DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband is a manager at a university where he has no control over his employees. He can't fire them, and because of budget cuts the past four years, he can't give them raises, either.

Tom, one of his 12 employees, wants my husband's job, and constantly says false things about him to other co-workers, complains and tells lies about him to upper management, and makes fun of him when he's not around.

I dread office parties, where Tom's poisonous presence ruins the event for me because I am so angry with him.

Would it be allowable to say one of the following?

"Tom, have you ever considered bungee jumping with the cord tied around your neck?"

"Tom, you've got green Machiavellian slime dripping all over your chin."

If not, what would Miss Manners suggest?

GENTLE READER: Not making a new enemy of your university's Machiavelli scholar.

Nor giving the old enemy the opportunity of telling everyone that the manager has a rude wife. As this would be true if you were to make the remarks you propose, it would lend verisimilitude to the other things he is saying.

Frustrating as it is to rise above such insults, Miss Manners assures you that it is more effective than sinking to meet them. You should take comfort in the fact that spiteful people can be counted on to make themselves disliked without outside help.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My beau and I are older (over 50), and while we are fully committed to each other and our relationship, we don't currently have plans to wed. You should know that I do wear a ring as a symbol of our commitment. Herein lies my problem.

What does one call her beau when introducing him in this situation (and in turn, how should my beloved introduce me)? Most young people have no idea what the word "beau" means, and while it looks good on paper, it does sound funny. Also, I do not want to refer to him as my boyfriend, as that sounds very juvenile for a woman of over 50 to say. "Fiance" also sounds funny when there is no definite plan to wed.

GENTLE READER: Well, "partner" sounds funny to Miss Manners when used in regard to a social relationship that is closer and longer than a tennis game. Love is seldom a conspicuous feature of partnerships in business or crime.

Nevertheless, "partner" is the word that society has settled on, for better or for worse (and perhaps Miss Manners should cut that last phrase). At least it has quashed such overly vivid, cute and unpronounceable runners-up as "lover," "significant other" and "POSSLQ" (government-speak for People of Opposite Sex Sharing Living Quarters).

"Beau" is such a lovely word, but as a respectable lady could entertain many beaux, at least until her father blinked the porch lights as a signal that they should go home, Miss Manners supposes it won't do. For years, she solicited help in finding something better, collecting suggestions ranging from the clever to the embarrassing, but The People have spoken, and they want partnerships.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a friend who sells many of her unused items via a popular online auction site, and I have discovered that she frequently auctions off birthday and Christmas gifts I have given her. Although I am disappointed that she didn't like my gift, I understand that it was indeed a gift to do with as she pleases.

Occasionally, though, I will offer her unused or unneeded items when I am cleaning out closets, the kitchen, etc. For example, I'll say, "Do you happen to need a bread machine? We never use this." She always accepts the item willingly like she wants or needs it. Then she sells it in an online auction!

Should I just shut my mouth because this was a gift for her to do with as she pleases? Or is she taking advantage of my generosity?

GENTLE READER: Yes it was, and sure she is.

As you suspect, you are being too generous -- and not just with your goods and your trust. You have too generous an idea of the amount of leeway that etiquette allows the recipient of a present.

That the giver loses control once the present is given is perfectly true, so remarks such as "Where's the monkey statue I gave you?" and "You're not wearing that nose stud I gave you!" are out of line. But that does not mean that the person who gets a present is free of all restrictions.

The proper expression of gratitude involves not only declaring it on paper, but shielding the giver from finding out how ungrateful one really is for this particular present. So asking the giver to exchange a present and putting it out at a yard sale in the giver's neighborhood are also forbidden.

We could give your friend the benefit of the doubt and suppose that she never imagined you would find her presents on auction. But there is no excusing her taking conditional presents without meeting the condition. You didn't wrap up the bread machine and give it to her for her anniversary, you asked whether she needed it. If she didn't need it, she was not supposed to take it. Miss Manners refuses to allow the interpretation that yes, she needed it, but not for making the kind of bread for which it was intended.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been married for many years to a most accomplished and attractive lady. After raising a substantial family, she has become a professional in her chosen field.

Over the years, we often have socialized with her fellows, many of whom seem as impressed with her as I am. On a number of occasions, some have approached me with remarks such as "Do you know how lucky you are?" or "I guess you know how lucky you are."

I find this patronizing and irritating. My response now is to reply, mildly, "Yes, and I think she's lucky, too."

Those who even listen tend to retire in a somewhat flustered manner, which, admittedly, I take secret delight in. Have I violated basic etiquette and must I simply (as I used to do) accept the remark graciously? Oh, I hope not.

GENTLE READER: But Miss Manners is afraid so. Your refusing to take pride in compliments about your wife is not just ungracious; it belies your intention. A lady whose husband appears to resent her being successful and admired cannot be said to be lucky.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What does it mean to "grow old gracefully"?

GENTLE READER: It means being pleased and charming when offered a seat while others are standing or the chance to go through a door first, and when addressed by younger people by honorific and surname or as "ma'am" or "sir."

Miss Manners can think of no surer sign of growing old awkwardly than the habit of countering courtesies with the complaint, "That makes me feel old."

: