DEAR MISS MANNERS: How does one deal with some married relatives who do not understand that as an educated single woman in my 30s who works a civil service job, I cannot afford a computer, a cell phone or cable TV? I would enjoy having these luxuries, but it is not possible given my financial situation.

The greatest offense to them seems to be my lack of a cell phone. They frequently call my home phone at the last minute to tell me that their son or daughter would like me to attend their sporting event or play, and then, when I don't get the message until later, they say, "What if we had really needed to get a hold of you?" or "When are you going to join the rest of the world and get a cell phone?"

It is all I can do to not go on a tirade about how it is rude to constantly be yakking to friends on cell phones in restaurants (especially when out-of-state family members visiting for a short time are present!) and that if they had more creative hobbies, they wouldn't need to be on their phones 24/7 without reason. Please be assured I am hardly exaggerating.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners knew it would come to this. It happens with every new toy.

Overnight, people switch from declaring its very existence to be rude to declaring it rude not to have one. Same thing happened with the answering machine: At first, everyone was screaming about how rude it was to have a machine answer the telephone, and the next thing Miss Manners knew, they were screaming about the lack of consideration in not letting callers leave a message.

So do not confuse the question of owning a cellular telephone with that of misusing one. The issue is whether you should have one, not whether anyone should. And in this issue, you are the only one who has a say. Others should be told, "I don't find it's worthwhile at this time."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the polite response to the self-deprecating humor of others?

I was filling the coffee maker at my office when an overweight co-worker entered the kitchen and made a joke about the kitchen being too small for a person as fat as she. I did not feel comfortable laughing, nor did it seemed right to respond with a patronizing "You're not fat" to someone who is over 300 pounds.

Then there was the time I was seated on a plane next to a woman who, upon finding out I was in my 20s, made the comment, "That's the one good thing about my having acne -- people think I'm young, too!" I never know a gracious way to respond to comments such as these, but I know Miss Manners is never at a loss for words.

GENTLE READER: She is when she needs to be. It would be equally awkward to affirm or deny the premise of such jokes. Therefore, Miss Manners merely smiles in a pleasant way that could show that the premise merely amuses her.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: If women are not supposed to wear watches after 5 p.m. at social occasions and they are not supposed to wear diamonds before 5 p.m., then why are there watches with diamonds in them?

I realize this sounds like a trick question, but I really am curious about the answer. I have always thought diamond watches were terribly tacky and serve no real place in a wardrobe. It seems that now people are dripping in diamonds at any time of day and I was wondering if there was a rule change some time ago, or if everyone is just ignoring etiquette.

GENTLE READER: Why is it, Miss Manners wonders, that when many people violate a rule, the assumption arises that the rule must have been revoked? If there is a crime wave, do they assume that the law has been changed?

However, she loves your implication that if something is in poor taste, it should not exist. Would that this were so. The rules are sill in effect, but there are people who care more about diamonds than about rules. Can you imagine such a thing?

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: How should one react to a friend not returning music CDs that you lent out to him? My friend used a lame excuse: "I gave the CDs to another (mutual) friend; get them from him." When I went to the mutual friend, he also lent the CDs to another friend, and that one said he returned them to the original friend. The original friend kept saying he is too busy to talk...

This happened a long time ago, but I would like to know what to say in case the same situation comes up again. One of my friends in a similar situation was so ticked off that he beat up the borrower of his CDs really bad.

GENTLE READER: And you thought that Miss Manners might have a better suggestion?

She does. It is to refrain from lending things to irresponsible people. That way the situation will not come up again.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have committed a rather large breach of manners, of this I am certain. My problem is how to make amends without having ample opportunity to do so in person.

An acquaintance and her gay son's partner came by my workplace to say hello. This was my first time meeting the son's partner (I have never met the son). The two of them live out of state and the acquaintance lives in the neighboring town.

After my friend introduced me, I asked them to come meet my co-workers. To my horror, as I was making introductions, I realized I had forgotten the name of her son's partner. What I did then was awful. In my panic, I introduced her and ignored her son's partner. They were both gracious to my co-workers and did not mention my behavior, but now I feel that the poor partner might feel that I did not introduce him because I was uncomfortable with his lifestyle.

Nothing could be further from the truth. I enjoy the company of this woman and feel the potential is (was) there for a lasting friendship.

How do I make this right when odds are that I will not see the son or partner for a very long time and see the mother only rarely and not since this incident? Do you think it's possible to repair damage done so early in a relationship?

GENTLE READER: Must everything have a political interpretation? You met someone for the first time and forgot his name. You are not the first person to whom this has happened, and it is Miss Manners' guess that everyone recognized the situation for what it was.

True, it was not nice to ignore him, and there would have been no shame in admitting it and asking the gentleman or your friend to repeat his name. You can redeem yourself by telling your acquaintance informally -- by e-mail, for example -- how much you enjoyed seeing her and meeting the young gentlemen. If you must, you could add an apology for forgetting his name and being too flustered to ask -- but only if you leave out your suspicions about what they thought. It would only plant a suspicion where one did not exist previously.

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