel like I am being told what to wear!

GENTLE READER: Be grateful when you are told what to wear. When hosts shirk this duty, they end up with an odd-looking assortment of guests, most of whom feel out of place.

The problem is that you are not being told precisely.

Miss Manners supposes that these instructions are a shillyshallying way of saying, "We'd really like you to be in evening clothes, but if you're going to make a fuss about black tie, at least try to dress up." However, for all she knows, "holiday festive attire" might mean draping mistletoe over your nose.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: OK, what is really wrong with Christmas letters? I know a lot of people make disparaging remarks about them, but suppose you have a lot of friends and can't possibly sit down and write each one a separate letter? Isn't the newsletter once a year actually a good way of informing people about your activities? I would find it helpful if, instead of looking down on this, you set some rules about how to write them. Our Christmas list has more than 100 names on it, and I don't know any other practical way of letting our friends know what has happened to us -- about our month at the beach house, Junior's new braces, my husband's promotion, and so on.

GENTLE READER: Far be it from Miss Manners to look down on anyone so fortunate as to have more than a hundred friends so close as to be awaiting the news about your son's teeth. You will forgive her if she suggests that so high a degree of intimacy is not often maintained on the basis of a mass mailing once a year.

In other words, the trouble with form letters is that they are almost inevitably inconsistent with the relationship between writer and recipient. Friends and relatives who have a genuine interest in the details of your family life deserve some personal attention. If they can get through the year without wondering where you spent the summer, the chances are they are not burning to know now. And to bombard casual acquaintances with full accounts of your lives is to satisfy curiosity they may not feel.

So much for why Miss Manners dislikes the idea. Now to answer your question about how to do it.

First, keep it a reasonable length, and if you are e-mailing it, refrain from including items that take time to be downloaded.

Next, refrain from bragging. You wouldn't stand up at a party and shout "Lauren was made cheerleading captain!" or "We bought a boat!" or "We went to Maine last summer!" or "I got a raise!" Confine your "news" to more or less public matters -- "We've moved to Colorado," "I've finally finished law school," "Annabelle has joined the Army" -- and state them neutrally. The exception is that births, engagements and marriages include mention of the family's pleasure in them -- although, come to think of it, why weren't these close friends of yours notified of such important events at the time that they occurred?

Finally, refrain from offering your philosophy, politics or general wisdom gleaned from life: If the urge overwhelms you, it is better to write leaflets and hand them out to strangers on the street than to offend your friends by giving them unsolicited advice.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Please help my husband and me settle an etiquette dilemma. During the holiday season, we send Christmas cards to our friends and relatives. I also like to send Chanukah cards to our Jewish friends. My husband feels this is inappropriate because it seems to imply that Chanukah is a Jewish version of Christmas and in some way signals a separate category for our Jewish friends. He would prefer a happy holiday card or no card at all.

I think he's quite silly, that thinking of someone and remembering one's special holiday is always correct. Naturally, convinced as we both are that your opinion will mirror each of ours, we have agreed to let Miss Manners be the final arbiter on this matter.

GENTLE READER: Whether or not your husband is quite silly, Miss Manners cannot say, and if so, she hopes you have a weakness for silly gentlemen. But he is right in this instance. It is always nice to remember your friends, but do you also remember each of your Jewish friend's attitudes toward Chanukah and toward Christmas? They could celebrate a secular Christmas or a Christmas-like Chanukah or neither or both.

If you don't know, you are risking causing great offense by making presumptions about their religious practices. Of course, inquiring closely into other people's religious practices is also offensive. Why can't you sidestep the issue by sending secular cards?

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