DEAR MISS MANNERS: During a business trip, I was invited to the home of a colleague for dinner. To my delight, his wife was a lovely woman who greeted me warmly in flawless English with just a hint of her native Italy accenting a couple of words. Before I could relate the fact that I speak Italian fluently, my hosts engaged in a private conversation completely in Italian!

The substance of the conversation made it impossible for me to confess that I had understood every word -- including some that remarked on my overall attractiveness despite a bottom that could be somewhat smaller -- without risking extreme embarrassment and shame to my otherwise gracious hosts. Yet I felt more than just a twinge of guilt that I did not let on that I understood what they assumed was their private language.

I was hoping that as time passes, and their memories of that evening fade, I could then share that I know the language so that if I ever do visit again they'll know not to risk such behavior -- but without a clear memory of whether they had behaved inappropriately in my previous visit. Please tell me what I should have done under the circumstances.

GENTLE READER: You must really have liked those comments about your attractiveness. Here you are, bless you, worrying about delicacy toward people who had committed three acts of rudeness toward you when you had scarcely walked in the door.

Holding any private conversation in front of a guest is rude, and when it involves sizing up his, ah, never mind, while he is standing there, it is even ruder. It is also rude to assume that it is safe to do so because you could not possibly speak a non-uncommon foreign language.

Miss Manners would have advised making the point on the spot by saying politely, in Italian, "It is good to know that I have your approval." She would hope that they would then have had the sense to laugh through their well-deserved embarrassment, apologize profusely and then quickly change the conversation to complimenting your Italian.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have hosted several parties where my adult male friends have not only left the toilet seat up after using the bathroom, but have left urine on the toilet as well as on the floor in front of the toilet. The women are disgusted with the inconsideration. I am planning another gathering soon. Would it be rude for me to place a small note in the bathroom asking my male guests to clean up after themselves and to put the seat back down?

GENTLE READER: When you feel you have to beg your guests to observe the ordinary rules of decent and sanitary behavior, you should be editing your guest list instead of making signs. Scofflaws are not suddenly riveted into politeness by signs.

When you feel you have to beg them to observe this particular nicety, Miss Manners suggests you also edit your menu, perhaps to offer more food and less drink.

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Say something nice; make someone feel bad.

Miss Manners would have thought this a difficult combination to pull off. Insults are easy and, she regrets to say, plentiful. There is general agreement about what constitutes a negative attribute, and the insulter has only to name it. As reinforcement, there is the sneer with which insults are delivered.

But compliments that leave their targets miffed and their givers bewildered are also plentiful. They just require a bit more thoughtlessness.

Guessing about the situation being admired is almost a sure method:

"I see you're pregnant -- congratulations!"

"What an adorable child. You must be the proud grandfather."

"Is that your girlfriend?"

"I bet you're the smartest one in your class."

"You must be making a fortune to afford that."

Almost as effective is asking:

"Your hair is such a beautiful color. Is it dyed?"

"Where'd you get that darling baby? He doesn't look anything like you."

"Wow, your performance was amazing. Do they check for steroids?"

"I bet all the boys are after you -- so how come you're not married yet?"

Other comments that are intended to pass for compliments backfire because they are based on erroneous ideas of shared assumptions.

Gentlemen have had a hard time getting over the notion that all ladies liked to be praised for their looks and clothes, by anyone and under any circumstances. Their wives and daughters appreciate this, so why do ladies at work -- or strangers on the street -- take offense at being similarly appraised, so long as the judgment is favorable?

Ladies have a hard time believing that other ladies do not want their weight favorably appraised. Being told that they have lost weight is no delight for people who have illnesses they don't care to discuss, thought they looked all right before or just don't like the idea of being monitored.

Both genders have trouble believing that there is anyone over the age of 18 who is not flattered to be taken for someone younger, however unbelievably. Professionals are told they look too young to hold their jobs, parents that they are too young to have children of the age that they clearly do, partners that one of them is too young for the other, and the elderly that they couldn't possibly be the age they claim.

Another general belief is that everyone is proud of his or her shopping skills and financial resources, so that approving comments on possessions are always in order, and may be followed by "Where'd you get that?" and "How much was it?"

Finally, there is the assumption that it is satisfying to arouse envy. This accounts for the number of people who believe that it is a compliment to mention good fortune and then say, "and I hate you."

All these people plead that they are "just trying to be nice," which is what Miss Manners keeps urging them to do. Perhaps she forgot to specify that it should be the kind of niceness that does not leave others feeling worse.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: On only a few days notice, I was married in February to a wonderful woman. Having not had time to properly invite friends and family to our nuptials, and since we already had been living together for 14 years, we didn't expect to receive gifts.

Nevertheless, we did receive many wonderful cards and calls of congratulations, and a few relatives did send us thoughtful gifts. Of course we promptly wrote them thank-you notes and telephoned them to show our sincere appreciation. Unfortunately, a decision by the California Supreme Court voided our marriage, along with the marriages of approximately 4,000 other same-gender couples.

What is the proper etiquette with respect to keeping or returning these special gifts now that the court has forced us to untie the knot?

GENTLE READER: Wedding presents may be properly accepted during the couple's engagement, and need only be returned if they no longer wish to be married. You have, after all, met Miss Manners' basic and non-negotiable requirement: You wrote thank-you letters.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I know it is wrong to repeat gossip amongst friends, but is there ever a circumstance when it is best to alert strangers to gossip?

A few weeks ago, while marooned in an airport waiting area, I observed a distressing tableau. Several men and a woman, clearly colleagues on a business trip, were sitting near me. After the woman left to buy snacks for her group, her colleagues proceeded to insult and denigrate her vilely, vulgarly and at great length. When the lady returned, her colleagues treated her respectfully, leaving me feeling as though I'd been made privy to a disgusting secret.

At the time, I held my tongue and made do with a few icy stares, but have since thought it might have been better to intervene somehow.

Should I have confronted the group of men -- uncaring brutes who seemed likely to cause an ugly scene -- for rudeness as they were making the comments? Would it have been right for me to discreetly tell the woman what I'd heard, perhaps approaching her in the ladies' room or some other relatively private spot? What would Miss Manners have done under the circumstances?

GENTLE READER: Gotten on her airplane and left.

Failing that possibility, she would have immersed herself in a novel, where she could be sure of being given all the necessary information to understand the situation -- as one is not in life, certainly not in regard to strangers.

The people you overheard treated the lady respectfully. They are entitled to their private opinions of her, although they should have tried harder to keep them private.

You would be doing the lady no favor to bring these out in the open. The hypocrisy you want to expose is the very thing that enables people who don't like one another to work together politely -- which, by your own account, is what they are doing.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If you are the second person to board an elevator and the person who boarded first is standing directly in front of the buttons, should you reach across them to press your button? Or request that they press it by saying "Four, please"?

I typically refrain from reaching across them and request that they press it, but was once told off by a woman who instructed me that she was "not my servant." And this on a day when I was carrying coffee and bagels for the entire office and unable to press the button if I'd tried! Just wondering what your thoughts are. Don't want to press anybody's buttons inadvertently.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners' thoughts are a lot more presentable than that of someone who tells off elevator passengers.

Well, no, maybe they're not. It has occurred to her what unfortunate accident might take place if, in response to this person's refusal to perform a trivial and common courtesy, you leaned across her with your hot coffee to push the button for yourself.

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