DEAR MISS MANNERS: Before a trip to the beach, I lost my favorite pair of sunglasses. Lounging on the beach one day, I noticed an older gentleman wearing sunglasses identical to the pair I had lost. I politely approached him and asked where he had gotten them and how much they cost.

Despite my polite demeanor, he looked shocked when I asked him where he got his sunglasses and seemed downright offended when I had asked him the price. He told me, but answered in a tone that made me regret asking.

Do you think it's impolite to nicely ask someone where an item came from and how much they paid for it? This man obviously thinks it is.

GENTLE READER: So does Miss Manners. Has it really never occurred to you that anyone might object to being approached by a stranger and asked a personal question? Or even that how much one paid for one's possessions IS a personal question?

Miss Manners can see she has her work cut out for her.

You could have done it, but it would have required the acknowledgement that this was, in several ways, an intrusion. Huge advance apologies and an exaggerated story about your attachment to your lost sunglasses might have done it. At least it would have demonstrated that if he wanted to return to his sunbathing in peace, it would be easier to answer your question than to argue.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In August, my husband, two adult sons and myself will be visiting with in-laws at their lake home for an extended weekend. As they host guests every weekend, they are unable to take time off from the upkeep chores associated with a house and boat when we are there. We do bring groceries and help with meal preparation, but I'm worried that we should offer to do more.

I will add that my vacation time is extremely limited, as I'm providing the income for our household while my husband starts a business. I would greatly prefer to spend this precious time vacationing rather than weeding the garden or re-staining the deck. What are my obligations in this matter?

GENTLE READER: As a guest and a daughter-in-law, you are obligated to offer to help, Miss Manners regrets to tell you. Lying around watching your elders work is not a charming posture.

The trick is to get the offer refused. If your in-laws are not likely to do this, perhaps you can enlist your other relatives. You are, after all, the elder generation to your sons. They should be briefed beforehand to jump in after any offer of yours, saying, "No, Ma, you need your rest. We'll do it." And if they are slow to do this, your husband can speak up, saying, "No, dear, the boys want to do it."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Please help my friend see how rude and wrong she has been.

Jean's husband went blind from an illness. She was wonderful in the situation. She always wore perfume since he couldn't see her. Arranged the house for his convenience. She read the paper to him every day and they did the puzzle together.

When he died, I knew she would be perfect for a male friend of mine who is also blind. She overreacted and said she would never go through that again. She had let her appearance go since he couldn't see her, and she liked to read the paper to herself.

But taking care of her husband brought out the best in her, and that is when people are really happy. So I invited my blind friend over to try Jean's home cooking. She is really a spectacular cook. I brought all the ingredients and then invited Jean over. When she arrived and found Zachary here, she said, "Oh, no" and walked out.

How do you think that made him feel? My husband and myself had made plans to go out so they could be alone, so we had to ask Zachary to leave.

When I scolded Jean the next day, she jumped on me for making him go home alone and without any dinner. She claims Zachary was our guest, not hers. But we invited him for her because they would be good for each other. Now she won't talk to me at all.

Why is it that those who try to make the world a better place end up unappreciated?

GENTLE READER: Could it be because they have no compunction about grossly insulting and humiliating their guests under the guise of doing them explicitly unwelcome favors?

Miss Manners can hardly count the etiquette atrocities you committed. She tries to remind herself that you meant well, but frankly she can't manage it. If you had given your friends' feelings any thought at all, you would never have done this.

You attempted to trap a guest into a blind date she wished to avoid and into cooking dinner when you had invited her. You led another guest to believe his company would be welcome when you knew it was not, and you threw him out of the house hungry.

Worst of all, you made it clear to supposed friends that the outstanding characteristic of one was his blindness, and of the other her sacrifices -- discounting that they were done for love of her husband rather than a love of sacrifice -- so it didn't matter whether they really had anything in common.

And you call them unappreciative?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is an appropriate gift for a woman who has acted as a surrogate mother of my child?

GENTLE READER: Emotional support. If you want to give her something tangible besides, Miss Manners recommends something glamorously unrelated to the child, such as jewelry. In other words, teddy bears are out.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was wondering the proper order of events, pertaining an engagement. Does the groom ask her father for hand in marriage, then ask her and give her the diamond? Or does he ask her to marry him and then her father?

GENTLE READER: He should not ask her father to marry him. Proposing to two members of the same family can only end in strife or bigamy.

If, however, you wish to ask the father's permission to ask the lady to marry you, you must do so first. However, Miss Manners warns you not to attempt this before being reasonably sure of a favorable reply from the lady. "Your father is OK with your marrying me" is not a persuasive argument these days.

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