DEAR MISS MANNERS: Please, can you lend some insight? When is the proper time to say "I love you" to a new love?

When you first know it to be true? When you think it is likely to elicit an "I love you" in return? Is it possible to say the words without it sounding like an attempt to elicit the same from the object of one's affections -- as a sort of romantic FYI?

GENTLE READER: Some insight: You do not want the other person to respond, "Thank you," "I'm very fond of you," "I'm flattered" or "Why don't we catch a movie?" So while Miss Manners does not claim it to be impolite to make a declaration of love to someone you do not believe is ready to reciprocate, she would not advise it.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I met my husband, 25 years ago, we worked together in a restaurant. I went on to college to become highly educated with a master's degree and am presently working on my doctorate. I'm presently an educator, respected by my colleagues, and admired by my family and friends, none of whom have advanced as far as I have or ever will.

My husband (I'll call him D), on the other hand, has the exact same job he did when I met him -- he's a fry cook, a job held almost exclusively by teens, dropouts and ex-cons. D has refused to go back to school or even attempt a professional career, claiming that it's just too late to start over.

D, knowing that he will never be my intellectual equal, has gone to great lengths to try and appear incredibly important by 1) referring to himself as a chef (he isn't), 2) keeping in constant view his beeper, cell phone and fax machine, 3) insisting on buying a new car every few years, 4) passing out his business cards, etc. All the while, he insists, "I must stay in touch with my people 24-7." His constant efforts to show how important he is have made him a laughing stock, and I can no longer take the embarrassment.

Do you or your readers have any suggestions as to how to deal with a husband who I feel is constantly dragging me down? I didn't go to college for 10 years to be on the arm of someone that always reeks of fish and onions.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners suggests that you end the embarrassment by associating only with people at your own level. There are a great many cold-hearted snobs from among whom you can choose, and it will spare your husband, other relatives and friends the embarrassment you must be causing them.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband is a U.S. Marine deployed in Iraq for seven months now. We just got word that he might be returning by the end of this month.

When I shared the good news with some friends and family, there were a few thoughtless people who reacted by saying, "Already?" or "Has it been seven months?" Or they would make comparisons to longer deployments by the Army.

As a wife, seven months of my life praying, waiting, my heart leaping in my throat at another report of casualty, are long enough! How would I retort to these thoughtless comments so that the people would know they have been insensitive without being offensive?

GENTLE READER: Your object, Miss Manners gathers and hopes, is not to hurt these people in retaliation, but to make them recognize their thoughtlessness and retreat from it. In that case, what you need is not a retort but a gentle way of showing the effect of their words.

"I suppose I can't expect anyone to understand," you could say, "because some people don't know what it's like and others have endured worse. But these months have seemed very long to me and hard to bear, and I'll be grateful when they're over."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I've been presented a problem in proper address which I would like some assistance with.

A lady friend of mine has borne the child of a sperm donor. The child is recognized by his biological father as his child, and both the birth certificate and the child's christening name is his father's family name. The biological father has waived all paternal rights, though has stated in his will that he wishes the child to be given full acceptance as his child.

The lady in question has on occasion been called Mrs. John Smith or Mrs. Karen Smith, Smith being the father's name as well as the child's, though her name is Karen Jones and she has until recently been a stalwart Miss. There was and will not be any marriage, as the lady is a lesbian and the sperm donor is her 80-year-old stepfather.

I've suggested that it would be correct to use Ms. Karen Jones instead of Miss, and, as there was no marriage, it would be incorrect in any usage, not to mention confusing, to use Mrs. Please advise.

GENTLE READER: You understand, of course, that before Miss Manners makes a definitive ruling here, she has to take into consideration the feelings of untold numbers of people who are in the identical situation.

No, wait. Maybe there aren't so many. Even if everyone can find an 80-year-old sperm donor around the house, his wife might protest against his putting her in the position of having the double responsibilities of being a stepmother and grandmother.

But let us proceed. The surname is the lady's choice; etiquette has no stake in the matter. It is not unusual for a mother to feel that her life will be simpler if she and her child have the same last name, but then again, society is getting used to the fact that many do not. This lady already had a claim on her stepfather's surname if she wished to take it.

In either case, Miss or Ms. would be the conventional honorific, as Mrs. only goes with a husband's full name, which is why its proper use is dying out. Miss Manners doubts that your friend wants to be known as Mrs. Clarence Smith, and her mother may not, either. But honorifics are so sloppily used now, if they are used at all, that while Miss Manners holds on to her own, she does not condemn confused mistakes as ill-intentioned.

Nor should your friend, if the heart of the problem is that others who do not know her history now address her as Mrs.

Not so long ago, it was an insult to assume that a mother was not married; let us not consider it an insult to assume that she is. Or was.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: After reading about who sits at the head of a table, I realized I don't even know which end of the table is the head. My own table is square.

GENTLE READER: Then the head of the table is where you are sitting.

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