DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our father just passed away a couple of months ago. Now that Christmas is coming, we'll be sending our mother cards. One sister wants to address the card to both our parents, but I don't think that's right. What is the correct way without hurting our mother's feelings and not forgetting our father?

GENTLE READER: Your sister wants to spare your mother's feelings by allowing her to believe that you have all forgotten that your father can't receive mail because he is dead?

Miss Manners agrees that this is a really bad idea. But so is lobbing an ordinary Merry Christmas at a new widow. Surely you want to go beyond sparing your mother to comforting her. If you and your sisters cannot be with her at Christmas, you should each be writing her letters expressing how much you feel for her on this occasion and how much you miss your father.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have two large (40-50 guests) casual parties at the same time each year and have done so for over five years, so invitees know that these events are coming up and many plan around them. May I remove from the guest list those people who we have invited, but do not show up or are invited repeatedly but either do not respond or can never attend? Also, at one most recent party, one of the adult guests embarrassed another guest deliberately and repeatedly. Is there any reason that I should not also remove the offender from our guests list? Thank you for your insight into these situations!

GENTLE READER: If there is any reason that you should invite anyone to your parties who does not contribute to your and your other guests' enjoyment, Miss Manners cannot imagine what it could be. Apparently neither can the guests in question, as they either fail to show up or turn querulous.

The trouble with annual parties is that guests begin to think of them as some sort of free club to which they belong in perpetuity. But there is no reason for hosts to surrender to this notion. The guest list is yours to compose each time you give a party.

The uninvited have no right to complain, but we know that the rude ones -- the same people who ignore your invitations or behave badly to others -- will. The smoothest rejoinder is to undermine their belief that this is a regular event from which they were dropped.

"Oh, we gave a somewhat different party this year," you could say without further explanation. And indeed, it will be somewhat different if you eliminate the undesirables.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I may be longwinded when I talk, but under every circumstance -- family, at work, socially, or in business -- I get interrupted constantly! I rarely get to finish a sentence! I know we're all busy and want to get our two cents worth in. I myself try to catch myself doing it and stop myself. Why do we do this! It bothers me no end!

GENTLE READER: Why do we do this? Because we are so much more interesting than other people that we would rather listen to ourselves than to them.

But Miss Manners has never subscribed to the notion that identifying a psychological impulse excuses succumbing to it. You are right to catch yourself, and she hopes that you do so effectively enough that those who interrupt you are not acting out of desperation to get in any word at all.

The way to deal with interrupters is to let them interrupt. That is, you stop talking at all, not even putting in the little encouraging murmurings of polite listening, until they notice that there is no longer a conversation going on. Their dumbfounded look will be the signal for you to resume where you left off.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My two best friends are engaged to be married. Most of the group we hang out with all agree that these two should not be getting married.

I already agreed to be a bridesmaid, but now I am regretting the commitment. They fight every week and breakup, and then, three days later, they get back together. One time, I got a phone call because they were fighting over if there was a difference between fireworks and firecrackers. They almost broke up over this fight.

I do not want to support a marriage that I know will not go well. How do I tell my friends that I don't want to be part of the ceremonies, because I don't support their union? Should I just mind my own business and be there for my friends, or stand up for what's right and refuse to participate?

GENTLE READER: Do you and the group have a record for predicting the success of marriages? These two strike Miss Manners as made for each other. People who care that much about the precise meaning of words are not easily found.

In any case, bridesmaids do not have veto power over the choice of the bridegroom. Nor are they responsible for the success of the marriage. If you decide not to stand up for your friend, at least do not fool yourself that you are standing up for "what's right."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When visiting relatives stay at our home, if we eat out, are we supposed to pay for all their food while staying with us? We always will pay for the first dinner out, but how about all the others when we visit different places? Should we just get the check, and then hope they'll contribute their share? It is awkward. We can't afford to pay for all their meals out. Thank you for your help.

GENTLE READER: When you entertain houseguests, you are supposed to give them the hospitality of your house, not provide an expense account with which to enjoy the world beyond your doors. A restaurant meal taken together during such a visit does not customarily come at the invitation of hosts, but of the guests, as a way, among others, of reciprocating.

Miss Manners suspects that your habit of taking your guests out for that first meal creates the impression that you do so much of your entertaining outside the house -- as many people now do -- that you expect this to be treated as equivalent to home meals, for which you would bear the expense. It might dispel that impression if you were to feed your guests at home the first night and let them go out on their own, if they wish, after that.

If this is not practical -- if, for example, you are committed to taking them around and cannot get home to meals -- then you should treat the situation as you would any agreement to have dinner out with others. That is to say, you do not act as hosts, issuing invitations and setting everything up without their agreement, but merely make suggestions and allow them to choose where to go, which incidentally allows them to keep within their price range. The one instance in which you should take charge is when you say to the waiter, "These will be on separate checks, please."

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