DEAR MISS MANNERS: What should one do when one finds out that a friend has done something utterly reprehensible? A fairly new friend revealed to me that, several years ago, she attempted to get a man we both know to claim her child as his own. There was no possibility that he was the biological father, but she pretended that he was to many of his friends and business associates. She could have ruined him, both personally and professionally, as he was married to someone else, as was she.

The man in question is a close friend. He has forgiven her; they maintain a correspondence, and she travels to see him a few times a year. I'm shocked enough to want to cut off all contact with her. On the other hand, she confided in me out of trust, thinking that I would be sympathetic.

If she tries to contact me, what do I do? What do I say when our mutual friend, her attempted blackmail target, mentions her in conversation? He has told me that he is happy that we have become friends.

GENTLE READER: And aren't you happy that they have each other? It enables them to exchange all the sympathy they want, leaving you out of their sordid mess.

Miss Manners is afraid that the distribution of ethics in this friendship is even more uneven than you think. Not only does your friend have too few, but you have one too many.

You seem to believe that being asked for sympathy requires you to give it, in disregard of your own morals. You are not obliged to try to reform such people, but neither are you obliged to continue a friendship with someone whom you now know to be capable of sacrificing a presumably intimate friend in the most dishonest and cruel way.

For that matter, why would you want to be friends with someone who is, for whatever reason, countenancing such unforgivable behavior toward himself?

If you distance yourself from them by being unavailable for appointments or for more than an exchange of basic courtesies when you happen to meet, they will probably be able to figure out why. It isn't as though you were reacting to unsubstantiated gossip, as your friend told it to you herself, or as if there could be circumstances under which this behavior might be justified. But if you are asked, the response is that you realized that you had less in common than you had thought.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Whatever happened to the receiving line at wedding receptions?

It seems as if the current trend is to "announce" the wedding party as they arrive at the reception. Having stood in a few receiving lines myself, I understand how tedious they can be, but how else does one greet one's guests? If one is a guest at such a wedding, when is the proper time to approach the bridal couple for good wishes, or the parents to thank them for their hospitality?

GENTLE READER: Here is what happened to receiving lines: People who spend fortunes on showy weddings, complete with fancy clothes and decorations, decide that a receiving line is "too formal." What exactly they think is a more formal occasion than a wedding, Miss Manners cannot say.

Instead, they decide, they will just move around the reception, saying hello to everyone there. Only they don't. They get caught up chatting, dancing, eating and being photographed, and leave it to their hapless guests to catch them when they can.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a high school student volunteering time to support a candidate for the U.S. Senate. The neighborhood I was assigned to canvass clearly subscribes to the opposing political ideology. Many a time, a door has been slammed in my face, or worse, derogatory comments made regarding my candidate or myself.

What has become of our democracy when opposing viewpoints are met with abject ire?

Would you kindly do me the favor of suggesting several alternatives these good but misguided citizens could substitute while declining to entertain gently persuasive comments regarding a viewpoint other than their own?

GENTLE READER: The only polite way to shut a door in someone's face is to say, "Sorry, I'm not interested," preferably with a regretful smile, and to close the door gently without having to hear the argument about why one should be interested.

Miss Manners fears that this may be disappointing to you, primed as you are to articulate and defend your reasons for supporting your candidate. But you should remember that the time-honored custom of canvassing violates two everyday rules of etiquette: against invading the privacy of people's homes, and against challenging other people's politics.

This is not to say that you are wrong to do it, nor that anyone is justified in being rude to you. It is just that you -- in common with religious proselytizers, traveling salesmen and collectors for charity -- must expect some irritation when you ring doorbells. Sadly, it is often rudely expressed.

Miss Manners agrees with you that political discourse is in a bad way, but not because there are people who have already made up their minds. You have.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My family had a special occasion in another city and stayed at an elegant hotel, thrilled with the luxury. When I arrived at the complimentary breakfast buffet, within a half-hour of closing, there were at least a dozen people in line.

When I got up to the food, plate in one hand and tongs in the other, a man who had not been in line darted in front of me and began to grab the cut fruit with his hands from the plate in front of me. I was so startled that I just stood there, agog at both the cutting in line and the barehanded grabbing.

Since the melon was slippery, he had some trouble and reached again and again. He then went on to snatch and grab at whatever he could reach of the other plates.

Finally, after a few minutes of this, I icily said, "Pardon me!" He looked somewhat surprised and left the line, plate full.

My question is whether I should have offered him the tongs, or continued to hold the tongs and not assist this behavior further? I feel that I was less than considerate, but I was really so shocked and appalled that I was almost frozen. I have only seen this type of behavior on TV in unfortunate situations such as starving refugee camps, but this fellow looked a lot more prosperous. What does one do when people act this way?

GENTLE READER: Get out of the way.

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"But what about me?" is not a thought that can be easily held while maintaining a socially presentable facial expression.

The lower lip ventures out and the eyes narrow. This is a peculiarly unpleasant combination, lacking both the pathos of sorrow and the strength of anger.

And it overcomes some people just when their faces are supposed to be glowing with vicarious pleasure in someone else's good fortune. A friend or a relative gets engaged or promoted, or receives an honor or expects a baby. Others are making a great fuss about it. In their midst, however, one who seemed fine before this, or at least reconciled to fate, and who is supposed to be joining the rejoicing, is nursing a sense of the injustice of the world.

It can even be ill fortune that leads to this reaction, if that has garnered flurries of sympathy. In that case, "Why did this happen to him and not to me?" is replaced with "Why are they making so much over his problem when I have suffered so much worse?"

Or it can focus on a more immediate claim to injustice: "Why is she getting all the attention when I contributed, too?"

A lady who feels "insignificant" because her husband's school friends refer to "John's wedding" and "John's house" proposes saying, "with a smile and a laugh, 'I was at the wedding, too, and I put too much planning and money into it not to have my name attached to it' or 'Well, I think I live here, too,'" but acknowledges that she might sound curt.

A gentleman whose wife alone received flowers after the birth of their baby, from the office where they both work, asks if he has to "grin and bear it, or is some subtle polite way of letting them know that I was offended" available, because although "she was the one who did most of the work, I feel like I deserve some of the credit for the creation of our beautiful daughter."

A lady whose in-laws proposed giving her husband a surprise 40th birthday party with no mention of her own 40th birthday, three days earlier, is afraid that she will have "to plaster a smile on my face and not say anything, because I don't want to start a big fight and spoil my husband's party."

Yes, but even the quality of these laughs, grins and smiles frightens Miss Manners. She could propose jokes ("It was a great wedding, and I was so happy to be able to be there"; "I couldn't have done this without her"; "I'm so glad you're no longer too young for me"), but knows that pouters will not be able to pull them off.

Relief lies only in learning to enjoy other people's pleasure, most especially when the other people are spouses. As for the generalists who feel slighted when anyone at all has a wedding, birthday or baby, their only hope is to realize that the amount of happiness in the world is not finite. Other people's happiness does not detract from theirs, it only adds to the amount of happiness in the world.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm hoping that you will be able to tell me if it is ever OK to tell someone they are being rude?

GENTLE READER: No, because that would be rude. OOOPS!

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