DEAR MISS MANNERS: If I haven't seen an old friend of the opposite sex in a year or two, is it proper to exchange hugs in front of others, or should a handshake be the best thing to do?

GENTLE READER: Were you on social hugging terms before?

If you were on handshaking terms then, Miss Manners fears that you will find your arms encircling a mass of confusion. Your old friend will be doing a memory search, on the chance of having forgotten how things got so warm.

However, if you were on more-than-social hugging terms in the past, it will be whoever is accompanying your friend who is doing the wondering.

So unless you are resuming an old greeting, it is best to start with a hearty handshake. It is easier to increase warmth than to explain it.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a neighbor who is recently divorced. She relies on my husband to help her out a lot with fixing things in her house, lifting objects, etc. She also takes lengthy vacations, during which we water her plants daily, collect her mail, and sign for and keep her packages.

Three times now, I have asked her to reciprocate for much shorter amounts of times and she has said no!

She explains that she is in a phase of her life in which she needs to be selfish and she does not want to take on anything that would prohibit her from being "free" to up and leave at any moment.

While I can respect that, I am now a bit reluctant to continue these services for her. She just called to give me a "heads-up" that she'll be gone "most of the summer." What can I say to her when she calls and officially asks me to look after her things for over a month? I've decided I really don't want to if she is not willing to reciprocate. Is there a subtle way to convey this?

GENTLE READER: What a charming idea that is -- to declare oneself in a selfish period, sustained by depending on the unselfishness of others. The only part Miss Manners doesn't understand is how this would work if the idea were to spread.

You might test it by saying how intrigued you and your husband are with her notion, and explaining that you have decided to give it a try.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a child of the computer age and often send e-cards on various occasions. Last Wednesday, a fellow chorus member invited me over for dinner with a few friends of his. I enjoyed the evening and wanted to send him a thank-you note. I chose to use an e-card.

Yesterday I saw him again at a concert, but he seemed rather cold to me. As we have not had contact since and I got the confirmation that he had read my e-card, I think he disliked my thank-you note.

Are e-cards inappropriate, in your opinion? What role may new technologies play in societal life, and when should I trust paper and pen?

GENTLE READER: Was the meal canned? If not, why should the response be?

What you sent was doubly minimal. It was e-mail, which is the easiest form of written communication, and it was not even put in your own words. Did you imagine that this would delight your friend, as he waited for the card to finish downloading so that he could get back the use of his computer?

Miss Manners suspects that your thought was rather that you could discharge your obligation easily. You have not. Even if the food was canned, the host spent time and attention on you. E-mail is a wonderful convenience for casual messages and memos, but you still owe your host a letter of thanks.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I live in a particularly picturesque (and heavily touristed) part of the world. From time to time we invite friends or family members and they often stay for more than a week at a time.

Is it rude to clean (say, to scrub the guest bathroom or to do laundry using the washing machine in our kitchen) while guests are in our home?

If we don't take care of these things, they (and we) will run out of clean towels and sheets or we will find ourselves walking on crumb-filled or sticky floors (or worse). Spot-cleaning will not suffice in many cases and we could not afford to pay someone to clean for us while we entertain elsewhere.

If our guests do not take us up on suggestions which will take them out of our house for a while (taking a walk with one of us while the other cleans, or going to a concert or for coffee elsewhere), is it permissible for us to roll up our sleeves and take care of household business (i.e. clean up after them) while they look on?

GENTLE READER: That's all they do while you're down on your hands and knees scrubbing up after them -- look on? Don't any of them ever say, "You missed a spot over there"?

Miss Manners commends you for attempting to send them out of the house. This is the tactful thing to do, as it makes clear that you are not conscripting them into domestic service. In the same spirit, the first feeble, "Oh, can't we stay and help?" should be considered merely formal and answered with the assurance that it will be easier for you to do your chores if they are out amusing themselves.

After that, those who choose not to go should have the decency to ask more seriously to help. If they insist, you may mention some light task or tell them cheerfully but firmly that you have your routines so well organized that the biggest help would be for them to find a quiet corner out of the way.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a high school student and am on some sports teams for my school. I have a letter for being on a varsity team and I also have a lot of medals. When people come up to me and say, "Wow, you have a lot of medals," I say thanks and leave it at that. I don't want to sound arrogant, but I enjoy the compliments. Is there anything else that I could say that would get my thanks out better?

GENTLE READER: The comment that you quote is an awkward compliment at best, as it is merely a neutral observation; Miss Manners would have preferred something more in the way of admiration. However, you are right to take it as such, and there is nothing arrogant about an expression of thanks.

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