DEAR MISS MANNERS: This weekend, my sister and I invited a friend who has had a bad year to our home for some pampering. The invitation was issued a while back, and last week we were both ill. By Thursday we were feeling better but we had been unable to thoroughly clean. We decided not to cancel the weekend and straightened as best we could.

My friend advised she would arrive Friday evening, so I rushed home before 4 to find she was already waiting for me. I did not have time to sweep out her room or change her sheets (I had counted on an hour to put on the finishing touches). I explained what had happened, started straightening her room while she was in the bathroom and was greeted with "the floor is a little messy, can I have a broom?"

My friend is recovering from cancer and was just fired from her job -- they fired her entire division in a cost-saving move, so we had planned to pay for all of her entertainment. We paid for her meals, for her fees into a quilting show and for champagne to cheer her.

Over the course of the weekend she became more and more outspoken. She said something to my sister about the state of the bedrooms (we had closed off access to them because, again, we had not had time to really clean).

On Sunday morning, while I was rushing to make a full breakfast, I could not find a spatula. We have a small kitchen that is in the process of being remodeled and things go astray. She said, "If you would clean more often, you might be able to find one."

Shortly after, at breakfast, she ended the visit with, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but I could never bring my mother here. She is very neat and judges people by their homes. I can just hear her saying 'They don't make their beds... '"

I am afraid I lost my temper. I excused myself, went to mutter in the kitchen, and generally was frigidly polite for the weekend. My sister, who was also offended by this time, started to explain, more pointedly, what occurred, but I am afraid I interrupted her with "We do not owe an explanation."

We ushered our guest out much sooner than planned by pointedly asking her how long the trip to New Hampshire would take her and telling her where the best gas prices were to be had.

I think she was offended. My question is this: Do I owe her an apology for the speed with which the weekend ended? And how much should I grovel for having interrupted my sister?

I have always believed that if a sentence begins with "Please don't take this the wrong way" it probably should not be uttered.

GENTLE READER: Make that "definitely" instead of "probably." And count your erstwhile friend's insult as double because she violated her obligation as your guest as well as that of being a friend.

Etiquette does not require you to accept being insulted in your own house. Nor does it allow you to insult your guest, and Miss Manners congratulates you for getting around that by confining yourself to a frigid tone and assistance with transportation.

As to whether you insulted your sister by interrupting her, you must ask your sister. Miss Manners' guess is that she was grateful for your help.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I've been dating my girlfriend for a few months now and everything is going well. We both enjoy the beach and went together for the first time last month.

To my surprise, she undressed to reveal a thong bikini. I'm sure most men would think I'm nuts, but I was very uncomfortable with her choice of swimwear, especially since you're hard pressed to find any other women wearing one at the beaches we frequent. She would walk to the water and not think twice about it, but I couldn't help noticing the extra attention she was getting from people.

I brought it up with her once and she simply said it was what she has always enjoyed wearing and no one else has had a problem with it, and asked, "Why, don't you think I look good in it?"

That's not the issue at all. Maybe it would be OK at less-conservative beaches, but I just don't think it's appropriate swimwear at the family beaches we frequent.

Are there any rules of etiquette dealing with swimwear? How do I bring it up with her without sounding like a snob? Or am I making too much of it?

GENTLE READER: Different beaches have different standards, as you have noticed, and etiquette only requires refraining from straying too far from them. Thus it would be as wrong to pad around all-but-naked at a family beach as to be swathed in clothes on a nude beach.

But there is an etiquette issue here that you missed. Continuing to criticize the lady's decision -- you had already brought it up -- doesn't make you sound like a snob. It makes you sound like someone who thinks he can dictate to the lady. Not to mention being a nag.

And you certainly don't want to use the point about other men staring at her. It would no longer be an argument about judgment, but one in which she accuses you of insecurity and jealousy.

However, you can state your own taste in the matter, hoping she might like to please you. So your answer to whether she looks good should be, "You're beautiful. It's the suit I don't like." (If you are pressed about why, the polite way to say "vulgar" is "Well, it's not very subtle, is it?")

You must still recognize that the lady retains her own choice about what she wears. Allowing that, you can suggest going to a beach where her choice is not likely to offend people.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If you lend a book to someone, and she dies, and the chances are that her relatives don't know she borrowed the book from you and will either keep it for themselves or dispose of it with her other books and belongings, is there any decent way, considering their grief, etc., that you can get the book back?

GENTLE READER: "Now may I have my book back?" is not a charming request to make of the bereaved, Miss Manners agrees. However, in the course of making a condolence call -- which you ought to do anyway -- you could muse, after other reminiscences, about whether you were able to give her a small pleasure. "I wonder if she was able to finish that book I lent her. Did you happen to see it around?"

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: A man returns home after a long absence. His family has gathered to greet him at the airport. Is it proper for him to embrace his mother first, or his wife and children?

GENTLE READER: He should hold his arms wide apart and hug whoever runs into them, then move on to the next nearest. But if he has reason to know that his various relatives are going to take insult over the order of hugging, Miss Manners would understand if he wanted to get back on the airplane.

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