DEAR MISS MANNERS: I live in a golf course country club in Naples, Fla. We often go to the restaurant for lunch after a round of golf. I am a lady and I am required to take off my hat in the restaurant. I thought this rule applied only to men. Otherwise, how do we justify hats in church and other formal affairs?

We play golf in other clubs in Naples. I have never been asked to remove my hat in their restaurants. Please advise.

GENTLE READER: It is not in your interest as a golfer to insist on traditional gender roles in or near the golf course. One of them was that ladies allow gentlemen to play through, as the gentlemen's time was considered more valuable.

Should you attend a luncheon at the clubhouse wearing a dress and a whimsical hat, Miss Manners will defend your right to keep it on as you may in church and at formal events. Unisex sports caps cannot lay claim to ladylike rules.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Sunday I was at the new condo of a close friend of mine for over 13 years, and I accidentally bumped into her screen door. As the bump was quite severe, the door was knocked off its track (but otherwise not damaged).

I apologized and placed the door back on its track. For the rest of the condo-warming party, my friend's parents preceded to make veiled jibes in reference to the incident. I politely went along with the jibes, and proceeded to depart the party after an hour and a half.

However, upon returning to work today, my co-worker informed me that he had heard about the incident from my friend after I left. Apparently, my friend took it upon herself to continue where her parents left off and joke about the incident to the rest of the partygoers after I had departed. Mind you, when the incident happened at the party, the only people present were myself, my friend and her parents.

From what my grandmother taught me about etiquette, I was always led to believe that a gracious hostess should help her guests feel at ease and not remind them about their mistakes. I would like to speak with my friend and let her know that I did not appreciate her actions, as I really do feel further embarrassed, but I'm not positive that this is the best recourse.

GENTLE READER: Did your grandmother mention that sometimes a gracious hostess has to remind her guest of a mistake in order to make her feel at ease?

When there is a spectacular accident with no serious consequences, ignoring it may suggest that the perpetrator is habitually clumsy to the point that no one is surprised. Making a joke of it could demonstrate that it was an unusual occurrence embarrassing neither hostess nor guest.

Admittedly, Miss Manners is hard pressed to think how your hostess and her parents made such a funny story out of this that it was worth drawing to the attention of people who had not noticed. But let us assume that that was her intention and move on to the real etiquette problem: Making her stop.

There comes a point when even welcome teasing gets on the nerves. Having passed that point, you can say, without rancor, "Can we please drop the screen door joke now? It's beginning to wear on me."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As a light-skinned woman in my mid-40s, it is not uncommon for my face to turn quite red several times a day as I suffer through the hot flashes commonly associated with menopause. At times, co-workers or acquaintances will comment on my red face and ask me if I've been out in the sun. How should I reply to these questions and comments? I'm not a sunbather, and besides, they are likely to notice that my "sunburned" face returns to its normal shade after a few minutes.

GENTLE READER: "Stop, please. You're making me blush."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a divorced man in my late 40s. My religious belief prohibits my ever re-marrying as long as my former spouse is living.

I would like to entertain in my home; however, since I never date anymore, I am hesitant. I would like to give a decent party, and nearly all my guests would be married couples. I've always been told that my parties were great, but I am afraid that not many people will show up.

What do you think would be proper? I am talking about an 8 to 11 no-alcohol party with catered refreshments, a couple of games, a door prize, conversation and dancing.

Even though I am very masculine, rude remarks have been made because of my status. A woman wouldn't have this problem.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners can think of another reason that you might not be as popular as you would wish. If you confided your notion that ladies would not have such problems, you will have offended those who know better. Rude speculations to which unattached ladies are routinely subjected range from their not being attractive enough to be married to their being eager to snag the other ladies' husbands.

Miss Manners can also think of a worse reason that your invitations might be rejected. There are people who cannot imagine social life without alcohol and are outraged at the very idea of spending an evening without a drink. You are better off without them, since anyone so fixated is likely to be hard on the furniture.

This should leave plenty of people who would enjoy a purely social evening, now something of a rarity in our networking society. But you will never know until you stop fretting and issue those invitations.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'll be beginning college next fall, and my grandmother sent my father a large sum of money to help pay for my tuition. I want to write a thank-you letter, but am not sure the correct way to express this, as the gift wasn't sent to me.

Can I just say "thank you for your generous gift, I appreciate the help very much," and go on to talk about the typical things I say to her in letters (school, friends, summer plans)? Is that enough of a thank-you note? Do I need to say how much was given, or mention that of course I will apply it to my tuition? Should my father send one, too?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners would consider the formulaic letter you suggest passable if your grandmother had given you a sweater. But she is helping to give you a college education! What would she have to do to get your full attention and a gush of gratitude?

Of course you mention the present itself -- not the amount of money, but what it represents and what you plan to study and what you think you might do with your education. This should be a You Changed My Life letter. And if your father has any doubt about whether he should take formal notice over the fact that he has been relieved of thousands of dollars worth of debt, the answer is: yes.

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