DEAR MISS MANNERS: As the recipient of an emergency surgery that involved certain reproductive issues, I have been trying not to be too forthcoming with particulars. I consider them private and somewhat embarrassing.

However, I discovered my significant other revealing every gory detail to a woman whom he had dated in the past -- someone I do not consider to be my friend, and definitely someone that I would rather not know any more than, "There was an operation, and everything is going to be fine. The details are personal."

Now that the damage is done, I am unsure as to how to discuss this with my significant other, because he is touchy about the fact that I don't want this woman involved in our private matters.

GENTLE READER: Not to mention your private parts.

Which is the point you are trying to make, Miss Manners surmises. It is not that you want to keep secrets from one particular person, but that you want your medical history -- which is your private matter, not yours-and-his -- to be protected from being made a topic of conversation.

This ought to be obvious, but it no longer is. There are some mighty peculiar ideas floating around nowadays about privacy, topped by the bizarre notion that it is emotionally unhealthy to have any. There are people who would seize on your citing embarrassment to lecture you that since illness is not shameful, you ought to be content, if not delighted, with the, ah, exposure.

Your misguided beau may simply not have known that there is such a classification as private information to which he is privy only because of the closeness of your relationship. It is time to tell him.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I received a "save the date" card today for a wedding for a cousin. Unfortunately, we were already asked to "save the date" for the same date! That wedding is for a close friend.

Our question is whether we go to the wedding we were notified about first or if we should attend the latter invite, since it is family.

GENTLE READER: Pre-inviting guests by asking them to save the date is a relatively new custom, not unrelated, Miss Manners suspects, to bargain airfares. And it happens that the rules concerning them are similar to airline rules, although we certainly hope the food will be better.

A "save the date" card is merely a notice, rather like making a reservation for you, with no penalty for changing reservations before making a final commitment. No response is required, but when the actual invitation arrives, you must immediately accept or decline it, and then an acceptance is binding.

You seem to have left yourselves free to choose, in which case, yes, family does generally take precedence over friends.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is a polite means by which to refuse a request of giving out one's telephone number to a classmate who is extremely sensitive to rejection?

GENTLE READER: By saying, "Oh, it's easier to reach me by e-mail." Miss Manners realizes that you will hear from the classmate just as fast by that means. But you will lessen the risk of accepting invitations on the spot, and give yourself the opportunity of writing minimal responses to discourage ongoing correspondence. Who says technology need be a detriment to manners?

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: When two couples finish a meal at restaurant, who instigates departure? Is it the host couple or either one?

GENTLE READER: Whoever can say "Well..." more meaningfully and forcefully, so as to get everyone's attention and announce a change of subject.

When the food is gone and the check has been paid, the guests are supposed to say, "Well, this has been lovely. You were so kind to have us." This allows the hosts to reply, "Well, it was wonderful to see you." But if the guests haven't gotten around to it and the staff is vacuuming under the tables, Miss Manners allows the hosts to pronounce their "Well..." statement first.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband is a manager at a university where he has no control over his employees. He can't fire them, and because of budget cuts the past four years, he can't give them raises, either.

Tom, one of his 12 employees, wants my husband's job, and constantly says false things about him to other co-workers, complains and tells lies about him to upper management, and makes fun of him when he's not around.

I dread office parties, where Tom's poisonous presence ruins the event for me because I am so angry with him.

Would it be allowable to say one of the following?

"Tom, have you ever considered bungee jumping with the cord tied around your neck?"

"Tom, you've got green Machiavellian slime dripping all over your chin."

If not, what would Miss Manners suggest?

GENTLE READER: Not making a new enemy of your university's Machiavelli scholar.

Nor giving the old enemy the opportunity of telling everyone that the manager has a rude wife. As this would be true if you were to make the remarks you propose, it would lend verisimilitude to the other things he is saying.

Frustrating as it is to rise above such insults, Miss Manners assures you that it is more effective than sinking to meet them. You should take comfort in the fact that spiteful people can be counted on to make themselves disliked without outside help.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My beau and I are older (over 50), and while we are fully committed to each other and our relationship, we don't currently have plans to wed. You should know that I do wear a ring as a symbol of our commitment. Herein lies my problem.

What does one call her beau when introducing him in this situation (and in turn, how should my beloved introduce me)? Most young people have no idea what the word "beau" means, and while it looks good on paper, it does sound funny. Also, I do not want to refer to him as my boyfriend, as that sounds very juvenile for a woman of over 50 to say. "Fiance" also sounds funny when there is no definite plan to wed.

GENTLE READER: Well, "partner" sounds funny to Miss Manners when used in regard to a social relationship that is closer and longer than a tennis game. Love is seldom a conspicuous feature of partnerships in business or crime.

Nevertheless, "partner" is the word that society has settled on, for better or for worse (and perhaps Miss Manners should cut that last phrase). At least it has quashed such overly vivid, cute and unpronounceable runners-up as "lover," "significant other" and "POSSLQ" (government-speak for People of Opposite Sex Sharing Living Quarters).

"Beau" is such a lovely word, but as a respectable lady could entertain many beaux, at least until her father blinked the porch lights as a signal that they should go home, Miss Manners supposes it won't do. For years, she solicited help in finding something better, collecting suggestions ranging from the clever to the embarrassing, but The People have spoken, and they want partnerships.

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