DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there a polite way to respond to comments such as, "You're so pretty. I hate you"? This type of comment seems to have become a distressingly common way to "compliment" another woman, but I find it exceedingly uncomfortable to be on the receiving end of such a statement. I understand that it is rude to lecture someone on their rudeness, and so I would appreciate your help on this matter.

GENTLE READER: The polite way to ruin an unpleasant pleasantry is to take it literally. Assuming an expression of shock and dismay, you could reply, "My looks offend you? That's terrible. I don't mean to offend you. Really, I don't. I had no idea..." and so on.

Miss Manners assures you that after awhile, the actual offender will protest sourly, "I meant it as a compliment." At that point, you can look confused and say, "Oh. Well, in that case, thank you." You might even be able to get to that sooner by answering the initial remark with, "You're so kind."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I had been unaware that the practice of "save the date" cards for weddings existed, but in recent years have begun receiving such cards six to seven months in advance of a wedding. The cards have come with refrigerator magnets printed with the wedding date.

My daughter and I disagree about the custom. She finds it charming and helpful in planning her rather busy social schedule. I think the traditional notice time given for wedding invitations should be sufficient.

I am also concerned that the practice removes a convenient excuse for not attending a wedding one does not wish to attend -- a conflict in schedule -- causing hurt to a bride whose wedding could otherwise be diplomatically avoided.

Most recently we received a "save the date" card from a close relative seven months in advance of a fifth wedding. Having attended all of the prior weddings at great cost in both time and expense, we planned to avoid this wedding claiming a conflict in schedule. Now we suppose we will have to lie and claim a last-minute emergency in order to avoid the wedding without hurting the family member's feelings.

Are these "save the date" cards a new courtesy, or another example of Bridezilla syndrome?

GENTLE READER: A courtesy, if properly given and taken. Miss Manners keeps making the point that a save-the-date notice is merely an advance warning that carries none of the obligations of an actual invitation. When that is received, at the proper time, it may be declined with regret without offering an excuse.

However, your point is well taken -- a close relative might well be in a position to introduce into conversation the question of your inability to attend. So you should probably line something up real that you can offer should that come to pass. It need only be contracted before the actual invitation, and you have had advance warning about that.

You will, of course, plead muddle-headedness and express regret. Something along the lines of, "But you know I always love going to your weddings."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: A co-worker has recently adopted a dog and has sent out e-mail invitations to a "puppy shower." She will be "hosting" this shower at our workplace during lunchtime and has asked that everyone bring a dish.

Her e-mail invitation also included a long list of items that the puppy needs, and the following sentence: "If you can't attend but would like to give a gift let me know."

A second e-mail asked me to let her know if I'm going to "donate a gift" so she can "avoid duplicating items."

I am completely at a loss as to how one responds to something like this. My mother would tell me to send a simple "Sorry I can't attend" response, but I fear this person will hunt me down on the day of the event to make certain that I'm truly not available. If it weren't for the fact that it will be held on a day that I simply must be at work, I'd call in sick.

GENTLE READER: Some people teach their pets not to beg and others teach them to beg. Miss Manners gathers that your colleague made a deal with her dog that she would do the begging for both of them.

Your mother is quite right about simply declining outrageous invitations without making a fuss, although summoning people to bring their own refreshments and demanding a present can hardly be considered an invitation. Should you be hunted down -- Miss Manners trusts your colleague will not use a hunting dog for the purpose -- you could go out to lunch or work through it. Surely having work to do is an excuse for not goofing off at the office.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a good friend who is much wiser and smarter than I. We are both middle-aged moms with grown children, so we tend to give each other advice and to get on each other's nerves -- just like we do to our kids!

I may be considered to be better off -- with an intact marriage, a paid-up home, money for retirement and a completed advanced degree. She lives in genteel poverty -- beloved by all, having dropped out of three Ph.D. programs in the last 10 years.

Anyway, I choose to spend my Sunday afternoons in the kitchen cooking gourmet vegetarian meals for my devoted husband and grown-up kids. She has taken to trying to get me to stop doing this! I am besieged with quick-and-easy recipes, shortcuts, and tut-tuts for spending time doing traditional womanly things while I am going back to grad school in a field I love.

Should I get her to stop it, or just put up with it? I was soundly put in my place when I tried to give her advice on getting her financial life together awhile back. What is your advice on giving and taking advice from friends?

GENTLE READER: That one should give it sparingly and take it freely. This is made bearable by Miss Manners' conviction that taking advice and following it are two different things.

That your friend reverses this to believe in giving but not taking, and giving again when not obeyed, makes Miss Manners question her wisdom. Apparently the lady needs to be told that while you consider her smart and wise, you are never going to give up your Sunday afternoon pleasure, so it is no longer open to discussion.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our friends and I seem split as to whether you should tip the owner of an establishment. Fifty percent of us feel it is all right to leave the owner a tip if they are working, and obviously visa versa for the other 50 percent. Does it make a difference whether it is a bar or an eating establishment? What if it is a combination of both?

GENTLE READER: Professional opinions on this issue are also split 50-50.

Miss Manners, along with the rest of the Etiquette Mavens' Council, believes that it is beneath the dignity of the owners of establishments to accept tips. The owners of establishments are quick to deny that their sense of dignity is so high that there is not plenty of room for money to be slapped on top of it.

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