DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work at a college and, as on many campuses, we have here a large number of sweet young virgins who dress like a certain pop star, blissfully unaware that she dresses like an Amsterdam prostitute. Often I am uncomfortable in their presence, especially when we have to work in close quarters.

Recently at a social event, a very nice young lady asked to have her picture taken with me, and she rather fondly put her arm around me, with her hand on my shoulder.

What am I supposed to do with my hands?

Had she been dressed decently, I could have put my arm around her waist or on her shoulder, but there was nothing but bare skin there. About the only spots that were covered were her breasts and her bottom, but, thinking as fast as I could, I concluded that those might be unwelcome locations. The only other alternative that came to mind was to stand stiffly, like a wooden cigar-store Indian in the Old West.

What is a gentleman supposed to do in such a circumstance? No man here would dare to admit to discomfort in the presence of our young ladies in their currently fashionable state of undress -- the consequences would fall upon us.

GENTLE READER: And those are nothing compared to the consequences if you appear to be thrilled, rather than shocked. Your having refrained from touching certain areas, even though they were clothed, tells Miss Manners that you have grasped that.

You assumed the correct pose. Awkwardness can be explained away as being camera shy. The assumption of phony intimacy -- presuming you are not otherwise in the habit of throwing your arms around this young lady -- can be harder to explain.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work for a public official, and a significant part of my job is responding to letters from our constituents. Increasingly, the office receives letters from people with names that could belong either to a man or woman, or said persons write only their first initial.

Is there a title that is not gender specific? Given that these responses are professional in nature, how should I address letter-writers when I cannot tell their gender from the letter?

GENTLE READER: You wouldn't consider handwriting these letters, would you? Or even writing just the salutation by hand?

Because Miss Manners could tell you how to write a lowercase letter that could be either an "s" or an "r," so that following an uppercase "m," it could be interpreted as either "Ms." or "Mr."

Others solve the problem by writing "Dear Voter," or "Dear Fellow Citizen," apparently unaware that this ensures that the letter will not be read, or by using the first name or initial only, apparently unaware how many people this antagonizes.

The remaining solution is to begin with "Dear Mr. or Ms. ... " Using a clumsy phrase is less offensive than guessing wrong about the writer's gender.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the appropriate response to impertinent comments from strangers regarding one's appearance, such as "You look tired" or "Why the long face"?

GENTLE READER: As Miss Manners believes that impertinent strangers should be ignored, she doesn't understand why people keep asking her what to say to them.

Still less does she understand why she keeps thinking of things. In these cases, it would be, "Yes, it's very tiring to hear that," and "Because I don't happen to have a short face."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I do psychic and tarot readings for the public. I consider myself a professional whose duty it is to assist others, rather like a psychologist.

Many times I find myself placed in intolerable situations. I am torn between honesty and kindness. I oftentimes discover that something terrible will be coming into people's lives, such as death, betrayal, loss or divorce.

My customers deserve the very best and I wish I could be totally honest. Is there anything in your vast knowledge and experience that covers the proper etiquette for a psychic reading?

GENTLE READER: Much as she appreciates your desire to count your work among the healing professions, Miss Manners is afraid that you will reject their method for softening bad news. It would probably ruin your business.

A compassionate doctor giving a bad prognosis will emphasize the impossibility of predicting anything with certainty, recommend getting other opinions and then turn to providing what practical assistance he or she can offer. The best way to mitigate the effect of your predictions would be for you to follow that example by stressing the uncertainty of life's outcomes and your own fallibility.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm a bit of a mix when it comes to body types; my entire adult life I have had difficulty finding clothes that fit me properly. So when I find a new store that has pants that don't puddle on the floor or a blouse that doesn't gape open when reaching for the stapler, I rejoice.

However, I have a co-worker who also likes to shop at the same store and has recently become quite abrasive when I show up in something new. Although we have dissimilar tastes, she is positive that we will one day show up to work in the same outfit and the become the laughing stock of the entire office.

I understand even if I don't support her fear, but she has "barred" me from three stores in the past. To top that off she has told me I am forbidden from wearing my hair a certain way because she "always" wears her hair in that style.

I have yet to find a polite way to tell her to stop being paranoid or that I don't lie awake at night devising ways a twin-set sweater can be used to sabotage her career.

I have worked with this woman for several years and over said time we have developed a wonderful working relationship. I would hate to have this turn into an office drama, but I want to be able to get dressed in the morning without fear of reprisal. I'm at a loss and so I turn to you for help; how can I tell her to stop?

GENTLE READER: If you will tell Miss Manners how you allowed things to get this far. Did you actually agree to curb your shopping and your grooming to placate this lady? Have you bought into the ludicrous idea that your turning up wearing the same mass-produced item of clothing would be a rich source of entertainment for your co-workers?

What you should have said is that such things are personal and not open for discussion. It is high time to say this and to demonstrate that you mean it by refusing to argue about it.

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