DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper response to a person who asks why I don't download illegal copies of software or music?

The only thing I can think of is "I don't steal," which, while true, sounds awfully blunt. I work at a computer company, and this question comes up rather often.

GENTLE READER: "I don't steal" is harsh because it indicates that your questioners do steal. Obviously they do, but unless you plan to make a citizen's arrest, you will antagonize them to no purpose.

Miss Manners suggests asking (with a wide-eyed look of shock), "But don't you know that's illegal?"

Obviously, they do, but you have given them a chance to slink away. They may prefer to march ahead, saying that doesn't matter. But you will not have accused them of stealing; they will have confessed to it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My mother has informed me that she has always believed that if a person gives you negative advice about something you plan to do ("I saw that, did that, went there, etc., and I didn't like it because...") and you go ahead and do it anyway, you are being rude to that person.

This probably explains why my mother and I have been at odds for 50 years.

I responded that I thought the world was full of people who offered unsolicited advice, much of it contradictory, but that grownups have to make their own decisions and take the responsibility for them. If I considered myself under a social obligation to follow other people's unsolicited negative advice out of fear of offending them, I'd never do anything.

Surely, I said, sensible people do not take it personally when someone goes ahead with plans in spite of unsolicited advice.

But my mother insisted that this was very offensive, and if someone does me the kindness of offering advice, the only polite thing would be for me to follow it. I have never before heard this etiquette rule, and I'd like your opinion on it.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners has a rule forbidding amateurs to make up etiquette rules. Furthermore, she will make the irritating claim that it is for their own good.

Amateurs inevitably fabricate rules that are to their own immediate advantage, never considering that their circumstances are likely to change, and that once a rule became a rule, it could be used against them. You should hear the outraged squeals of people who went around for years claiming that nobody has to answer wedding invitations when they finally issue their own, only to have them ignored.

What your mother also doesn't realize is that for her, circumstances have already changed. Parents can issue rules to the minor children under their jurisdiction without having to conform to the rules themselves. This is known as "Because I'm your mother and I say so." That is not the way to teach etiquette, but it works for curfews, chores and other such rules that cannot be turned back on the ruler.

However, if you have been at odds with your mother for 50 years, Miss Manners is guessing that this situation expired long ago.

You are free now to say, "Is that so? You must obey everyone's advice? So I could advise you to stop advising me, and you'd have to obey?"

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Can you shed some light on an issue that's been the subject of conversation at several weddings that I've attended in the past year? What's the purpose of the tag on the arm of a man's suit sleeve? Should it be removed before the suit is worn, or should it be worn on the suit? Please settle this argument.

GENTLE READER: The tag on the suit sleeve? You mean the one that says "48 S 2 percent wool"? Or the one that says "Tux by Chuck"? Or the one that says "Spiffy Rentals"?

Or perhaps the one that inspires people to say, "You paid too much. I know where you could have gotten this cheaper."

Miss Manners was just curious, because it doesn't really matter. The only things a gentleman properly wears on his sleeve are some superfluous buttons and, in the case of the bridegroom for the duration of the wedding, his heart.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: After decades of being an ungrateful, ill-mannered young woman, I've decided to make a permanent life change into a woman of grace and social skills. I am embarrassed to ask, but if family and friends no longer invite you to dinner parties or send you gifts for your birthday, how does one show the new change toward those she loves most?

I know my parents will still think responding to an RSVP or sending a thank-you is pompous, and my friends might wonder if I have ulterior motives. I am not even sure where to begin. Any advice would be most helpful.

GENTLE READER: If your friends and family disdain the proper responses to invitations and presents, why did they drop you?

Actually, Miss Manners can think of another reason. But she is not yet finished with these. She has trouble believing that they were ever content to go ahead and make dinner without knowing whether or not you planned to show up, and to send you presents without knowing that they succeeded in arriving, let alone pleasing you.

The other reason is that there is no mention of your inviting them or sending them presents. Non-reciprocation is also a dropping offense.

It could work as a start-up mechanism, as well, so that is the place to begin demonstrating your acquisition of grace and social skills. Give them dinners and presents. This may even serve the purpose of demonstrating to you why reactions to these gestures are necessary.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have never had a close relationship with my mother-in-law, but it is generally polite. We regularly get together for family and holiday dinners that my mother-in-law hosts (she insists on this), and I always ask her if she would like me to bring something.

Each time, she will ask me to bring a cake, for example. I make a nice cake, but when I bring it over, she sets it aside, makes disparaging comments about the cake I made, and then proceeds to serve a cake that she made. She will often call us when we are on the way over and tell us not to bother because she has already made a cake, but knowing that I prepared it well before we left.

I am pretty sure this is not a subtle comment on my cooking skills, since people often remark that I am a good cook, and because she does the same thing to my sister-in-law, who has stopped attending these family dinners altogether.

I am hesitant to stop attending these family dinners because they are important to my husband. But I find all this incredibly frustrating! What is a proper response to a situation such as this?

GENTLE READER: Why do you keep asking if you can bring anything? If it is clear to Miss Manners that the lady wants to serve her own food, surely it should be clear to you and to her daughter.

Should your mother-in-law set you up by initiating the request, you should protest that she cooks so much better than you that you and your husband always look forward to her meals. This leaves you free to bring flowers or chocolates to show your goodwill, while excusing you from entering the bake-off contest.

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