DEAR MISS MANNERS: My friends and I are entering the time of life when we will (hopefully) propose marriage to certain eligible young ladies.

If a young lady's reaction to a marriage proposal is unexpectedly along the lines of, "I'm not sure, I need to think about this," what should the marriage proposer do?

Withdraw the proposal in the belief that in this particular situation, the absence of an affirmative answer is the same as a negative answer? Wait for a solid answer? We have had "Seinfeld"-esque discussions about this; what does etiquette say?

GENTLE READER: Traditionally, saying one would think it over is the only correct positive response. A lady would not like to indicate that she had been ready with the answer before the gentleman was ready with the question.

Miss Manners is aware that this has been forgotten now that courtships are characterized by testy discussions about willingness to commit oneself. Nevertheless, it would be rude to announce one wanted to spend the rest of one's life with a lady but that the offer is about to expire.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My fiance has friends that just show up at his house on the weekends without calling. He doesn't necessarily like it, but he doesn't stop it, either.

I stay at his house on the weekends and I will be moving in later this year. I think that it is very rude for his friends to stop over and not even call first.

On the weekends I like to lounge around in my pajamas and do things around his house. I enjoy my privacy, especially since I deal with lots of people at work during the week. I do not appreciate his friends stopping over and not calling to see if it is even a convenient time.

I told him that when I move in, I will not stand for his friends to just come over anytime they want. I think out of respect for me, and whether or not the house is even appropriate for company, they should call at least an hour in advance to give me time to get dressed and make the house presentable.

He says that he can't control his friends from doing it. I say that he can.

Am I asking too much? Am I wrong to think it is rude for people to just drop in?

GENTLE READER: You are asking too much, in that you expect him to accept your indignation, rather than the willingness to compromise by which married people accommodate each other, as sufficient reason to change his living habits.

Your assumption, which you are asking Miss Manners to endorse, is that dropping in is wrong in itself. And so it is -- except when the host welcomes it, which is what your fiance has been doing.

Your plea to him should be to do this for your sake -- not because you "won't stand for it" -- as Miss Manners hopes you make adjustments for his sake. It would help if you offered to tell them by saying, "We both love to see you, but now we need to know in advance when you would like to visit."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I did not receive thank-you notes for gifts I mailed to friends for numerous occasions, including surprise birthday parties we were unable to attend, baby gifts and housewarming gifts. However, I did see my friends sometime afterwards and my gift was never brought up.

Should I have asked them if they received my gift, or just assumed that they did and not embarrass them? I know there are busy people in this world, but I believe if we take the time to purchase, mail and think of another, it is nice to acknowledge by note, phone call or in person.

GENTLE READER: By all means, ask them. If the packages did not arrive, Miss Manners presumes you will want to know. And if they did, you will also want to know so you can cross them off your shopping list.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am happily engaged to be married soon. I would like my wedding and reception to be a true celebration with friends and family who love us and wish us well, but I have a very limited budget.

To that end, I have resorted to a buffet-style luncheon to be eaten on paper products rather than china and silver. I will use traditionally worded, plain ivory invitations; however, they will be printed, not engraved, and will not include that superfluous bit of tissue or (you will be happy to hear) those monstrous response cards. I will have only one attendant, and family and friends are helping prepare the food, cakes and decorations. When you have recovered consciousness, perhaps you could reassure me that I am not a disgrace to well-mannered brides everywhere.

My distress, which is quite acute, stems from my feeling suddenly that etiquette is the purview of the well-off, of which I am not a member. As a well-mannered Southern girl, I desperately want my ceremony and festivities to be proper and feel that perhaps I am operating outside those bounds. Please help.

GENTLE READER: The proper thing for you to is to help Miss Manners up off the floor first. She fell into a faint all right, but not over the idea that you are violating etiquette by not having a big vulgar expensive extravaganza of a wedding.

What sent her crashing -- her smelling salts, please; there's a dear -- is your notion that etiquette is some sort of luxury cultivated by the rich. You must have met very few of them.

Etiquette has nothing to do with gaggles of chorus-line bridesmaids, groan-producing dinners, endless revelries and the other over-done ingredients of the debt-ridden wedding. The simplest weddings are, in fact, the most likely to be proper.

For example, engraved invitations are merely the traditional substitute for handwritten ones. Rather than printing imitations of engraving, the more charming, not to mention cheaper, alternative is to write them out by hand.

The greatest improprieties occur when bridal couples ignore the comforts and convenience of their guests in their efforts to aggrandize themselves. (When you hear the announcement, "After all, it's our wedding," you may be sure that a plan of that nature is underway.)

Miss Manners trusts that your friends and relatives volunteered to help with the cooking, rather than being assigned to do so. And when she suggests firm plates and flatware, she is not hoping for a commission from the sale of china and silver -- any reasonably attractive ceramic and metal will do -- but rather thinking of how nasty it is to eat from paper.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been invited to a Sunday brunch hosted by my lady friend's parents. What is the proper gift for a mature male to bring as an expression of appreciation? They do not drink alcohol, nor do I know anything personal about them. I do not want to ask my lady friend, as I want it to surprise her also.

GENTLE READER: Flowers. Miss Manners considers it more flattering to be assumed to appreciate beauty than to be in need of a drink.

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