DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I received the following invitation:

"We are planning Thanksgiving at our house. Most of the food will be provided by (a well-known upscale restaurant). If you would like to come to our house and split the cost, your share would be about $80. Make your check out to (so-and-so)."

The restaurant mentioned advertises Thanksgiving meals for take-out at about $15 per person. After a long moment of stunned disbelief, we wondered how we should respond and still remain cordial. Any suggestions?

GENTLE READER: Are you upset that your friends are offering to sell you Thanksgiving dinner, or just that they are taking too much of a mark-up?

Once they have committed the outrage of charging for their hospitality on Thanksgiving, of all days, it should hardly seem surprising that they would figure in the value of the service, the wear-and-tear on their house, the laundry and, for all Miss Manners knows, their time, formerly known as the pleasure of their company. She would not suspect them of giving you a bargain price on all that just because you happen to be friends.

If you wish to remain so, for reasons best known to yourself, you should decline with no more explanation than that you have made other plans. But if by "cordial," you mean you want to let on what you know without making enemies, you could add that their dinner will surely be a great treat, as you are familiar with the restaurant and happened to see its Thanksgiving advertisement.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I got engaged a month ago, and a week ago I found out that my maid of honor (who just got married seven weeks ago and I was her maid of honor) has been cheating on her husband with his best friend for three months (before and after the ceremony). I feel like I don't even know her and my fiance and I both agree that we don't want anyone standing up for us at our own wedding who takes marriage so un-seriously.

I want to kick her out; am I right in this? I cannot imagine having her next to me now. How can I tell her?

GENTLE READER: How did she tell you?

Or didn't she? Considering that you recently affirmed each other's status as best friend, surely you would not condemn her on the basis of hearsay.

You must hear what she has to say. Normally this would be a difficult subject to broach, but as you are both brides and intimate friends, it would not seem odd for you to ask her views about marriage in general and marital fidelity in particular. Should these turn out to be as you now suppose, you could gently tell her that your concept of marriage is so radically different that you would feel self-conscious reciting your vows with her at the altar, and would prefer her to be there as a guest.

This is a drastic thing to do, and Miss Manners has severely admonished brides who want to demote their attendants for not fussing over them sufficiently or for getting pregnant. But this seems a serious reason, and in any case, the friendship is already tainted.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister's invitation for the big family Thanksgiving included my partner, whom she has met and welcomed into her home before without incident or condition. My relationship has not been an issue when staying with my sister before, despite the fact she has two boys, ages 8 and 12.

Apparently, all this changed after she spoke with my brother, who has recently begun seeing someone new who has a 5-year-old son. Though this woman has never expressed distaste with my lifestyle and my brother made no such request, my sister called me back to impose the condition that my partner and I would be welcome as long as we eliminated displays of affection toward one another.

This seemed absurd to me, as we have never been outwardly demonstrative beyond the norms acceptable in public for gay or straight people.

My sister explained that since we were unsure of this woman's stand on the issue of homosexuality, especially where her child was concerned, we should do everything in our power to make sure the guest is comfortable and hide what she may consider offensive. I tried to counter by suggesting that in trying to pretend it doesn't exist, my sister was saying that it was unacceptable and that her role should be to show that her family at the holidays is united and accepted. I feel it falls to my brother to explain to his friend ahead of time and she should make the decision herself as to whether she chooses to attend a family affair where we are just that, a family.

What is the proper way to handle invitations to guests with (presumed) opposing lifestyles?

GENTLE READER: Lifestyles don't attend dinners; people do. Miss Manners fails to see why the presence of your or your brother's partner needs to turn Thanksgiving into a children's seminar on human sexuality.

Of course she is presuming that everyone will be behaving decently. If there is any doubt of that, perhaps your sister should warn your brother not to demonstrate affection for his new friend, lest the other children wonder why the mother of a 5-year-old is paired with someone other than the 5-year-old's father.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a friend who tells quite interesting stories. Some are so crazy that I have a feeling that she is lying. I want to tell her that I think she is lying, but I believe it would be rude. Whenever she tells me a story, I just pretend to be interested and say, "That's neat." That isn't how I really feel. How could I tell her I think she is lying without her getting really angry? I want the fake stories to stop. Please help me.

GENTLE READER: There is no way that you can call a friend a liar and hope to salvage the friendship, Miss Manners is afraid. So isn't it fortunate that the way to stop all this is the same way to show polite interest?

That is to ask questions and request details: "Really? When and where was that?" ... "But where were your parents when that happened?"... "Why wasn't that on the news?" and so on. You will wear her out making up details. That is, if you don't inspire her to new heights of lying.

:

For a moment there, Miss Manners thought she saw a chance to give the custom of tipping some serious analysis. Maybe a 15 to 18 percent chance. Who, besides tax-dodgers and bill-dodgers, wouldn't like to see the tipping system exposed for the farce that it is?

Others, on both sides of the tip, are wary of being cheated. In all the transactions in which tipping is customary -- transportation, public accommodations, personal services -- there is someone thinking "Are they going to stiff me?" if not "How much more can I make them give me?" and someone else thinking "Am I being a sucker?" if not "How little can I get away with?"

With the addition of holiday tipping, it just gets worse, with one side afraid of being overlooked and the other of being bilked. Then there is the uncertainly about who is within or above the tipping line, and the confusion between tips and presents.

What might have been the catalyst for reform was a case earlier this fall, when a customer in an upstate New York grill was arrested after leaving a 10 percent tip on the pizza bill that he and eight others had run up. The restaurant had stated that an 18 percent tip was mandatory for parties of six people or more.

The charge for the food was $77.43. The charge for failing to leave a larger tip was theft of services. So the case hinged on whether tipping is voluntary, as an expression of approval or disapproval on the part of the tipper, or mandatory, as a portion of the server's wages for services rendered -- a part to be paid directly by the customer instead of through the employer.

The accused maintained the former, claiming to be generally a good tipper who found the service bad. The restaurateur claimed the latter, stating that he was standing up for "the hard-working people who worked for me" and who work "strictly for tips."

The judge ruled in favor of the defendant. Miss Manners does not disagree with this verdict, as the society does make a hair-splitting distinction between an added-on "service charge," which is part of the bill, and a tip, which is understood to be voluntary.

But she wishes there had been some way to recognize that the restaurateur was also justified in his assertion that the society also recognizes that restaurant servers do work largely, if not entirely, on the expectation of tips. Knowing this, polite people leave at least the conventional tip (a 15 percent minimum before tax is added) regardless of the quality of the service. (If it is bad, they should complain, as in other cases when people do not perform adequately that which they are hired to do.)

The fact is that what we have here is an incoherent system. In what sense do the servers work for the restaurateur if he does not pay them wages? Is it that he provides a venue and situation in which the servers can try to impress -- or press -- the customers into giving them handouts? And is that a dignified way to do business?

The just solution is to have employers pay the employees, passing on the cost to customers frankly, by building the amount into the cost of the dishes ordered.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When is it appropriate or inappropriate to have a housewarming party? I am recently divorced and am buying my first home. As with many divorces we split most everything, and I cannot afford to replace many needed items at this time. What is the protocol? Am I supposed to register for items that I need or ask for gift cards or just take what I can get?

GENTLE READER: What exactly is warm about this plan? Miss Manners seems to have missed the part about how eager you are to welcome your friends to your new home. You have gotten right down to the business of whether you can make them help furnish your house.

Not politely -- and not reliably, even if you are willing to be so impolite as to indicate that your welcome is dependent on their not showing up empty-handed. Some may want to give you presents, others may feel they have to do so, but the last time Miss Manners checked, presents were voluntary, not some sort of tax that a host can levy on guests.

: