DEAR MISS MANNERS: I had braces put on my teeth, and my fiance's sister-in-law finds it rude that after we eat dinner with my future in-laws at a picnic or restaurant, I excuse myself without saying where I am going so I can brush my teeth and clean the remnants of food from between my braces and wires.

I do not begin picking food from my teeth at the dinner table. My future in-laws know what I am doing and they have not said anything. I have a toothbrush at their house so I can brush after dinner, and I also carry one in my purse so I can brush in the restaurants' restrooms after I eat. Am I being rude by brushing my teeth after dinner?

GENTLE READER: Does your future sister-in-law never use the bathroom, and do the rest of you get to vote on whether you approve of whatever she does there?

As you know, picking your teeth at the table would be rude, as would discussing your hygienic intentions. But if excusing yourself after dinner to go to the bathroom were rude, the polite world could quickly turn unbearable.

Miss Manners assures you that what you do in the bathroom after you excuse yourself from the table can be deemed neither polite nor rude, as it does not affect other people. Unfortunately she cannot say the same about the other lady's behavior toward you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My boyfriend of two years has been in Iraq for nearly a year. He will be returning to the States for a 14-day rest-and-relaxation visit.

Since he has been away, his mother has been battling cancer and has had a bone marrow transplant, but seems to be doing well. I know she really misses her son and seeing him will really help her.

He will be flying into their home state to visit with them and I have been invited to stay for seven days. I'm not entirely sure the mother wants me there and I don't want to impose on her time with her son, but I would really like to spend some time with him, too. I feel as though I have a right and a need to be there, but I also wonder if I'm being selfish.

GENTLE READER: Declining to go and being selfish are not your only choices. You could go there and be unselfish.

If you care about this gentleman, surely you care about his troubles and do not want to add to them. But in small ways you might be able to help him with them.

Of course his ill mother should have private time with him. You can make this easier by volunteering to relieve him of any chores or errands that he might otherwise do. You can also be cheerful about suggesting that you visit for fewer days, or that you schedule your own private time with him when his mother is resting or otherwise occupied.

Miss Manners does not see you and his mother as having opposing claims on him, and apparently neither does your beau. His inviting you at this time indicates that it would be a comfort to him, as well as a pleasure, to have you there, and even perhaps that his mother, feeling her mortality, wants to get to know you.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: As the recipient of an emergency surgery that involved certain reproductive issues, I have been trying not to be too forthcoming with particulars. I consider them private and somewhat embarrassing.

However, I discovered my significant other revealing every gory detail to a woman whom he had dated in the past -- someone I do not consider to be my friend, and definitely someone that I would rather not know any more than, "There was an operation, and everything is going to be fine. The details are personal."

Now that the damage is done, I am unsure as to how to discuss this with my significant other, because he is touchy about the fact that I don't want this woman involved in our private matters.

GENTLE READER: Not to mention your private parts.

Which is the point you are trying to make, Miss Manners surmises. It is not that you want to keep secrets from one particular person, but that you want your medical history -- which is your private matter, not yours-and-his -- to be protected from being made a topic of conversation.

This ought to be obvious, but it no longer is. There are some mighty peculiar ideas floating around nowadays about privacy, topped by the bizarre notion that it is emotionally unhealthy to have any. There are people who would seize on your citing embarrassment to lecture you that since illness is not shameful, you ought to be content, if not delighted, with the, ah, exposure.

Your misguided beau may simply not have known that there is such a classification as private information to which he is privy only because of the closeness of your relationship. It is time to tell him.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I received a "save the date" card today for a wedding for a cousin. Unfortunately, we were already asked to "save the date" for the same date! That wedding is for a close friend.

Our question is whether we go to the wedding we were notified about first or if we should attend the latter invite, since it is family.

GENTLE READER: Pre-inviting guests by asking them to save the date is a relatively new custom, not unrelated, Miss Manners suspects, to bargain airfares. And it happens that the rules concerning them are similar to airline rules, although we certainly hope the food will be better.

A "save the date" card is merely a notice, rather like making a reservation for you, with no penalty for changing reservations before making a final commitment. No response is required, but when the actual invitation arrives, you must immediately accept or decline it, and then an acceptance is binding.

You seem to have left yourselves free to choose, in which case, yes, family does generally take precedence over friends.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is a polite means by which to refuse a request of giving out one's telephone number to a classmate who is extremely sensitive to rejection?

GENTLE READER: By saying, "Oh, it's easier to reach me by e-mail." Miss Manners realizes that you will hear from the classmate just as fast by that means. But you will lessen the risk of accepting invitations on the spot, and give yourself the opportunity of writing minimal responses to discourage ongoing correspondence. Who says technology need be a detriment to manners?

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: When two couples finish a meal at restaurant, who instigates departure? Is it the host couple or either one?

GENTLE READER: Whoever can say "Well..." more meaningfully and forcefully, so as to get everyone's attention and announce a change of subject.

When the food is gone and the check has been paid, the guests are supposed to say, "Well, this has been lovely. You were so kind to have us." This allows the hosts to reply, "Well, it was wonderful to see you." But if the guests haven't gotten around to it and the staff is vacuuming under the tables, Miss Manners allows the hosts to pronounce their "Well..." statement first.

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