DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was standing in the checkout line at a convenience store when I heard a male voice behind me say, "I'm the fashion police and those pants don't flatter you."

I turned around to find a somewhat disheveled-looking man who didn't look like a fashion plate himself. I tried to make light of the situation, but he wouldn't give up.

When I said I was in a hurry that morning and settled on the slacks since they didn't require ironing, he told me to get up earlier tomorrow so I could iron. Then, as I left the store, he yelled, "Throw those pants in the dumpster!"

I'll admit that my slacks are a bit loose as I've lost weight recently. However, it doesn't seem to me that it's any of his business and I'm irritated by the thought that he was staring at my backside and found a need to voice his displeasure. What would have been the appropriate response to discourage further comments?

GENTLE READER: How about "I'm calling the etiquette police"?

No, not really. Miss Manners is afraid that it would be as rude to go around vilifying people for their manners as for their clothing. It would also be as ineffective as your "light banter," and not only because Miss Manners refuses to go around like a meter maid, issuing tickets on the street.

To reply to such an insult is to admit the right of the stranger to make it, arguing only about whether the content was fair. Your first reaction should be to turn away and ignore the remark. If that fails to stop this outrageous intrusion, it will be time to say, "Please stop harassing me," and perhaps to add, "or I will have to call the real police."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In this society of ours, social interaction is very important. However, there are those of us who are unable to relate easily to other people.

I have Social Anxiety Disorder, meaning I feel uncomfortable and anxious among other people, to the extent that I sometimes don't even want to enter a room in which my parents are (I am 34 years old). I am seeing a therapist, and do realize that it is unreasonable, but that's the way I am and probably will be for the rest of my life.

But my problem is this. Sometimes when I am with other people and the anxiety takes over, I freeze completely and want to withdraw. I need to be alone for a while just to recover my wits and relax.

What can I say to people -- something like "You're freaking me out, I am leaving" -- without hurting their feelings? I don't want to explain to everybody what the problem is.

GENTLE READER: Not anything remotely like "You're freaking me out, I am leaving."

Not only is there no way that this can be made to sound polite, but it explains -- erroneously -- what the problem is. The other people may trigger your problem, but they did not cause it.

Yet Miss Manners agrees that you need not offer a full explanation. You need only say, "Excuse me, I'm not feeling well," adding, to ward off inquiry, "but it's nothing; I'll be all right shortly."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our wedding cake has been sitting in our freezer for three years. I don't know what to do. On our first anniversary we took a trip. I totally forgot about it until a couple months later when I was looking for something in my freezer and it dawned on me. I am too superstitious to throw it away. We have a great marriage, but that cake is taking up so much room in our freezer. Please help me.

GENTLE READER: No, thank you, that's very kind, but -- oh, wait. You didn't mean help you eat it. Whew.

Unlike a good marriage, a good cake does not improve with age. Miss Manners has never understood why it is assumed that food can be used as a souvenir.

Yet there it is, and you can't just toss your wedding cake in the garbage disposal, splattering symbolism all over your kitchen. Miss Manners suggests inviting your relatives or members of your wedding party to dinner, and bringing it out with great fanfare. You will need another dessert, as they are not likely to eat it, either, but they will push it around their plates, leaving you with crumbs to throw out and the sense that you did the cake proper honor.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I know a lady who will be turning 75 soon. Her 94-year-old mother offered to have a birthday dinner in her honor at a local restaurant.

The purpose was really twofold. First to commemorate the birthday, and second to get all the children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren together at one time to celebrate the event. Reservations were made and people were called and invited.

Three days later, the lady decided that she didn't want the party, but would rather have the money that would have been spent so that she could travel.

I believe that her elderly mother's intent was to use the opportunity to get the family together for a sit-down dinner, which seems to be harder and harder to do these days. Based on a conversation that I had with her mother when she called canceling the dinner, it was obvious that she didn't originally give the lady a choice of the money or the dinner, the lady just came up with this on her own. What is your opinion of this lady's actions?

GENTLE READER: That this lady certainly keeps up with the times. Looking upon the generosity and kindness of others as convertible into spend-able income -- preferably without the nuisance of having them around -- is, Miss Manners assures you, a relatively modern form of rudeness. In the era in which your acquaintance was growing up, she may have been just as ungrateful and callous toward her mother, but she would not have expected to profit financially from doing so.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My colleague and I are perplexed about a set of napkins she has purchased. In one corner of each napkin, there is what appears to be a buttonhole.

Neither of us has ever seen this on a napkin, and we were puzzling over what its use might be. A horrifying possibility occurred to us -- could it be that the manufacturer intends the buttonhole to be used to secure the napkin to the uppermost button on a diner's shirt?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners is sorry to inform you that your horrified guess is correct. Contrary to what our parents and grandparents told us, the world was not perfectly behaved before our generation came along and spoiled everything. The napkins were incorrect then, and there were also sloppy eaters who were indifferent to that fact.

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