DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have found myself recently an invitee to a number of homes for various meals, and have encountered a rather interesting situation: My hosts have been incredibly polite and have often emphasized my "elevated status" as a guest.

As such, I am treated to a number of prodigious kindnesses, some of which I am not sure how to handle. As a hypothetical example, in a family of cookie-eaters, they somehow managed to run out of cookies, save for one, which they promptly handed to me (knowing that I, too, am a fan of cookies and would most certainly enjoy and eat it).

While I am most grateful for these kindnesses, and acknowledge that I would do likewise, I still find myself feeling a bit awkward at the emphasis of guest status (something I do not verbalize) and the related kindnesses. Could you please advise on how to handle this?

GENTLE READER: It would help if Miss Manners knew why you are considered elevated. Age? Money? Power? Shoes?

If you are given precedence because you are the eldest, take it. Demurring doesn't make you any younger, nor can you exchange it for the advantages of youth, as many seem to believe. Someone has to go first, and with the age system, everyone (with any luck) eventually gets a chance.

Your uneasiness makes Miss Manners suspect that it is rather a question of some sort of rank. You are the mayor or the pastor or chairman of the admissions committee of something or other, or so rich that people have the illusion that some of it will fall out of your pockets into their bank accounts if only they pamper you enough.

Tell your real friends -- those who would still love you if you lost your position or money -- that you really enjoy being off-duty with them, and wish they would not emphasize your professional status when you are relaxing. As for those who are merely currying favor with you, your choice is between letting them or avoiding them.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Having retired in Florida, we are pass holders to several theme parks, where we enjoy outdoor concerts on a regular basis. At times, strangers tap my shoulder from behind asking that I remove my hat.

I wear my hat to protect my face from the sun, and also as part of my coordinated attire. The hats I wear are small, never the huge, gaudy type. When I ignore them they often go on and on, telling me how inconsiderate and rude I am.

How should I handle these situations, since I do not wish to engage in pointless verbal exchanges with these rude people?

GENTLE READER: Not by committing the rudeness of ignoring their requests. Nor by pointing out that your hats are coordinated with your clothing. This is not a comfort to people who feel that their views are blocked.

Miss Manners suggests saying, "Oh, I'm so sorry, but I need the hat to protect my skin. If I lean over a bit will you be able to see better?"

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: The company I work for has a dress code policy that's quite casual as long as the dress is appropriate for the position and department of the employee. It can range from a polo shirt with company logo and khaki pants for executives to blue jeans and T-shirts for underlings.

They also have a policy of hiring the teenage or college-aged children of employees for summer part-time help, which is good. But I have seen a trend among them that crosses the line for "casual dress."

The teenage daughters of one key executive and a department manager were hired for the summer for clerical and receptionist backup. Both are nice girls, but it was a shock to see one of them, a college student, sitting at the receptionist's desk one morning with a new hairstyle drastically different from her usual light-brown long hair. She had it chopped off in different layers, dyed almost black, and streaked with neon blue streaks. (When asked how I liked her new hairstyle, I merely asked if it glowed in the dark.)

The other, a high-schooler with multiple body piercings and tattoos, sat up front in a crop top and hip-hugger blue jeans that defied gravity. Aside from full exposure of her navel, one notch less on her belt would have exposed the crack in her behind and her private areas. This was intentional, as it gave good exposure to the snake-like writhing tattoos she has around her hips.

I'm a firm believer that the initial impression a company gives to a potential customer or client is how the receptionist conveys herself to the general public. If full-time employees came to work like that, this would not be tolerated under any circumstances. They would be told to go home and change -- both their clothes and their hair. Fortunately, both full-time receptionists dress appropriately for their positions.

I was appalled at the appearance of both girls, but declined to openly criticize them due to the pecking order of their parents in the company.

I have also noticed similar casualness and outrageous attire when young women come for interviews into the company. They show up in blue jeans, T-shirts, sneakers or sandals, impossibly short skirts and crop tops, and 3-inch-long fake nails to apply for positions that in former days would have required a suit or at least a nicely tailored pair of trousers. Then they wonder why, in spite of impressive resumes, they don't get hired.

So, Miss Manners, how would you approach these parents about their children's appearances, regardless of their only being there for the summer, without telling them bluntly that one looks like a vampire-movie wannabe and the other looks like a slut?

GENTLE READER: They already know that. They may even have told their daughters so -- only to be cowed by the argument that this, and not their silly polo shirts, is what "casual" now means.

If such is the case, Miss Manners would imagine the parents to be grateful for some tactful support. You might ask them whether they want instruction in professional dress to be part of the young ladies' orientation, and if so, whether they need some help.

It will not be easy, Miss Manners warns you. The difference between professional and casual clothing is clear; the difference between one kind of casual and another is not. You will have to explain it as one of the mysteries of the modern working world, as indeed it is.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: If I haven't seen an old friend of the opposite sex in a year or two, is it proper to exchange hugs in front of others, or should a handshake be the best thing to do?

GENTLE READER: Were you on social hugging terms before?

If you were on handshaking terms then, Miss Manners fears that you will find your arms encircling a mass of confusion. Your old friend will be doing a memory search, on the chance of having forgotten how things got so warm.

However, if you were on more-than-social hugging terms in the past, it will be whoever is accompanying your friend who is doing the wondering.

So unless you are resuming an old greeting, it is best to start with a hearty handshake. It is easier to increase warmth than to explain it.

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