DEAR MISS MANNERS: After decades of being an ungrateful, ill-mannered young woman, I've decided to make a permanent life change into a woman of grace and social skills. I am embarrassed to ask, but if family and friends no longer invite you to dinner parties or send you gifts for your birthday, how does one show the new change toward those she loves most?

I know my parents will still think responding to an RSVP or sending a thank-you is pompous, and my friends might wonder if I have ulterior motives. I am not even sure where to begin. Any advice would be most helpful.

GENTLE READER: If your friends and family disdain the proper responses to invitations and presents, why did they drop you?

Actually, Miss Manners can think of another reason. But she is not yet finished with these. She has trouble believing that they were ever content to go ahead and make dinner without knowing whether or not you planned to show up, and to send you presents without knowing that they succeeded in arriving, let alone pleasing you.

The other reason is that there is no mention of your inviting them or sending them presents. Non-reciprocation is also a dropping offense.

It could work as a start-up mechanism, as well, so that is the place to begin demonstrating your acquisition of grace and social skills. Give them dinners and presents. This may even serve the purpose of demonstrating to you why reactions to these gestures are necessary.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have never had a close relationship with my mother-in-law, but it is generally polite. We regularly get together for family and holiday dinners that my mother-in-law hosts (she insists on this), and I always ask her if she would like me to bring something.

Each time, she will ask me to bring a cake, for example. I make a nice cake, but when I bring it over, she sets it aside, makes disparaging comments about the cake I made, and then proceeds to serve a cake that she made. She will often call us when we are on the way over and tell us not to bother because she has already made a cake, but knowing that I prepared it well before we left.

I am pretty sure this is not a subtle comment on my cooking skills, since people often remark that I am a good cook, and because she does the same thing to my sister-in-law, who has stopped attending these family dinners altogether.

I am hesitant to stop attending these family dinners because they are important to my husband. But I find all this incredibly frustrating! What is a proper response to a situation such as this?

GENTLE READER: Why do you keep asking if you can bring anything? If it is clear to Miss Manners that the lady wants to serve her own food, surely it should be clear to you and to her daughter.

Should your mother-in-law set you up by initiating the request, you should protest that she cooks so much better than you that you and your husband always look forward to her meals. This leaves you free to bring flowers or chocolates to show your goodwill, while excusing you from entering the bake-off contest.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work at a college and, as on many campuses, we have here a large number of sweet young virgins who dress like a certain pop star, blissfully unaware that she dresses like an Amsterdam prostitute. Often I am uncomfortable in their presence, especially when we have to work in close quarters.

Recently at a social event, a very nice young lady asked to have her picture taken with me, and she rather fondly put her arm around me, with her hand on my shoulder.

What am I supposed to do with my hands?

Had she been dressed decently, I could have put my arm around her waist or on her shoulder, but there was nothing but bare skin there. About the only spots that were covered were her breasts and her bottom, but, thinking as fast as I could, I concluded that those might be unwelcome locations. The only other alternative that came to mind was to stand stiffly, like a wooden cigar-store Indian in the Old West.

What is a gentleman supposed to do in such a circumstance? No man here would dare to admit to discomfort in the presence of our young ladies in their currently fashionable state of undress -- the consequences would fall upon us.

GENTLE READER: And those are nothing compared to the consequences if you appear to be thrilled, rather than shocked. Your having refrained from touching certain areas, even though they were clothed, tells Miss Manners that you have grasped that.

You assumed the correct pose. Awkwardness can be explained away as being camera shy. The assumption of phony intimacy -- presuming you are not otherwise in the habit of throwing your arms around this young lady -- can be harder to explain.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work for a public official, and a significant part of my job is responding to letters from our constituents. Increasingly, the office receives letters from people with names that could belong either to a man or woman, or said persons write only their first initial.

Is there a title that is not gender specific? Given that these responses are professional in nature, how should I address letter-writers when I cannot tell their gender from the letter?

GENTLE READER: You wouldn't consider handwriting these letters, would you? Or even writing just the salutation by hand?

Because Miss Manners could tell you how to write a lowercase letter that could be either an "s" or an "r," so that following an uppercase "m," it could be interpreted as either "Ms." or "Mr."

Others solve the problem by writing "Dear Voter," or "Dear Fellow Citizen," apparently unaware that this ensures that the letter will not be read, or by using the first name or initial only, apparently unaware how many people this antagonizes.

The remaining solution is to begin with "Dear Mr. or Ms. ... " Using a clumsy phrase is less offensive than guessing wrong about the writer's gender.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the appropriate response to impertinent comments from strangers regarding one's appearance, such as "You look tired" or "Why the long face"?

GENTLE READER: As Miss Manners believes that impertinent strangers should be ignored, she doesn't understand why people keep asking her what to say to them.

Still less does she understand why she keeps thinking of things. In these cases, it would be, "Yes, it's very tiring to hear that," and "Because I don't happen to have a short face."

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