DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am moving from a spacious house in a farming town to a tiny apartment in a big city and need to radically purge my possessions. I have been calling friends about items they might want and asking them to reimburse me for shipping with a rough estimate of what that would cost (I am not covering boxes and packing supplies -- just the post office cost).

I also wanted to have a "giveaway" for people in the area, where I would have people over for wine and cheese and have everything in one room that needs a good home and let people take whatever they wish. But a friend thought this was odd, that I should have a box for donations toward moving expenses or something, so people didn't feel awkward.

Is it OK to ask people to cover postage of a not-gift/gift like this? Do I need to put out a box for donations? I really love many of these items, and knowing they are going to a friend where they will give pleasure makes it much easier to part with things.

GENTLE READER: Your friend's idea would spoil your charming one, changing a generous party into something like a yard sale. But Miss Manners is afraid she is going to have to spoil your fun anyway.

She begs you not to give that party. That is because you may end up wishing you were dead. The dead at least do not have to watch people they care about squabbling over their possessions. Families have enough trouble dividing up estates in a civil fashion without your putting a miscellaneous collection of friends to the test.

It would be far better to invite your friends to choose from among the available items, one at a time. It is not unreasonable for them to assume shipping or moving costs for the items they take, which is quite a different thing from their assuming your own moving costs as the price of accepting what you so gracefully want to give. Finding a way to reciprocate your kindness is their problem, not yours.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am in my mid-40s and thinking of getting a facelift. It so happens that most of my friends are either colleagues in their early to mid-30s with children under 5, and friends in their 50s and 60s who are aging au naturel and don't believe in plastic surgery.

Do you have any recommendations on witty lines to deliver post-facelift to people who can't relate to this choice?

GENTLE READER: While you are thinking, have you thought of not telling people that you might be getting a facelift? Or, if you must explain your absence, leaving it vague by saying that you are having some minor surgery that you do not wish to discuss?

Of course not. You want to be in their faces, which you know may result in their insulting you to your face, and so you want Miss Manners to help you insult them back to their (aging) faces.

She can't face it. Should anyone say something unpleasant, she recommends replying, "Well, if I had looked as good as you do, I wouldn't have had to do it."

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If one is in the shower or bathtub when a visitor knocks at the door, is it permissible to don a bath towel to let them in? What if the visitor happens to be a relative?

GENTLE READER: Forgive Miss Manners for asking, but, ah -- were you expecting anyone?

If not, do you really want to open the door to a stranger when you have no clothes on? But if you were expecting someone, why aren't you dressed yet?

The only relatives who would qualify for an exception are those who shout, "Honey, I'm home! Let me in! I forgot my key," or those to whom you plead, "Ma, please, I keep asking you to call and tell me when you're coming."

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I write to my elderly widowed aunt, I address the envelope "Mrs. John Smith" as I was always told that a widow may keep her husband's name and ring as she wishes. My husband insists I am wrong, wrong, wrong. He says I must address the envelope as "Mrs. Mary Smith."

And how's this for a winner? He refers to his secretary, staff members and assistant as "hired help." I say "staff members or "employees." Who is right?

GENTLE READER: You are, but Miss Manners wants to thank your husband all the same. That is because disconnections between the spirit and the practice of etiquette -- outwardly courteous villains, for example, or people who mean well but keep causing offense -- are always cited to claim that etiquette is unimportant.

Your husband is at least consistent. He is as ignorant of the correct forms of address as he is of the obligation, especially on the part of those who have power over others, to show respect.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Last weekend, my friend and her husband showed up at our house for dinner sick. They both had terrible colds, complete with red, bleary eyes, red swollen noses, and they were blowing their noses constantly.

I was appalled that they did not have the courtesy to cancel, to avoid possibly infecting us and our three children. Needless to say, my 2-year old caught the cold, was very sick and is still on the mend. Luckily, my middle child has not gotten sick. He has asthma, and common illnesses such as severe colds can make him extremely sick.

What would have been the proper etiquette in this situation? My initial response was to be polite and not comment on their obvious distress, but to make them as comfortable as possible. But in retrospect, I also have a duty to my children to protect them, particularly from people who don't seem to know any better.

GENTLE READER: Your friends seem to know good, but not better. They knew that it is rude to cancel a dinner engagement without a serious reason, which is good; but they don't seem to know enough to recognize a serious reason when it is right up their noses, which would be better.

Another fine distinction is that while your children's health may be a perfectly good reason for throwing your guests out of the house, it is not a good excuse. A good excuse would be concern for the suffering of your dear friends.

Miss Manners would have suggested dissolving in sympathy for them: "Oh, you poor things, you're really sick! And you were so nice to struggle out of your sick beds and come to us anyway. It's very, very sweet of you, but I won't hear of it. It's too much of a sacrifice, and we'll have a nice dinner together when you're well. In the meantime, I'm going to make you comfortable on the sofa (children, please stay away; they don't feel well) while I pack you a little something to eat when you feel up to it. Let me get you a blanket for your knees, and I'll just be a few minutes. Now I want you to promise me you'll get a good rest, and call me to let me know how you're getting along."

: