Do we have to invite him/her/them?

This is (otherwise) Gracious Hospitality talking backstage, where nobody being proposed for the guest list is supposed to hear. The quest to get amiable guests without their awful connections is decidedly ungracious, but Miss Manners realizes that it is often understandable, if rarely permissible.

Desirable people do sometimes make the most undesirable connections. They marry them, they give birth to them, they room with them, they have them as houseguests, or they met them last week and cannot bear to be separated.

So -- can the host manage to separate them for a few hours?

Oddly enough, the cases in which the hosts most long to do this are when the connections are their very own. They are giving a family holiday party or holding a ceremonial event such as a wedding and remember how little they care for certain of their relatives. Can they invite the uncle who hands out checks but not the one who hands out opinions? Can they make sure the brother's wife doesn't assume that her children are included? Can they let the sister who disciplines her children bring them and exclude the children of the sister who believes in not inhibiting them? Can they make Grandpa agree to leave his new lady friend home?

Keeping family members away from family occasions is a drastic notion that requires drastic measures. And Miss Manners issues a stern reminder that there is no second-class category by which in-laws and stepchildren are optional. Personal preferences do not count, although you need not invite those with whom you have had major feuds.

Sometimes limitations may be imposed, provided that you make no exceptions. No second cousins or no children under 10, for example. Or you can downplay the event -- "Yes, some people did drop by, but it was not really a birthday party," "We eloped on the spur of the moment and only took along the siblings who lived nearby" -- but you have to be sure the story will stick.

Common to all social occasions is the question of whether half a couple may be invited. Considering that we no longer know what makes a couple, this is a tricky problem.

Marriage is a sure qualifier, which is why those gold-diggers and freeloaders who forced their way into the family get to accompany the blood relatives. So, now, is para-marriage. People who are living together in romantic partnership must also be treated as a social unit.

This means that love-one-can't-stand-the-other friendships are pretty much confined to weekday lunches. That is also a good time to see people with un-enchanting children, although children do not have to be invited to events designated as grown-up. Nor do dates or houseguests.

There are polite answers other than "Of course" to "May I bring...?" or even "I'll be bringing..." These answers all start with "Oh, I'm so sorry, but..." and end with "But I'd love to see him/her/them on another occasion." In between are "I'm afraid it's a grown-up party" or "I don't really have room for more." Hosts, as well as guests, have to know when to decline.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: With the smoking bans in restaurants now, what is the proper etiquette for those who smoke and those who have been left at the table? I do not have a problem with those who smoke getting up (between courses) to go outside to smoke, but recently I was chastised for continuing to eat when the next course was served and they weren't back. Should I have let my food get cold till they returned?

GENTLE READER: If the smokers weren't back, you must be telling Miss Manners that a nonsmoker chastised you, declaring that it would be rude not to sit there with your hands in your laps to give the smokers time to enjoy their cigarettes.

Does such a person exist? In any case, no such rule exists. If eating had to be suspended mid-meal whenever a guest excused herself from the table for whatever purpose, dinner table conversation would soon deteriorate to the level of "Do you think she fell in?"

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there such thing as "interline dating etiquette," or would that be an oxymoron? I confess that I am new to the genre, but here is my dilemma (and it is not an isolated situation).

I have had several pleasant phone conversations with a man who is an articulate and pleasant professional; we have a lot in common, and have exchanged photos. He suggested we meet at 7:30 p.m. (my dinner hour) on a Friday night. He lives 45 minutes away and will drive to my city after work. Considering the time, I assumed this meant the evening meal, and asked what type of restaurants he prefers so I could arrange a meeting place; he said he was suggesting a drink, "possibly" dinner.

I am a bit put off by this. I see some logic in foregoing dinner if we don't feel a connection. I also feel as two adults who enjoy one another's conversation that we could pass an enjoyable hour over dinner regardless of any attraction (or lack thereof). Frankly, I am a bit uneasy with the notion that I am to be "on trial" over drinks, and will be honored with his company for dinner only if I pass muster; otherwise I will be summarily dismissed prior to any meal! This reeks a bit too much of the cattle auction for me -- check her teeth, and then, if she looks like a good breeder, pony up the funds for feed!

Maybe that's just how it's done in these days of Internet dating, or maybe I'm old-fashioned, or both. Am I being too picky in feeling that a gentleman and a lady out on a date should both be able to commit to graciously dine together (and that this makes a much more appropriate "date" than wine on an empty stomach, as dinner, after all, "might" be in the offing), regardless of whether there is a Grand Attraction? Am I missing something here?

GENTLE READER: Yes, and Miss Manners would have thought she would be the last person in the world to explain it to you.

She can at least assure you that your problem is not being old-fashioned. If that were the case, you would not be meeting strangers with the purpose of frankly checking each other over as possible candidates for romance. If the cow were as free and eager to choose a farmer as the farmer is the cow, then "cattle auction" would be an apt term.

However, the modern form recognizes that it is harder to choose a romantic partner, and therefore the convention is to keep the initial time commitment to a minimum. Your prospect is already putting an hour and a half driving time into it.

Perhaps if you stop thinking of it as a date and think of it as an interview, you will realize that you cannot expect this encounter to observe the time-consuming niceties of courtship.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it appropriate behavior to clip your fingernails at work? There are no offices or doors.

GENTLE READER: And no bathrooms?

Even if there are, working conditions must be dreadful. If your workday is so long that your fingernails grow out during the course of it, Miss Manners suggests that you spend that time looking for another job.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: During a business trip, I was invited to the home of a colleague for dinner. To my delight, his wife was a lovely woman who greeted me warmly in flawless English with just a hint of her native Italy accenting a couple of words. Before I could relate the fact that I speak Italian fluently, my hosts engaged in a private conversation completely in Italian!

The substance of the conversation made it impossible for me to confess that I had understood every word -- including some that remarked on my overall attractiveness despite a bottom that could be somewhat smaller -- without risking extreme embarrassment and shame to my otherwise gracious hosts. Yet I felt more than just a twinge of guilt that I did not let on that I understood what they assumed was their private language.

I was hoping that as time passes, and their memories of that evening fade, I could then share that I know the language so that if I ever do visit again they'll know not to risk such behavior -- but without a clear memory of whether they had behaved inappropriately in my previous visit. Please tell me what I should have done under the circumstances.

GENTLE READER: You must really have liked those comments about your attractiveness. Here you are, bless you, worrying about delicacy toward people who had committed three acts of rudeness toward you when you had scarcely walked in the door.

Holding any private conversation in front of a guest is rude, and when it involves sizing up his, ah, never mind, while he is standing there, it is even ruder. It is also rude to assume that it is safe to do so because you could not possibly speak a non-uncommon foreign language.

Miss Manners would have advised making the point on the spot by saying politely, in Italian, "It is good to know that I have your approval." She would hope that they would then have had the sense to laugh through their well-deserved embarrassment, apologize profusely and then quickly change the conversation to complimenting your Italian.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have hosted several parties where my adult male friends have not only left the toilet seat up after using the bathroom, but have left urine on the toilet as well as on the floor in front of the toilet. The women are disgusted with the inconsideration. I am planning another gathering soon. Would it be rude for me to place a small note in the bathroom asking my male guests to clean up after themselves and to put the seat back down?

GENTLE READER: When you feel you have to beg your guests to observe the ordinary rules of decent and sanitary behavior, you should be editing your guest list instead of making signs. Scofflaws are not suddenly riveted into politeness by signs.

When you feel you have to beg them to observe this particular nicety, Miss Manners suggests you also edit your menu, perhaps to offer more food and less drink.

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