DEAR MISS MANNERS: If women are not supposed to wear watches after 5 p.m. at social occasions and they are not supposed to wear diamonds before 5 p.m., then why are there watches with diamonds in them?

I realize this sounds like a trick question, but I really am curious about the answer. I have always thought diamond watches were terribly tacky and serve no real place in a wardrobe. It seems that now people are dripping in diamonds at any time of day and I was wondering if there was a rule change some time ago, or if everyone is just ignoring etiquette.

GENTLE READER: Why is it, Miss Manners wonders, that when many people violate a rule, the assumption arises that the rule must have been revoked? If there is a crime wave, do they assume that the law has been changed?

However, she loves your implication that if something is in poor taste, it should not exist. Would that this were so. The rules are sill in effect, but there are people who care more about diamonds than about rules. Can you imagine such a thing?

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: How should one react to a friend not returning music CDs that you lent out to him? My friend used a lame excuse: "I gave the CDs to another (mutual) friend; get them from him." When I went to the mutual friend, he also lent the CDs to another friend, and that one said he returned them to the original friend. The original friend kept saying he is too busy to talk...

This happened a long time ago, but I would like to know what to say in case the same situation comes up again. One of my friends in a similar situation was so ticked off that he beat up the borrower of his CDs really bad.

GENTLE READER: And you thought that Miss Manners might have a better suggestion?

She does. It is to refrain from lending things to irresponsible people. That way the situation will not come up again.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have committed a rather large breach of manners, of this I am certain. My problem is how to make amends without having ample opportunity to do so in person.

An acquaintance and her gay son's partner came by my workplace to say hello. This was my first time meeting the son's partner (I have never met the son). The two of them live out of state and the acquaintance lives in the neighboring town.

After my friend introduced me, I asked them to come meet my co-workers. To my horror, as I was making introductions, I realized I had forgotten the name of her son's partner. What I did then was awful. In my panic, I introduced her and ignored her son's partner. They were both gracious to my co-workers and did not mention my behavior, but now I feel that the poor partner might feel that I did not introduce him because I was uncomfortable with his lifestyle.

Nothing could be further from the truth. I enjoy the company of this woman and feel the potential is (was) there for a lasting friendship.

How do I make this right when odds are that I will not see the son or partner for a very long time and see the mother only rarely and not since this incident? Do you think it's possible to repair damage done so early in a relationship?

GENTLE READER: Must everything have a political interpretation? You met someone for the first time and forgot his name. You are not the first person to whom this has happened, and it is Miss Manners' guess that everyone recognized the situation for what it was.

True, it was not nice to ignore him, and there would have been no shame in admitting it and asking the gentleman or your friend to repeat his name. You can redeem yourself by telling your acquaintance informally -- by e-mail, for example -- how much you enjoyed seeing her and meeting the young gentlemen. If you must, you could add an apology for forgetting his name and being too flustered to ask -- but only if you leave out your suspicions about what they thought. It would only plant a suspicion where one did not exist previously.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: How should one respond when one is being interviewed for a job (where, if this is relevant, one has already decided that under NO circumstances would one accept a job offer), and the interviewer is insufferably rude? Specifically: barking a question and not listening to the answer while continuing to read the resume (obviously for the first time), interrupting in the middle of one's answer to bark another question, clearly having no aim other than finding something with which to ruin one's chances?

May one call attention to the interviewer's rudeness and politely offer to terminate the interview then and there, e.g., "It's clear that you have no interest in me coming to work here and I can assure you the feeling is reciprocated, so why don't we both just get out of here"?

Would one ever be justified in stronger actions, such as saying, "You have the manners of a baboon and I wouldn't work here if the only alternative was debtors' prison"? My field is software development, which has a (well deserved) reputation for attracting persons of low social skills and poor manners, and indeed one suspects that this person might not even be terribly offended by the last remark.

In the actual event, I did neither; rather, the instant I got home, I e-mailed the company's HR person and politely told her that this was not a good fit for me and I was withdrawing my name from consideration.

GENTLE READER: It will come as no surprise to you that Miss Manners does not consider the baboon remark a good idea. Allow her to tell you why.

Telling off anyone who writes evaluation reports for a business is like scorning a loser who has a crush on you in fifth grade. You think you'll never care until that person shows up at reunion, now the most desirable person you ever saw -- but with a long memory.

You say that under no circumstances would you take that job. But you were there to apply for it, so the business is presumably in your field. Businesses change, and there may come a time when you do want to work there, perhaps at a better job. Your interviewer may even have left by then, but whatever he or she has noted about you will still be in the files.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When eating with a cloth napkin I know one is to put it on one's lap. But what does one do with a paper napkin? I have been told it is not proper to put a paper napkin on one's lap. Where, then?

GENTLE READER: In the trash?

No, wait. You were not given a proper napkin, and Miss Manners realizes that you need something besides your sleeve on which to wipe your mouth.

Your informants are mistaken. There are no special rules for the use of paper napkins. They labor under the delusion that they are real napkins and would be puzzled to be treated as if they were not.

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