DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son and a former girlfriend recently had a baby, which they gave up for adoption. As is seemingly more common these days, the adoption was "open." That is, the adoptive parents have agreed that my son and his family, including me, will be able to visit his biological daughter twice a year and otherwise stay in touch with the adoptive family.

While I am delighted to have some contact with my biological granddaughter, I am confused as to what she should call me when she gets old enough to talk.

I believe my son prefers that she call him by his first name. Since he is rather young, and their age difference is not that great, this will probably work fine for the two of them. I am 50 years old and am a little uncomfortable when children call me by my first name.

The girl has adoptive grandparents that she will be calling Grandma and Grandpa. I don't want her to be confused, nor do I want to seem like I am impinging on the adoptive family. I'm not an "aunt," but calling me "Mrs. P" seems much too formal for this relationship. Is there a standard address for biological grandparents in an open adoption?

GENTLE READER: There is not even a standard address for grandparents in what used to be standard families, where a child with any luck would have two sets of them.

Your granddaughter could easily acquire an entire club of grandparents: not only two sets each from her adoptive parents and her biological parents, but the parents of anyone else the latter ones might marry. She needs to be able to distinguish among them.

The traditional system is to let the grandparents choose variants of the title ("Granny" and "Grandma," for example, or "Grandmother" and "Bubbles"), adding their proper names if the choice happens to be the same ("Grandpa Jim" or "Grandfather Stonewall").

This will work best, in your case, if you remember that you are dependent on the good will of people who are not related to you. Miss Manners strongly advises you to ascertain the consent of the adoptive parents and not pre-empt the choices of their parents.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there a good name for online friends, or, perhaps I should say, a better name for online friends?

I am an avid birder, and participate in several online forums across the nation. Through these groups, I have come to know several people quite well via off-list correspondence.

On rare occasions, our travels may lead us to cross paths, but for the most part our friendships are entirely e-mail based. When mentioning these people in conversation with others, I usually refer to them as "my friend," but that feels a little strange given that I've never actually met them. Yet I don't like to distance them by referring to them as acquaintances or online friends. Any suggestions?

GENTLE READER: These are your pen pals. Be sure and let Miss Manners know if you want her to explain what a pen is.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the etiquette for out-of-town guests giving advance notice when they are coming to visit? We have friends and relatives who live all over the map, including China, India and the West Coast. They call up when they arrive in town wanting to get together.

I feel mixed emotions because we would love to see these friends but feel put on the spot when this happens. We are committed to various obligations throughout the week that make it difficult for us to drop everything and meet for dinner. It takes a lot of advance planning to travel from China to the United States and a little planning to travel from the West Coast to the East Coast. Plane tickets need to be bought in advance. So why can't these visitors let us know in advance that they are planning a visit? This is not just a one-time incident -- if it was I wouldn't be writing this letter.

What do we need to say visitors the next time this happens?

GENTLE READER: "Oh, dear, we're dying to see you, but we had no idea you were coming and we've made other plans. Next time please give us some warning, and we'll make sure nothing interferes."

If, in spite of wanting to re-train them, you would regret missing the opportunity to see them, Miss Manners suggests adding that you could drop by their hotel for an early breakfast. This works especially well on late risers.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a woman in my early 30s who is overweight. I have maintained my current weight for about the past five years. I carry my weight proportionately, and can still wear my clothes well, so I don't feel overly self-conscious about my appearance.

I have come across a number of people who upon seeing me for the first time in many months have commented that I must have lost weight and look much better than since they've seen me last.

That of course is not true, and I tell them I weigh the same as when they saw me last.

These comments are very upsetting to me, because it implies that their memory of me is distorted into that of a much larger person than I am. When they see me their memory doesn't match reality, and that is so surprising to them they assume I lost weight, when I haven't.

I can't help becoming angry with these would-be do-gooders. How do I convey my un-appreciation for these comments and get people to remember me accurately?

GENTLE READER: For reasons that escape Miss Manners, many people consider that there is no higher compliment than suggesting that someone is getting thinner or looking younger than is actually the case. Obviously, in your case it has nothing to do with actual weight.

So you have already conveyed your lack of appreciation. They expected you to look thrilled and say "thank you."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My boyfriend and I have been in definite agreement for a while that we would like to get married after I was done with graduate school. However, we felt that it would be in poor taste to announce an engagement for a wedding that was still years down the line, so few people know about our plans yet.

The problem I am having is that I have recently been hearing a lot of women say that you cannot be truly engaged unless a guy has bent down on his knee and given you a ring and said the magic words.

My boyfriend never offered me such a proposal, but he has expressed his sincerity in many other ways. I do not see the point of having him get down on bended knee to propose to me now when we are ready to announce our engagement considering that I already know he wants to marry me. Plus, I do not want an engagement ring, as there are other things I would rather spend the money on. I was hoping to simply announce that we are planning a wedding on a certain date and leave it at that.

Everybody else I have known who had plans to get married down the line has either gotten officially engaged when they knew they wanted to get married, or else their boyfriends "surprised" them with a proposal as the wedding date drew near. I do not mind not receiving a proposal myself, but I am starting to feel that I must be doing things improperly. Who is right?

GENTLE READER: Nobody.

A definite agreement to be married is the definition of an engagement. Rings, bended knees and announcements are merely optional frills.

But you are dangerously wrong in allowing the expectations of outsiders to make you doubt the decisions you and your fiance make. Miss Manners hopes you will correct this before you find yourself in a marriage being run by gossips.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My mother is in the final stages of dementia/Alzheimer's, and preparations are being made for her funeral arrangements. My concern is her headstone.

She was married three times and had children from her first two marriages. She is being buried in her parents' lot next to her predeceased third husband. Her first husband, killed during World War II, is buried elsewhere, as is her second husband. She will eventually have her grown child from the first marriage and one of her grown children from her second marriage buried next to her.

The executor, my brother, suggests her maiden name on the headstone and the saying "Beloved wife of... " with the names and years of her marriage to her three husbands. The thought is that this arrangement will explain the various eventual different surnames that will be at that lot. Is this idea acceptable? I conferred with a genealogist cousin and with the headstone company and received an affirmative answer.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners is certainly not going to object. Nor, she imagines, are the future passersby in the cemetery, who are likely to be touched by how charming the lady must have been to be three times beloved, and how unfortunate to have been three times widowed.

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