DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have faithfully sent birthday and Christmas greetings, sometimes with a gift, to my nephew his whole life. He usually sends a note of thanks.

But he is a globetrotting academic whose failure to reciprocate properly is hurtful. He nearly always misses such occasions, but out of the blue will send a random gift of flowers or a silk scarf whenever he feels like it with a short "thinking of you" note on dates that have no significance for me or him whatsoever.

His uncle, my husband, feels I should acknowledge receipt of these gifts, but I haven't been inclined to do so. Yet, he just keeps sending them. Would it be rude to tell him to stop? Wouldn't it be condoning thoughtlessness to express appreciation for having been forgotten on meaningful occasions?

GENTLE READER: Goodness knows that Miss Manners is not in the habit of declaring that surface behavior doesn't matter as long as the heart is good. Good manners and a devious heart are better company.

But here you have a nephew who thinks of you, who sends you presents, and who thanks you for the presents that you send him. He does reciprocate. Yet because he is not on the conventional schedule -- and you even realize that he travels a lot, which could make that difficult -- you are contemplating being outrageously rude to him.

If you would seriously prefer a nephew who leaves a list of dates with a personal shopper and doesn't think of you at odd moments, you can probably arrange a trade, as those kinds of nephews are plentiful.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Has the conventional wisdom on addressing formal invitations evolved? I just can't seem to stomach the traditional "Mr. and Mrs. Harry Oglethorpe" form.

Many of my contemporaries happily took their husband's surnames as a means of cementing their new families, but that doesn't mean they enjoy being transformed into a three-letter appendage.

Is it polite to address correspondence to married couples of all generations using both first names -- "Mr. and Mrs. Harry and Jenna Oglethorpe," for example? Does this form signal a subtle feminism, or merely an ignorance of traditional etiquette?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners has heard of people judging the proper thing to do by what makes them comfortable -- a bad system, considering how many people feel comfortable taking advantage of others. But your stomach really has no business telling other people how they should be addressed.

The traditional "Mr. and Mrs." form is still correct for those who prefer it, whether you can stomach it or not. It is also correct to address a couple (on two lines) as Ms. Jenna Oglethorpe/Mr. Harry Oglethorpe. Having this choice is complicated enough without others (or others' stomachs) making up awkward alternatives.

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If the holiday gerunds -- decorating, cooking, shopping, stuffing -- seem daunting, it is probably because you have neglected to do the first one, and have skipped to doing the last.

The last is grousing. The first is pruning.

Many people who neglect their ordinary duties to friends, relatives, acquaintances, colleagues and society during the year try to make up for it during the holidays. In a frenzy, they feel they must send cards to all the people with whom they failed to keep in touch all year, throw parties whose guest lists consist of those whose hospitality they failed to reciprocate all year, and give presents or money to all others whom they have disregarded all year.

It becomes too much for them. So they don't get it all done and proceed right to the grousing about the burden of celebrating what are, after all, supposed to be holidays.

Miss Manners, who has run up no such debts, is saving her sympathy for those who also keep up during the year, but feel extra-expansive at the holidays. They have understandably accumulated a great many friends this way, and enjoy doing special things at this time. And they have wider circles of acquaintanceship, and use the holidays for an annual check-in.

They also might find that it adds up to too much. It is on their behalf that Miss Manners makes the following recommendations for holiday pruning.

CARDS: Drop from your list anyone of whom you have no mental picture. An out-of-date picture -- the way they looked when you were in college, or when they lived across the street -- will do, but if you cannot conjure up any, you needn't greet them. They are probably equally puzzled about you, only responding to your greetings. When cards only arrive a week or more after you sent yours every year, they are trying to drop you, and you should let them.

Greetings from commercial establishments and from people who do mass mailings to those they hardly know may also be safely dropped. These are people who want to send you their message, not to hear yours.

PRESENTS: People who do not enjoy receiving presents indicate this by ignoring the ones they are given, criticizing their presents, asking the donor to exchange them or trying to head off the impulse to choose presents for them by posting their shopping lists. This distaste should be respected by desisting from the practice.

GUESTS: People who show up at annual parties and are not heard from the rest of the year are clearly making duty appearances of which they should be relieved by the host. Even inquiries about why their invitations were not forthcoming should be interpreted as mere attempts at politeness on the part of people who clearly do not yearn for one's company.

These measures may seem harsh, but Miss Manners considers it to be in the spirit of the season to be thoughtful of others. And that includes the thoughtfulness of leaving people alone when they are not grateful to be remembered.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I dress very modestly, for a variety of religious and moral reasons. I have no problem explaining why I dress as I do to those who are really interested.

However, I can tell very quickly when someone is trying to pick a verbal fight or start a political or religious debate in a place where that would not be appropriate. In these cases I'd rather not explain. How do I politely respond without explaining?

GENTLE READER: What is the question to which you need a response? "How come you don't dress more lewdly?"

The answer to that would be a frozen stare. However, if you are referring to a particular symbol, such as wearing a headscarf, you need only say pleasantly, "It's my custom," and, to any follow-up questions, "because it is my custom." Miss Manners still recommends practicing that frozen stare in case of prolonged questioning or speculation.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Does Miss Manners consider the "upgrading" of a gift to be a faux pas? Here's the scenario:

Parents generously invite son and daughter-in-law on a cruise for which the parents have saved, reserving standard accommodations for all. Son and daughter-in-law, without any further discussion, "improve" upon this generous gift by purchasing an "upgrade" for themselves.

Some claim this is bad manners indeed because it relates to the parents that their very generous gift (they didn't have to do this, after all) is somehow not good enough. Others claim that the younger set are only trying to make their dream trip come true also, since they couldn't have afforded the trip otherwise and may never again.

Never having taken such a cruise, I can only guess that the distinction of the "upgrade" lies in various amenities and maybe having a bathtub instead of a shower, or dinner with the captain.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners has learned to be wary of hearing about people pursuing their dreams, as it so often is at the expense of others. What about the parents' dream, which is literally at their expense?

The rule is that you can do what you like with a present once it is yours, provided the giver of it never discovers that it was not entirely satisfactory. If the couple were being sent off on their own, they might be able to get away with upgrading.

But how are they going to explain being in a grander cabin, most likely on a different deck, and probably being assigned to a different dining room? This would not only indicate dissatisfaction with the present, but a preference for extra luxury over family proximity.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At least once a week, I have lunch or dinner in a restaurant with a group of friends or co-workers or networking group. Inevitably, when the check comes, it is passed around and everyone gives money to cover their share.

I can only recall one time when the payment didn't come up short. Last night, for example, the money collected was $60 under the total bill. Usually the burden of paying more falls to the ones, like me, who choose to linger and chat over coffee, while others rush out as soon as they have finished their meal.

Should the host call those people the next day and inform them that the bill was short and they should plan to compensate at the next gathering? This problem has seemed to exist everywhere! What is a tactful way to make sure everyone pays their fair share? I don't want to have to pay $40 for a salad anymore.

GENTLE READER: What your group needs is not a bill collector with the unpleasant, although not impolite, task of calling around saying, "I'm afraid you miscalculated your lunch bill," giving the correct sum. It needs an accountant.

Invariably, Miss Manners observes, people who are asked to figure their own costs calculate only the price of the food, omitting the tax and tip. You need to put one person in charge, who asks each of the others what he or she ordered, figures the cost and says what is owed before anyone departs.

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