DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife greets many male houseguests and friends with kisses on their lips, and I am uncomfortable with this. I don't greet our female guests and friends that way.

I have noticed that some of my friends' wives seem uncomfortable with her doing this. I have also noticed some of the males looking at me after this happens to see my reaction to her doing this. What type of greetings are acceptable, and how can I approach this with her without making a big issue of it?

GENTLE READER: The sure way to make this a big issue is to allow any question of jealousy -- yours or your friends' wives' -- to enter the discussion. Miss Manners assures you that you need a way to make this habit sound less exciting to your wife than she thinks, not more.

If you could say, "People are so germ-conscious today that it's ridiculous -- I see some of our friends pulling away from your mouth, and even quietly wiping it off afterwards," that would kill the glamour she probably confers on her behavior. For good measure, Miss Manners suggests adding, "Yet I know they're fond of you, and I'm sure they think you're attractive. I guess maybe they're just not happy being kissed like that."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do I politely decline invitations from neighbors and/or friends to have a holiday meal with them?

Although at work and with friends, I am outgoing and friendly, I relish my time at home alone. My family lives a great distance away, and there are many times that I spend holidays alone.

I cannot tell neighbors I have previous plans, as they will see that I am at home. I truly do not want to break into my alone time when I can catch up on my reading or nap, or just enjoy the fact that I don't have to be at work.

I realize that the invitations are well meant and the hosts are feeling sorry for me that I don't have family around. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but I don't want to give up my holiday. Please bear in mind that I am extremely southern. I live in the South and good manners are something that we take in with mother's milk. I've just never learned a polite way to say, "Please leave me alone and let me do what I want."

GENTLE READER: Sure you did. Every polite southerner knows how to say, "Oh, you're so kind to invite me, thank you so much, I just wish I could, you give the best dinners, I'm heart-broken I can't come, I just wish you the best possible Thanksgiving ever, I know yours will be lovely, I'll be thinking of you every minute, and I know that one thing I'll be saying thanks for is for having such wonderful friends..." and so on, without stopping for breath. Your would-be hosts will soon be exhausted, and the last thing they will want to do is to encourage you to continue by asking you what you are doing.

Besides, you do have plans. Plans needn't involve going out. If you really think that your neighbors might get up from their holiday table for a peek to see whether you are at home, Miss Manners suggests that your plans include drawing the curtains.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the earliest date one can send a Christmas card without "rushing the season?"

GENTLE READER: Can you hang on for another two weeks? Miss Manners admires your efficiency, but has to warn you that cards received earlier do not provoke the desired reaction. Instead of "Oh, here's a card from the Whipples -- how nice to hear from them," it will be "For goodness' sake -- don't they realize it's not even Thanksgiving yet?"

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: We are supposed to go to a relative's house for Thanksgiving, and I am tired of people making derogatory remarks to me about us vegetarians. Since when is it all right for someone to impose his/her views and lifestyle on others? Some of them even go so far as to dump meat on my plate in order to make me eat it. What should I do and say?

GENTLE READER: What you should say is "No, thank you," and what you should do is not eat it. And you should steadfastly continue doing both, until New Year's, if necessary.

Miss Manners realizes that she is serving you a bitter portion, and apologizes for it. It is extremely difficult, not to mention unfair, for the victim of blatant rudeness to have to be the one who calmly refuses to react. And it is rude, not hospitable or funny, to attempt to force people to eat or drink after they politely refuse. (Note to minors: This rule cannot be invoked when your parents tell you to eat your vegetables or drink your milk. Miss Manners is sorry about that, but don't even try.) Retaliatory rudeness will only get you into that debate that you politely and sensibly wish to avoid.

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