DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am living just now in a large city in China. I am not asking about local Chinese etiquette, but rather travelers' etiquette.

Although the city I am in numbers millions, I find I see other non-Chinese people out and about only twice a month or so. When I do, I used to smiled a little and nod in passing. This seemed to serve at first, however I have now had several encounters that cause me to turn to you for assistance.

Please understand that I am enjoying my stay here, and the nod and smile are just meant to say, "Hello. Isn't this fun?" with some confidence that my manner was not offensive or forward.

The last person I nodded to really glared at me, and turned to stare at me as I went by. I behaved as if I had not noticed, and moved on. Her reaction made me think, however. I realize that seeing someone in a public place in China does not constitute an introduction; however, it felt as if some small acknowledgement of the other person was permissible.

Have I offended? Should I stop this practice?

GENTLE READER: In a word, yes.

Miss Manners knows that you mean well. This gesture among strangers can be charming when the shared circumstance that prompts it is cause for either pride or sympathy. Hikers on trails nod hello to one another, for example, and owners of the same kind of sports car often wave. Parents traveling on airplanes with small children may throw one another glances of sympathy, or the people sitting near them may do so among themselves.

But it is unquestionably a we-they gesture, and therefore not so charming when the shared characteristic is race. You will protest that you mean it as acknowledging that you are both foreigners. But you used race to decide that, and you could be wrong. There are Caucasians who live in China.

Besides, tourists are notoriously insulted as being recognized as tourists. Their huffiness may mean no more than that, but it is good enough reason to stop.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am the care provider for three elderly relatives, with whom I reside. They are bedridden or in wheelchairs.

Other relatives only visited two or three times a year, but I was OK with that until folks began visiting unannounced. Because the care-giving is very labor-intensive, sometimes the house was not clean or hair was not groomed or clothing was not completely buttoned. So I asked that nobody come without calling, so I could tidy up.

Now the relatives are saying they won't come at all, since I am requiring an "appointment." They are insulted and angry. Am I out of bounds to ask for the advance notice?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners finds herself insulted and angry on your behalf. Their implication in suspending the normal etiquette rules for visiting appears to be the notion that you have nothing better to do anyway, and should be grateful to see them at all.

Should they resume dropping in, you might consider welcoming them and then asking them to keep an eye on everyone while you go out for a short time.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been a college professor for 19 years. In that time I've had many wonderful students. On occasion I'll run into some alumni, either in town or at a college function. My problem is that while I may remember their face, or even more details about them, I can't always remember their name.

What is the polite way to deal with this? When faced with these situations I use a generic "Hi there, good to see you" greeting. But I'm afraid they realize I can't recall their name.

GENTLE READER: Allow Miss Manners to congratulate you for teaching at a college where the classes are small enough to allow the professors to learn their current students' names. And for being in a profession where the inability to master the mechanics of life is considered charming. Should you feel that the student senses your inability to use his name, you need only ask for it by confessing, "You remember how absent-minded I am."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: How quickly should one respond to personal e-mail? Because this form of communication is virtually instantaneous, I'd like to think that the recipient would want to dash off a reply as quickly as possible, adhering to an update of the old rule that a response should go out in the next post.

However, I'm disappointed to find that isn't the case. What are your thoughts on this matter of netiquette?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners wishes that people would let go of the belief that they should be able to command others' immediate attention for the ordinary business of life. Now that everyone has answering machines as protection from immediate intrusion, the demand is immediate availability by e-mail.

What if they have other things to do? What if they are having computer trouble? What if they are not in a mood to chat with you?

It is true that some forms of social communication should be answered immediately: responses to invitations, thanks for presents and favors, cries for help. Less urgent things can wait for the convenience of the recipient.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Jenna, a friend of my wife's and mine, recently moved and in the process lost some photos including several of Jason. My wife and I had informally introduced them some 16 years ago, and the two had an on-again-off-again romantic relationship that ended amicably (at Jenna's request) 10 years ago with no more contact since.

Jason is now married. Jenna has requested of us a photograph of Jason taken 10 to 15 years ago. She indicated that while she holds fond memories of their time together, she has no further interest in him -- she simply wants the photo as a memento.

My wife has no problem complying with her request. I, on the other hand, am not sure if this is proper, as Jason is now a married man. Jenna suggested I may be gender- and or marital status-biased, in that if Jason made the same request I might more readily comply.

Do we give Jenna a couple of old photos of Jason? Should we obtain Jason's permission first? (He lives several hundred miles away now, and we see and speak with him infrequently.) Is there a universal rule here irrespective of gender or marital status?

GENTLE READER: It is not clear to Miss Manners what you suspect that Jenna will do, or be inspired to do, if she has Jason's photograph, which she has had all these years without making a scandal.

It doesn't seem much clearer to Jenna, either, as Jason's being married, not his gender, is what seems to make the difference to you. But we both know that you suspect her of wrongdoing, and neither of us knows why. Keeping photographs of people from one's past seems perfectly harmless.

You do not need an excuse to refuse to give up your pictures, although refusing to allow them to be copied seems unnecessarily churlish. But there is no excuse for doing so by insulting the motives of your friend.

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