DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been unfortunate in that my mother had never taught me how to sit "like a lady." I've been told that it involves crossing one's ankles and placing one's feet flatly on the floor. Whenever I attempt this, my foot ends up on its side, giving me much pain after sitting for a long period. Am I attempting this correctly?

GENTLE READER: Not exactly. Etiquette may occasionally pull someone's leg in a playful mood, but it never twists an ankle.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the appropriate response when someone comments to us about how attractive they find our shelter dog?

We live in a small, narrow home, and wanted to adopt a small dog without too much energy to burn. On our first visit to the shelter, I noticed and fell in love at first sight with a puppy whose heritage was uncertain. Her littermates all appeared to be black Labradors or something similar -- all larger than we wanted -- but she bore a remarkable resemblance to the most adorable variety of Australian sheep or cattle herders (also larger, but she was too adorable to resist).

It was early in the day on the first day she was made available for the public to see. We all fell in love with her, based superficially on her color patterns. We immediately decided to begin the adoption process.

Since then, we run into many people at the local dog park who remember her from the shelter, and who comment on how beautiful she is. Other dog owners who never saw her at the shelter compliment us on how attractive she is.

My thought is to tell them that I agree with them, and say that we were lucky to have found her before someone else did, and that we fell in love with her at first sight. My wife's thought is to say "thank you," which strikes me as taking credit for something we were lucky to have discovered.

How should we respond to these compliments on something for which we feel merely fortunate to have found before anyone else did?

GENTLE READER: It is sweet that you are so besotted, but nobody in the world thinks that you are responsible for the good looks of your dog, and nobody thinks you think you are. Miss Manners wants to put your mind to rest about that.

Saying "thank you" for a compliment to you or yours merely acknowledges mild gratitude in response to a kindly meant statement. You are welcome to follow this with a word or two about how lucky you are. It is only when you seem to reject credit that you raise the peculiar question of why you think you must do so.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I attend a state college and often use their computers labs. I cannot help but notice that many of the students keep the sound on their computers on. This is especially a distraction and annoyance when a "bling" effect happens every time they send or receive a message.

I do not know what possesses the school to purchase computers with speakers in the first place, but would I be wrong to ask these computer users to turn the sound on their machine off?

GENTLE READER: Not if you do it politely with a whispered, "I'm sorry, but would you mind...?"

Miss Manners doubts that you will meet any resistance. It is not as though the blings are part of the entertainment. Probably it is just one of those things that didn't occur to anyone -- the purchasers of the computers, the supervisors of the labs or the users. You could therefore save yourself trouble by mentioning it to someone in authority and asking for a general rule, rather than having to go around to individual users.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am living just now in a large city in China. I am not asking about local Chinese etiquette, but rather travelers' etiquette.

Although the city I am in numbers millions, I find I see other non-Chinese people out and about only twice a month or so. When I do, I used to smiled a little and nod in passing. This seemed to serve at first, however I have now had several encounters that cause me to turn to you for assistance.

Please understand that I am enjoying my stay here, and the nod and smile are just meant to say, "Hello. Isn't this fun?" with some confidence that my manner was not offensive or forward.

The last person I nodded to really glared at me, and turned to stare at me as I went by. I behaved as if I had not noticed, and moved on. Her reaction made me think, however. I realize that seeing someone in a public place in China does not constitute an introduction; however, it felt as if some small acknowledgement of the other person was permissible.

Have I offended? Should I stop this practice?

GENTLE READER: In a word, yes.

Miss Manners knows that you mean well. This gesture among strangers can be charming when the shared circumstance that prompts it is cause for either pride or sympathy. Hikers on trails nod hello to one another, for example, and owners of the same kind of sports car often wave. Parents traveling on airplanes with small children may throw one another glances of sympathy, or the people sitting near them may do so among themselves.

But it is unquestionably a we-they gesture, and therefore not so charming when the shared characteristic is race. You will protest that you mean it as acknowledging that you are both foreigners. But you used race to decide that, and you could be wrong. There are Caucasians who live in China.

Besides, tourists are notoriously insulted as being recognized as tourists. Their huffiness may mean no more than that, but it is good enough reason to stop.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am the care provider for three elderly relatives, with whom I reside. They are bedridden or in wheelchairs.

Other relatives only visited two or three times a year, but I was OK with that until folks began visiting unannounced. Because the care-giving is very labor-intensive, sometimes the house was not clean or hair was not groomed or clothing was not completely buttoned. So I asked that nobody come without calling, so I could tidy up.

Now the relatives are saying they won't come at all, since I am requiring an "appointment." They are insulted and angry. Am I out of bounds to ask for the advance notice?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners finds herself insulted and angry on your behalf. Their implication in suspending the normal etiquette rules for visiting appears to be the notion that you have nothing better to do anyway, and should be grateful to see them at all.

Should they resume dropping in, you might consider welcoming them and then asking them to keep an eye on everyone while you go out for a short time.

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