DEAR MISS MANNERS: I recently received a promise ring from my boyfriend, and it has come up that we are not sure which hand I am supposed to wear it on. He has heard the right hand, so as to keep the official ring finger free until the appropriate time. I have heard it should be worn on the left, so as to hold a place for the future engagement ring. Which hand, historically, is correct?

GENTLE READER: Historically, to be "promised" was another way of describing being engaged. Romantic limbo did not exist, certainly not with a symbol saying "this finger reserved for a future engagement."

So Miss Manners supposes your question depends on what the gentleman promised to do. If he promised to marry you, it would be suitable to wear his ring on your left hand, even if it will be upgraded when he is ready to fulfill the promise. If the question is still open, you might want to keep the spot open as well.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the appropriate course of action to take when one has a scheduled appointment and the person providing the scheduled service is very late?

I always schedule the first doctor or dentist appointment of the morning so that I can minimize the amount of time away from the office. I always arrive on time, but usually the doctor or dentist arrives 45 minutes to one hour after I arrive. If I am the first patient of the day, the lateness cannot be a result of the doctor or dentist being held up with other patients.

I am a professional with a heavy billable hour requirement, so every minute spent out of the office really counts. I fear that it is inappropriate to comment on the lateness.

Is there any polite way to address this issue? Is the response different if the late service-provider is a hairdresser?

GENTLE READER: As opposed to your dentist and doctor, whose services are less crucial to your well-being?

All people who make appointments are supposed to keep them, regardless of how society or they themselves rank their importance. And that includes clients and patients, whether or not they are billable. If emergencies and other contingencies delay either party to the appointment, that person should apologize as well as explain, and do whatever he or she can to minimize the inconvenience.

In the real world, as Miss Manners is perfectly well aware, everyone from statesmen to delivery service people takes advantage of others' needs to keep them dangling. Most of their victims either swallow the rudeness or retaliate by taking their business elsewhere.

However, there is a third route to try. That is to explain your situation to the doctor or dentist and to whoever keeps track of that person's appointments and ask to be given realistic times and to be alerted when there are delays. If you ask reasonably, and leave out the speech about the value of your own time, you may get some cooperation. If not, Miss Manners is afraid that you must choose between the other two alternatives.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm a newspaper carrier and I've been finishing up my thank you notes for the tips I received for the holidays. The problem is that I'm not sure if I should give a note to those who did not give a special tip for the holiday but instead give a dollar or two every billing cycle. I'm very thankful for these small tips, but I'm afraid that giving a thank you note would somehow make them feel ungenerous. Should I specify that I'm thankful for their generosity over the months or not send a note at all?

GENTLE READER: If there is a distinction between steady generosity and sporadic generosity, Miss Manners would think that the steady kind more valuable, or at least not less so. Of course you should write your appreciation for those tips given over the year. This would only make them feel "ungenerous" if you seemed to be hinting that more was due, which would be ill advised as well as rude.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was escorting a lady friend along a sidewalk not long ago, and as we were chatting, I chanced to look down and saw that a dog had left his "calling card" on the sidewalk.

My companion's foot, already in mid-air, was a split-second from its, ah, "date with destiny." There was no time for a verbal warning, so I grabbed her by the shoulder and yanked her back -- rather roughly, I'm afraid, but had I been any gentler, her foot would probably have been soiled.

I know that it is normally quite improper for a gentleman to manhandle a lady so, but am I right that this case was an exception? (My companion thanked me for the service, so I'm assuming I behaved correctly.) I hope that this question will be as simple as it appears to be.

GENTLE READER: You mean there might be a subtext that Miss Manners missed? She hopes not, as the surface problem is quite exciting enough.

Etiquette is not so besotted with its own rules as to fail to provide exceptions for emergencies. So the only question here is whether the situation (surely a danger to the lady's shoe, rather than her foot) constituted an emergency. You thought it was, the lady thought it was, the dog recuses himself and Miss Manners raises no objection.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At my son's all-male high school, seniors are required to purchase tuxedos for use throughout the school's formal season (including, though not limited to, graduation and prom).

While I am delighted that he is encouraged to dress formally, I fear the school's selection is embarrassingly inappropriate. Not with the selection of the tuxedo; that I applaud. It is with the selection (read: requirement) of a winged collar with black bow tie.

While my son learned early (i.e., first grade) that ALL ties are to be hand tied, I an horrified at the thought of his learning from the school that one should wear a black bow tie with a white winged collar.

How best to gently encourage the use of a white spread collar with the selected bow tie, or to suggest the use of the even more formal white bow tie if the winged collar is required? Please help -- I cannot bear the thought of his earliest formal events being immortalized photographically in so seriously flawed a presentation. Thank you for you thoughts.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners' thoughts are with you. The black circle around the neck that is revealed by the raised winged collar strikes her as making the gentleman look as if he forgot to wash below the ears.

However, history is against us, she is sorry to say. The dinner jacket first appeared in America -- at Tuxedo Park -- in 1896, and it was not until a quarter of a century later that the pleated shirt with turned-down collar was invented to go with it. Meanwhile, gentlemen continued to wear their only dress shirts, which had winged collars.

You don't want to find yourself going up against a science teacher who brandishes the photograph of Albert Einstein wearing a black tie with a winged collar. However, you can make a forceful argument in terms of aesthetics and of the conventions of our time. A school that respects tradition enough to require formal dress should be receptive to the point that a gentleman's evening clothes should not be unusual or conspicuous.

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