DEAR MISS MANNERS: Each year I have a holiday cocktail party for friends and neighbors. I spend a large amount of time planning, shopping and cooking for this event and I thoroughly enjoy the whole process. I have never complained about how much work it is, the mess, the cost, etc., because I like to entertain. I cook everything from scratch and take great pride in doing so.

The problem is people who bring food even after I politely decline their request of "just tell me what I can bring." One year, it was plates of under-cooked cookies, another it was two extra-large cheesecakes from a bakery.

I only serve foods that do not require the use of a fork because of the logistics of holding the glass, dish, utensil, and napkin and trying not to spill. I was very embarrassed as I explained that I could not serve the cake because I was not prepared with enough utensils for the 50 people in attendance.

What am I supposed to do with this food? What do I say to people who show up with items I am in no way prepared to serve? Am I not entertaining correctly? When I am invited out, I bring a non-food item as a gift for the host to enjoy later.

At this point, I am debating whether or not to host a gathering this year.

GENTLE READER: Oh, don't close down just because your guests are bringing awkward offerings. Why, you could give two parties: your customary one, which sounds charming, and another with the leftovers.

Miss Manners has noted with dismay that the habit of bringing food to a party arose at the same time that acknowledgement of the obligation to reciprocate hospitality declined. The excuse is that it isn't fair to have one person do all the work -- but it is fair when everyone takes a turn, and handing over a dish or a bottle is no substitute.

You should not feel that you have to serve what is brought, or even make an excuse for not doing so. Consider it to be a hostess present only. The phrase you need is, "Oh, thank you, we'll look forward to enjoying this."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband passed away just after last year's holidays, in January. There are some people I hear from very seldom, but definitely at Christmas. First, is it proper for me to send holiday greetings when I have been widowed less than a year? Second, how do I inform others of his passing?

It doesn't seem proper to just write inside the card (if I'm sending it) but I wondered if I should have a small card or note to include with the Christmas greeting that informs them of my husband's passing.

GENTLE READER: You may certainly be in touch with your acquaintance at Christmas, and you should absolutely let them know about your husband. But that is the reverse order of importance.

A Christmas card is not the proper means by which to announce a death. Even a religious one announces itself as primarily celebratory. Miss Manners recommends that, this year, you write plain notes telling your sad news and wishing your friends the best.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have faithfully sent birthday and Christmas greetings, sometimes with a gift, to my nephew his whole life. He usually sends a note of thanks.

But he is a globetrotting academic whose failure to reciprocate properly is hurtful. He nearly always misses such occasions, but out of the blue will send a random gift of flowers or a silk scarf whenever he feels like it with a short "thinking of you" note on dates that have no significance for me or him whatsoever.

His uncle, my husband, feels I should acknowledge receipt of these gifts, but I haven't been inclined to do so. Yet, he just keeps sending them. Would it be rude to tell him to stop? Wouldn't it be condoning thoughtlessness to express appreciation for having been forgotten on meaningful occasions?

GENTLE READER: Goodness knows that Miss Manners is not in the habit of declaring that surface behavior doesn't matter as long as the heart is good. Good manners and a devious heart are better company.

But here you have a nephew who thinks of you, who sends you presents, and who thanks you for the presents that you send him. He does reciprocate. Yet because he is not on the conventional schedule -- and you even realize that he travels a lot, which could make that difficult -- you are contemplating being outrageously rude to him.

If you would seriously prefer a nephew who leaves a list of dates with a personal shopper and doesn't think of you at odd moments, you can probably arrange a trade, as those kinds of nephews are plentiful.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Has the conventional wisdom on addressing formal invitations evolved? I just can't seem to stomach the traditional "Mr. and Mrs. Harry Oglethorpe" form.

Many of my contemporaries happily took their husband's surnames as a means of cementing their new families, but that doesn't mean they enjoy being transformed into a three-letter appendage.

Is it polite to address correspondence to married couples of all generations using both first names -- "Mr. and Mrs. Harry and Jenna Oglethorpe," for example? Does this form signal a subtle feminism, or merely an ignorance of traditional etiquette?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners has heard of people judging the proper thing to do by what makes them comfortable -- a bad system, considering how many people feel comfortable taking advantage of others. But your stomach really has no business telling other people how they should be addressed.

The traditional "Mr. and Mrs." form is still correct for those who prefer it, whether you can stomach it or not. It is also correct to address a couple (on two lines) as Ms. Jenna Oglethorpe/Mr. Harry Oglethorpe. Having this choice is complicated enough without others (or others' stomachs) making up awkward alternatives.

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If the holiday gerunds -- decorating, cooking, shopping, stuffing -- seem daunting, it is probably because you have neglected to do the first one, and have skipped to doing the last.

The last is grousing. The first is pruning.

Many people who neglect their ordinary duties to friends, relatives, acquaintances, colleagues and society during the year try to make up for it during the holidays. In a frenzy, they feel they must send cards to all the people with whom they failed to keep in touch all year, throw parties whose guest lists consist of those whose hospitality they failed to reciprocate all year, and give presents or money to all others whom they have disregarded all year.

It becomes too much for them. So they don't get it all done and proceed right to the grousing about the burden of celebrating what are, after all, supposed to be holidays.

Miss Manners, who has run up no such debts, is saving her sympathy for those who also keep up during the year, but feel extra-expansive at the holidays. They have understandably accumulated a great many friends this way, and enjoy doing special things at this time. And they have wider circles of acquaintanceship, and use the holidays for an annual check-in.

They also might find that it adds up to too much. It is on their behalf that Miss Manners makes the following recommendations for holiday pruning.

CARDS: Drop from your list anyone of whom you have no mental picture. An out-of-date picture -- the way they looked when you were in college, or when they lived across the street -- will do, but if you cannot conjure up any, you needn't greet them. They are probably equally puzzled about you, only responding to your greetings. When cards only arrive a week or more after you sent yours every year, they are trying to drop you, and you should let them.

Greetings from commercial establishments and from people who do mass mailings to those they hardly know may also be safely dropped. These are people who want to send you their message, not to hear yours.

PRESENTS: People who do not enjoy receiving presents indicate this by ignoring the ones they are given, criticizing their presents, asking the donor to exchange them or trying to head off the impulse to choose presents for them by posting their shopping lists. This distaste should be respected by desisting from the practice.

GUESTS: People who show up at annual parties and are not heard from the rest of the year are clearly making duty appearances of which they should be relieved by the host. Even inquiries about why their invitations were not forthcoming should be interpreted as mere attempts at politeness on the part of people who clearly do not yearn for one's company.

These measures may seem harsh, but Miss Manners considers it to be in the spirit of the season to be thoughtful of others. And that includes the thoughtfulness of leaving people alone when they are not grateful to be remembered.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I dress very modestly, for a variety of religious and moral reasons. I have no problem explaining why I dress as I do to those who are really interested.

However, I can tell very quickly when someone is trying to pick a verbal fight or start a political or religious debate in a place where that would not be appropriate. In these cases I'd rather not explain. How do I politely respond without explaining?

GENTLE READER: What is the question to which you need a response? "How come you don't dress more lewdly?"

The answer to that would be a frozen stare. However, if you are referring to a particular symbol, such as wearing a headscarf, you need only say pleasantly, "It's my custom," and, to any follow-up questions, "because it is my custom." Miss Manners still recommends practicing that frozen stare in case of prolonged questioning or speculation.

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