A cry of freedom went up when dress codes were abolished. Comfort! Creativity!

At last, a civilized society had recognized that it is what is inside a person, not outside, that counts. Even such oppressed minorities as school children, office workers and fashionistas finally gained the right to throw off all strictures (and practically all garments).

And what are we doing with this privilege?

Trying to end it, from what Miss Manners hears.

Schools and offices are re-instituting regulations, and so far, they are not encountering the sort of revolutionary opposition that had made them drop the ones they had. Airlines are wondering how to placate customers who complain about sitting next to exposed and (they inevitably add) smelly flesh. High-priced restaurants are fretting that a single baseball cap will drive away untold numbers of patrons who value "atmosphere." The fashion industry has switched from recommending that grown-ups dress like their children to suggesting that they dress like their grandparents.

What went wrong?

One reason that dress codes were easy to demolish is that those who fought to save them were in the untenable position of opposing comfort and creativity. Other arguments went unheard (as Miss Manners knows, because she was making them at the top of her ladylike voice) while these charges were being made.

And they will be made again. Miss Manners is not so naive as to believe that lessons learned from experience are remembered once the dissatisfactions that arose from the experience are removed. We just now happen to be in a period where the problems of rule-free clothing have become generally apparent.

While everyone gives voice to the desire for comfort, it is not a genuine concern for a sizeable number of people. Low-slung pants, stiletto heels and skin-tight jeans are no more comfortable than were such equally faddish styles as high, stiff collars and corsets. But those who really do put comfort above all turned out to be thinking only of their own comfort, however much discomfort it causes others who happen to be jammed up against them.

Creativity also offends others when it takes such forms as obscene slogans and threatening symbols. But it even rattles those who endorse it. For many, dressing has become too competitive, too confusing or -- of all things -- too boring.

Parents and teachers focus on how distracting and expensive it is for teenagers to dress to -- as they claim -- express themselves, but when the competition is free-form, even professionals find it overwhelming. Fashion arbitrators are notorious for promulgating ever-changing and outrageous styles for others while they stick to wearing black basics.

Others simply don't know what to wear. Confusion is rampant because the claim that clothing choices will not be interpreted -- that lofty argument about caring only about what is inside the heart, as if that could be glimpsed -- is false. Miss Manners finds it pathetic that innocent people who choose to dress as hookers or jailbirds are surprised and indignant when they are treated as being loose or suspicious.

Employers have come to realize that unprofessional dress symbolizes unprofessional attitudes to outsiders, and may even foster these in the workers themselves. And people who are told to wear whatever they like to a social event are well aware that they could still be judged as being over- or underdressed for the occasion.

Strangest of all is the absence of variety that comes of an absence of rules. Clothing conventions, like any social code, cover a myriad of conditions, including whether it is day or night, what season it is and what the venue or occasion is. When these faded out of use, only two amorphous styles were left: Casual and Wedding-Prom.

Miss Manners only asks for some semblance of order, not that everyone dress as she happens to see fit. Although she does note with astonishment that upswept hair, long skirts, brooches and gloves have been declared the latest fashion.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The topic of brunch was at discussion in my home this weekend, and what was at debate was the proper time brunch is served. Keeping with proper etiquette, can you please inform me at what time is brunch served?

GENTLE READER: At that morning hour when your guests can manage proper etiquette. Of course Miss Manners knows that they are polite all the time, but she suggests not pushing it by scheduling brunch before they are awake enough to enjoy making conversation or waiting until they are hungry enough to feel cranky. Generally, this means starting some time between 10 a.m. and noon.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I received the following invitation:

"We are planning Thanksgiving at our house. Most of the food will be provided by (a well-known upscale restaurant). If you would like to come to our house and split the cost, your share would be about $80. Make your check out to (so-and-so)."

The restaurant mentioned advertises Thanksgiving meals for take-out at about $15 per person. After a long moment of stunned disbelief, we wondered how we should respond and still remain cordial. Any suggestions?

GENTLE READER: Are you upset that your friends are offering to sell you Thanksgiving dinner, or just that they are taking too much of a mark-up?

Once they have committed the outrage of charging for their hospitality on Thanksgiving, of all days, it should hardly seem surprising that they would figure in the value of the service, the wear-and-tear on their house, the laundry and, for all Miss Manners knows, their time, formerly known as the pleasure of their company. She would not suspect them of giving you a bargain price on all that just because you happen to be friends.

If you wish to remain so, for reasons best known to yourself, you should decline with no more explanation than that you have made other plans. But if by "cordial," you mean you want to let on what you know without making enemies, you could add that their dinner will surely be a great treat, as you are familiar with the restaurant and happened to see its Thanksgiving advertisement.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I got engaged a month ago, and a week ago I found out that my maid of honor (who just got married seven weeks ago and I was her maid of honor) has been cheating on her husband with his best friend for three months (before and after the ceremony). I feel like I don't even know her and my fiance and I both agree that we don't want anyone standing up for us at our own wedding who takes marriage so un-seriously.

I want to kick her out; am I right in this? I cannot imagine having her next to me now. How can I tell her?

GENTLE READER: How did she tell you?

Or didn't she? Considering that you recently affirmed each other's status as best friend, surely you would not condemn her on the basis of hearsay.

You must hear what she has to say. Normally this would be a difficult subject to broach, but as you are both brides and intimate friends, it would not seem odd for you to ask her views about marriage in general and marital fidelity in particular. Should these turn out to be as you now suppose, you could gently tell her that your concept of marriage is so radically different that you would feel self-conscious reciting your vows with her at the altar, and would prefer her to be there as a guest.

This is a drastic thing to do, and Miss Manners has severely admonished brides who want to demote their attendants for not fussing over them sufficiently or for getting pregnant. But this seems a serious reason, and in any case, the friendship is already tainted.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister's invitation for the big family Thanksgiving included my partner, whom she has met and welcomed into her home before without incident or condition. My relationship has not been an issue when staying with my sister before, despite the fact she has two boys, ages 8 and 12.

Apparently, all this changed after she spoke with my brother, who has recently begun seeing someone new who has a 5-year-old son. Though this woman has never expressed distaste with my lifestyle and my brother made no such request, my sister called me back to impose the condition that my partner and I would be welcome as long as we eliminated displays of affection toward one another.

This seemed absurd to me, as we have never been outwardly demonstrative beyond the norms acceptable in public for gay or straight people.

My sister explained that since we were unsure of this woman's stand on the issue of homosexuality, especially where her child was concerned, we should do everything in our power to make sure the guest is comfortable and hide what she may consider offensive. I tried to counter by suggesting that in trying to pretend it doesn't exist, my sister was saying that it was unacceptable and that her role should be to show that her family at the holidays is united and accepted. I feel it falls to my brother to explain to his friend ahead of time and she should make the decision herself as to whether she chooses to attend a family affair where we are just that, a family.

What is the proper way to handle invitations to guests with (presumed) opposing lifestyles?

GENTLE READER: Lifestyles don't attend dinners; people do. Miss Manners fails to see why the presence of your or your brother's partner needs to turn Thanksgiving into a children's seminar on human sexuality.

Of course she is presuming that everyone will be behaving decently. If there is any doubt of that, perhaps your sister should warn your brother not to demonstrate affection for his new friend, lest the other children wonder why the mother of a 5-year-old is paired with someone other than the 5-year-old's father.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a friend who tells quite interesting stories. Some are so crazy that I have a feeling that she is lying. I want to tell her that I think she is lying, but I believe it would be rude. Whenever she tells me a story, I just pretend to be interested and say, "That's neat." That isn't how I really feel. How could I tell her I think she is lying without her getting really angry? I want the fake stories to stop. Please help me.

GENTLE READER: There is no way that you can call a friend a liar and hope to salvage the friendship, Miss Manners is afraid. So isn't it fortunate that the way to stop all this is the same way to show polite interest?

That is to ask questions and request details: "Really? When and where was that?" ... "But where were your parents when that happened?"... "Why wasn't that on the news?" and so on. You will wear her out making up details. That is, if you don't inspire her to new heights of lying.

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