DEAR MISS MANNERS: Help. After bestowing much diamond jewelry on a woman for five years and being engaged for the last year of that five, she broke up with me.

I have money, so it's not about money. Philosophically and morally I am convinced that I should get the jewelry back. It does not seem right for a woman to break up with a man she claims she did not love but wants to keep jewelry that represents a promise of allegiance. It was given with the intent of a lifetime relationship culminating in marriage. She finally told me she never really loved me. Am I wrong to want these tokens of romance back?

GENTLE READER: As it is too late to tell you, a lady does not accept expensive jewelry from a gentleman who is not her husband. And as you are about to find out, someone who is not a lady does not give it back.

The exception is an engagement ring, which by definition is given by a not-yet-husband, and which is recognized, even legally, to be a pledge of troth to be returned if the pledge is not fulfilled for any reason. She certainly should give that back. In fact, she should regard all the jewelry as philosophically as you do, and rid herself of reminders of a mistaken romance. Miss Manners suggests you not hold your breath waiting for this to happen, however.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I celebrated my 17th birthday, I was happy to receive monetary gifts from both sets of my grandparents, but I put off writing "thank you" notes due to a multitude of reasons (including forgetfulness and my search for a summer job).

Now, over a month has transpired since the receipt of my gifts, and I have yet to express my gratitude. Recently, my mother brought to my attention this fact, and I immediately thought about my history with this process.

I have been notorious for being tardy with my thank you notes, and I am fairly positive that my relatives know about my parents' involvement in demanding that I write the notes. I am wondering: Would it be rude to send a note this late (when my grandparents would know that it was only my parents' involvement that got me around to the task), or would it be better to not write, and not call attention to my tardiness (and possible rudeness)?

GENTLE READER: Nice try. Your parents are insisting that you do the polite and decent thing, and you turn to Miss Manners for a reprieve. Your thoughtful reasoning is that since you are in the habit of procrastinating, you must run into some sort of statute of limitations by which you get off free.

Sorry. The longer you put off this task, the longer the letter you have to write. It should not contain your paltry excuses, but overwhelm them with gratitude for their kindness and enthusiasm about whatever you must have long since bought with their money.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I hate to sound like a child who was born with a silver spoon, but it often distresses me when my boyfriend goes on and on about how poor he was when growing up. Mind you, my boyfriend is fun and can be a little boisterous at times.

Last night we had dinner with a work colleague and his date. By chance we happened on the conversation of a child's birthday party, and our colleague's date was just explaining how she went a little overboard for the gifts, and why not, as a child only turns 5 once.

My boyfriend piped up and said, "How spoiled your kids are. I never had one birthday party or any Christmas gifts. In fact, one Christmas, my mom did get me a used videogame set. When I was at school one day she took it to the pawn shop and bought a carton of cigarettes."

Miss Manners, how does one respond to that? I was flustered and the date was left with an uneasy feeling. The colleague of course scoffed, and said, "That's so B.S." Our associate had grown up in a well-to-do family and couldn't conceive of the idea. The two men began to "discuss" the idea, and I just stayed out of the conversation.

On the drive home, my boyfriend was upset that I didn't stand up for him, and I told him that it was rude to even bring up such a tragedy and it probably spoiled our company's mood. So who was being inconsiderate -- my boyfriend or our company? Or myself? What can I do to alleviate this type of conversation topic being brought back up?

GENTLE READER: Fraternize with people who have serious, current misfortunes, preferably by finding a way to help them. With any luck, the gentleman might be exposed to gallant souls who refuse to feel sorry for themselves. At the least, he will hear how irritating self-pity can be.

His behavior was culpable, as he used this self-pity to criticize someone else as well as to beg for retroactive sympathy. Miss Manners cannot condone what his friend replied, but she sympathizes with the sentiment.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was wondering if it is OK to drop by a neighbor's house unannounced. We stopped by a neighbor's house the other night and they invited us in; however, they were eating dinner and had company staying with them. I felt uncomfortable being there. My husband feels it is rude to decline the invitation to come inside, but I feel we should have said we would come back another time or call next time before stopping by their house.

GENTLE READER: Your husband thought it would be rude not to crash the neighbor's dinner? Miss Manners is hard put to understand why he would think that the polite way to make up for interrupting their meal and their time with their friends was to keep right on doing it.

Dropping in is an impolite habit exactly because it creates the sort of awkward situation that you describe. Of course you should call. Better still, why not invite them to your house when you wish to see them?

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Please explain why there is apparently a now-universal compulsion to answer the phone, whether cell or landline, under any or all circumstances, and, having once answered it, to deal with whoever is on the other end at the expense of the person you were dealing with previously. Surely the people who engage in this -- and in my experience, that's almost everyone -- must recognize how rude the practice is. But apparently they don't, since there's rarely an apology, and they proceed as if the behavior is completely appropriate and normal.

Given how widespread the phenomenon is, I thought that perhaps I'm just being old-fashioned and out of tune with the times (clearly the latter). Something beyond mere manners must be going on here given how widespread the practice is.

Have the phone companies somehow programmed us to act in this Pavlovian manner? If so, it wouldn't be a manners issue and Miss Manners might be excused for not wishing to address it.

GENTLE READER: Programmed behavior is indeed within the purview of manners. We are the ones who advocate seizing innocent babes and programming them to say "please" and "thank you" before they know or care what these mean.

However, the reaction you mention is indeed rude. Miss Manners blames Alexander Graham Bell, who blurted out "Mr. Watson, come here, I want you" (where was the "please"?) when he tried out his infernal machine on his assistant. This established the idea that a telephone summons was an imperial command that could not be safely ignored.

Why years of inconsequential blathering has not dispelled that notion Miss Manners cannot say. But to this day, the urge to attend to the telephone is the only force on Earth stronger than greed. You can easily test this out by attempting to hand money to a salesperson when a telephone begins to ring.

That it is rude to ignore those in person in favor of voices from the distance does not seem to make much of an impression, as you noticed. The blessings of the answering machine, caller ID and voicemail combined have only driven the rude to make inaccurate counteraccusations of rudeness on the part of those who do not jump to the bell.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I recently had several friends (and associated people) stay at my home while they were fleeing from a hurricane. After their departure, several of the associated people sent small, appropriate tokens of appreciation to me thanking me for letting them stay with me.

Should I acknowledge those gifts with a thank-you note? It would seem that by doing so I am starting a vicious circle, but do not want to be rude in the face of their politeness. So, should I acknowledge a thank-you gift with a thank-you note?

GENTLE READER: "Vicious circle" is hardly the term Miss Manners would select to describe such a gracious exchange of courtesies. But aside from her hope that you would want to keep in touch with these people to see how they are doing, you need not worry that acknowledging their kindness is an imposition. Letters of thanks do not require replies, but hospitality and presents do. Therefore, your required letter of thanks for their present to thank you for your hospitality does not require another letter.

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