DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a smoker, despite being well aware that smoking is a harmful, vulgar and a useless activity in which to engage (but feel free to admonish anyway).

Mind you, I am also well aware of the harmful effects of secondhand smoke, and as such, I never smoke indoors (including bars), except in my own apartment. If I'm waiting for a bus outside and there are others waiting at my bus stop, I make it a point to stand a few feet away and downwind. I feel as if I do all that is possible to keep the negative consequences of my smoking to myself. However, I do solicit your judgment on style for the following:

Is there a proper way to dispose of cigarette butts outdoors provided no appropriate receptacle has been made available?

I cringe when people litter, but I don't feel like I'm committing a crime as long as I ensure that the unused remains of my cigarette land in the gutter (not the sidewalk), and I don't smoke if a gutter is unavailable (for instance, at the beach). The alternative would be to stub out the cigarette and carry it until I reach the next public trash can, and my concern there is the potential for a fire.

The other concern is hosting. When I host parties in my home, most of my guests are smokers, but not all. I always clearly designate (and enforce) a non-smoking room.

Is this enough? For small, informal gatherings with close friends (who are obviously aware that I smoke), for instance, where all guests will be present in the same room, I feel that it is OK to smoke in the room provided there is some source of ventilation and nobody is eating or has voiced a prior objection.

I try to position myself closest in proximity to a window or doorway so I can blow the smoke away from the center of the room, and if there are multiple smokers I make sure a window is open at least a crack, even in winter.

Beyond that, is there anything else I can do? I feel that if I am having a close friend or two over, they can deal with a little cigarette smoke, the same way I'd have to deal with going outside to smoke if I was at their place, and if they did not want to be around smoke, they could politely decline the invitation or let me know that they were uncomfortable around cigarette smoke. I'm talking about people who I've already had over, where I've asked each guest if they minded if I smoked, and they've all responded in the negative -- do I have to keep asking if they mind each time after?

GENTLE READER: No, but you have to pick up the cigarette butts.

Miss Manners hates to make this request, because you seem to be trying hard to be considerate of non-smokers, and because non-smokers do not usually return the favor. That you even invited Miss Manners to admonish you tells her that you have come to expect being browbeaten.

All the same, cigarette butts are unsightly, and should not be left around public spaces.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it acceptable for people who have seen a current movie with a surprise ending to discuss that movie among themselves, including the ending, in a public place within hearing range of others who may or may not have already seen the movie?

GENTLE READER: No, but it is also unacceptable to eavesdrop on other people's conversations. So Miss Manners would call this a draw.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: How does one deal with some married relatives who do not understand that as an educated single woman in my 30s who works a civil service job, I cannot afford a computer, a cell phone or cable TV? I would enjoy having these luxuries, but it is not possible given my financial situation.

The greatest offense to them seems to be my lack of a cell phone. They frequently call my home phone at the last minute to tell me that their son or daughter would like me to attend their sporting event or play, and then, when I don't get the message until later, they say, "What if we had really needed to get a hold of you?" or "When are you going to join the rest of the world and get a cell phone?"

It is all I can do to not go on a tirade about how it is rude to constantly be yakking to friends on cell phones in restaurants (especially when out-of-state family members visiting for a short time are present!) and that if they had more creative hobbies, they wouldn't need to be on their phones 24/7 without reason. Please be assured I am hardly exaggerating.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners knew it would come to this. It happens with every new toy.

Overnight, people switch from declaring its very existence to be rude to declaring it rude not to have one. Same thing happened with the answering machine: At first, everyone was screaming about how rude it was to have a machine answer the telephone, and the next thing Miss Manners knew, they were screaming about the lack of consideration in not letting callers leave a message.

So do not confuse the question of owning a cellular telephone with that of misusing one. The issue is whether you should have one, not whether anyone should. And in this issue, you are the only one who has a say. Others should be told, "I don't find it's worthwhile at this time."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the polite response to the self-deprecating humor of others?

I was filling the coffee maker at my office when an overweight co-worker entered the kitchen and made a joke about the kitchen being too small for a person as fat as she. I did not feel comfortable laughing, nor did it seemed right to respond with a patronizing "You're not fat" to someone who is over 300 pounds.

Then there was the time I was seated on a plane next to a woman who, upon finding out I was in my 20s, made the comment, "That's the one good thing about my having acne -- people think I'm young, too!" I never know a gracious way to respond to comments such as these, but I know Miss Manners is never at a loss for words.

GENTLE READER: She is when she needs to be. It would be equally awkward to affirm or deny the premise of such jokes. Therefore, Miss Manners merely smiles in a pleasant way that could show that the premise merely amuses her.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: If women are not supposed to wear watches after 5 p.m. at social occasions and they are not supposed to wear diamonds before 5 p.m., then why are there watches with diamonds in them?

I realize this sounds like a trick question, but I really am curious about the answer. I have always thought diamond watches were terribly tacky and serve no real place in a wardrobe. It seems that now people are dripping in diamonds at any time of day and I was wondering if there was a rule change some time ago, or if everyone is just ignoring etiquette.

GENTLE READER: Why is it, Miss Manners wonders, that when many people violate a rule, the assumption arises that the rule must have been revoked? If there is a crime wave, do they assume that the law has been changed?

However, she loves your implication that if something is in poor taste, it should not exist. Would that this were so. The rules are sill in effect, but there are people who care more about diamonds than about rules. Can you imagine such a thing?

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