DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was supposed to meet a friend for an impromptu movie date at 6:30, outside the theater. On the way I got a little lost and managed to show up 15 minutes late, well into the previews I would imagine.

At that point I looked around and the friend was nowhere to be found. I assumed he had gone home. However, I later found out he had waited until around 6:35 and decided to go see the movie without me.

I felt bad, of course, that I had missed our date at the agreed time. But something occurred to me after I made my profuse apologies. If I were waiting for someone to show up for a date, I would give them a little more leeway than 5 minutes.

Should there be any tolerance for lateness in social matters, or is it simply intolerable in any amount? And what is the appropriate response, for both parties?

GENTLE READER: Let us not generalize the question of tolerance for lateness. There is a big difference between being 15 minutes late for a cocktail party and being 15 minutes late for your own wedding. Or anyone else's. Or for a lunch date with someone who has only an hour. Or for a movie that starts at a stated time.

That movies do not actually start at their stated times, but take advantage of audience gullibility to show advertisements followed by preview after preview -- and even etiquette warnings -- is so preposterous that Miss Manners and many others keep forgetting.

Perhaps your friend does, too, or perhaps he likes to see all that, or perhaps he wants to find a seat before the lights go out. None of this strikes Miss Manners as unreasonable, although once he got settled, he might have popped into the lobby for a minute to see if you had arrived. In any case, you should have waited for each other after the movie, exchanged apologies and forgotten it over a pleasant supper.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am having a minor problem with one of my co-workers that I hope you can help me with. When this co-worker sends me an e-mail, he begins by merely typing, "J." While "J" is indeed my first initial, it is not my name.

I realize that many e-mails do not begin with any greeting at all, but those bother me less than this co-worker using my initial (I presume because my full name of 7 letters is too long for him to type). Is there a gentle way I could request that he use my entire name in his e-mail? Since we work together I don't want to offend him, but this really gets on my nerves.

GENTLE READER: Uh-oh. You are condemning the very style that Miss Manners employs in her informal correspondence (and you may be sure that she does not conduct any formal correspondence by e-mail). So you know it cannot be incorrect.

It is, in fact, a form of abbreviation long in use among those in frequent, informal correspondence. Initials may sometimes have been used to disguise identity should letters be intercepted, but they were not used to insult.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Please, can you lend some insight? When is the proper time to say "I love you" to a new love?

When you first know it to be true? When you think it is likely to elicit an "I love you" in return? Is it possible to say the words without it sounding like an attempt to elicit the same from the object of one's affections -- as a sort of romantic FYI?

GENTLE READER: Some insight: You do not want the other person to respond, "Thank you," "I'm very fond of you," "I'm flattered" or "Why don't we catch a movie?" So while Miss Manners does not claim it to be impolite to make a declaration of love to someone you do not believe is ready to reciprocate, she would not advise it.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I met my husband, 25 years ago, we worked together in a restaurant. I went on to college to become highly educated with a master's degree and am presently working on my doctorate. I'm presently an educator, respected by my colleagues, and admired by my family and friends, none of whom have advanced as far as I have or ever will.

My husband (I'll call him D), on the other hand, has the exact same job he did when I met him -- he's a fry cook, a job held almost exclusively by teens, dropouts and ex-cons. D has refused to go back to school or even attempt a professional career, claiming that it's just too late to start over.

D, knowing that he will never be my intellectual equal, has gone to great lengths to try and appear incredibly important by 1) referring to himself as a chef (he isn't), 2) keeping in constant view his beeper, cell phone and fax machine, 3) insisting on buying a new car every few years, 4) passing out his business cards, etc. All the while, he insists, "I must stay in touch with my people 24-7." His constant efforts to show how important he is have made him a laughing stock, and I can no longer take the embarrassment.

Do you or your readers have any suggestions as to how to deal with a husband who I feel is constantly dragging me down? I didn't go to college for 10 years to be on the arm of someone that always reeks of fish and onions.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners suggests that you end the embarrassment by associating only with people at your own level. There are a great many cold-hearted snobs from among whom you can choose, and it will spare your husband, other relatives and friends the embarrassment you must be causing them.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband is a U.S. Marine deployed in Iraq for seven months now. We just got word that he might be returning by the end of this month.

When I shared the good news with some friends and family, there were a few thoughtless people who reacted by saying, "Already?" or "Has it been seven months?" Or they would make comparisons to longer deployments by the Army.

As a wife, seven months of my life praying, waiting, my heart leaping in my throat at another report of casualty, are long enough! How would I retort to these thoughtless comments so that the people would know they have been insensitive without being offensive?

GENTLE READER: Your object, Miss Manners gathers and hopes, is not to hurt these people in retaliation, but to make them recognize their thoughtlessness and retreat from it. In that case, what you need is not a retort but a gentle way of showing the effect of their words.

"I suppose I can't expect anyone to understand," you could say, "because some people don't know what it's like and others have endured worse. But these months have seemed very long to me and hard to bear, and I'll be grateful when they're over."

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