DEAR MISS MANNERS: If one is in the shower or bathtub when a visitor knocks at the door, is it permissible to don a bath towel to let them in? What if the visitor happens to be a relative?

GENTLE READER: Forgive Miss Manners for asking, but, ah -- were you expecting anyone?

If not, do you really want to open the door to a stranger when you have no clothes on? But if you were expecting someone, why aren't you dressed yet?

The only relatives who would qualify for an exception are those who shout, "Honey, I'm home! Let me in! I forgot my key," or those to whom you plead, "Ma, please, I keep asking you to call and tell me when you're coming."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I write to my elderly widowed aunt, I address the envelope "Mrs. John Smith" as I was always told that a widow may keep her husband's name and ring as she wishes. My husband insists I am wrong, wrong, wrong. He says I must address the envelope as "Mrs. Mary Smith."

And how's this for a winner? He refers to his secretary, staff members and assistant as "hired help." I say "staff members or "employees." Who is right?

GENTLE READER: You are, but Miss Manners wants to thank your husband all the same. That is because disconnections between the spirit and the practice of etiquette -- outwardly courteous villains, for example, or people who mean well but keep causing offense -- are always cited to claim that etiquette is unimportant.

Your husband is at least consistent. He is as ignorant of the correct forms of address as he is of the obligation, especially on the part of those who have power over others, to show respect.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Last weekend, my friend and her husband showed up at our house for dinner sick. They both had terrible colds, complete with red, bleary eyes, red swollen noses, and they were blowing their noses constantly.

I was appalled that they did not have the courtesy to cancel, to avoid possibly infecting us and our three children. Needless to say, my 2-year old caught the cold, was very sick and is still on the mend. Luckily, my middle child has not gotten sick. He has asthma, and common illnesses such as severe colds can make him extremely sick.

What would have been the proper etiquette in this situation? My initial response was to be polite and not comment on their obvious distress, but to make them as comfortable as possible. But in retrospect, I also have a duty to my children to protect them, particularly from people who don't seem to know any better.

GENTLE READER: Your friends seem to know good, but not better. They knew that it is rude to cancel a dinner engagement without a serious reason, which is good; but they don't seem to know enough to recognize a serious reason when it is right up their noses, which would be better.

Another fine distinction is that while your children's health may be a perfectly good reason for throwing your guests out of the house, it is not a good excuse. A good excuse would be concern for the suffering of your dear friends.

Miss Manners would have suggested dissolving in sympathy for them: "Oh, you poor things, you're really sick! And you were so nice to struggle out of your sick beds and come to us anyway. It's very, very sweet of you, but I won't hear of it. It's too much of a sacrifice, and we'll have a nice dinner together when you're well. In the meantime, I'm going to make you comfortable on the sofa (children, please stay away; they don't feel well) while I pack you a little something to eat when you feel up to it. Let me get you a blanket for your knees, and I'll just be a few minutes. Now I want you to promise me you'll get a good rest, and call me to let me know how you're getting along."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I wondered if you could address this issue with the hope of helping some men enter the 21st century: During a recent course of air travel, I was repeatedly offered unwanted, unsolicited "help" with my carry-on bag.

I am 38. While I understand that some of the men -- those before my generation -- were taught that they must help a "lady" with her bags or be thought impolite, I think that others -- some younger and some older -- use it as an excuse to intrude themselves on an apparently single female traveler. Regardless of their motivation, I would like for them to understand my perspective:

I do not want your help. I would never dream of asking for it. I am not so stupid as to pack a bag that I cannot handle myself.

Though I am small, I am much stronger than you apparently think. I am NOT interested in meeting you or any other strange man in an airport, and if you touch my bag, you'll only annoy me. Who asked you to put your filthy, disease-ridden paws on my bag?

No, I don't feel the need to be polite because you intruded with unwanted and unasked-for "help." And don't ever think of me as a "lady."

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners can reassure you that no one who read your letter would think of you as a lady. She hopes that puts your mind at rest.

And you may even achieve the 21st century for which you hope: a time in which whatever kindness is left is hounded by insult, and the only people who would dream of offering help to another human being are sexual predators.

But why would you ask Miss Manners to assist you in bringing this about? Or address her at all? As you have amply demonstrated, you do not feel the need to be polite.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a girlfriend who insists on answering every question that I ask her with a question. She does this because she believes that I have hidden motives or an agenda.

I get offended because while I may have a personal interest in the answers, I ask the questions because I genuinely care about her well-being.

Isn't it considered rude to answer questions with questions. As a matter of practice, I never do this because I always considered it rude. Am I wrong, should I inquire into the hidden biases of my friends to protect myself?

GENTLE READER: Although she wonders why you do not use question marks after your questions, Miss Manners will refrain from asking. One more person answering you with questions would probably finish you off.

Yet there are reasons for doing so, other than suspicion (of which you suspect your friend) and idle curiosity (of which Miss Manners is guilty). Reversing the inquiry can be a show of reciprocal interest, although perhaps an ill-timed one, and it can be a way of clarifying the subject to be discussed.

Most often, however, it means that the questioner has intruded on the other person's privacy. And yes, a legitimate sense of privacy still exists among those not auditioning for reality TV, and no, being in love does not automatically dissolve it. People have different boundaries and may be sensitive about one area and open about another.

Try opening conversations instead of peppering the lady with questions and see whether she begins to open up at her own pace. Or you could ask her if anything about your questioning is bothering her, and have her reply, "Why -- is something bothering you?"

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