DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a high school student volunteering time to support a candidate for the U.S. Senate. The neighborhood I was assigned to canvass clearly subscribes to the opposing political ideology. Many a time, a door has been slammed in my face, or worse, derogatory comments made regarding my candidate or myself.

What has become of our democracy when opposing viewpoints are met with abject ire?

Would you kindly do me the favor of suggesting several alternatives these good but misguided citizens could substitute while declining to entertain gently persuasive comments regarding a viewpoint other than their own?

GENTLE READER: The only polite way to shut a door in someone's face is to say, "Sorry, I'm not interested," preferably with a regretful smile, and to close the door gently without having to hear the argument about why one should be interested.

Miss Manners fears that this may be disappointing to you, primed as you are to articulate and defend your reasons for supporting your candidate. But you should remember that the time-honored custom of canvassing violates two everyday rules of etiquette: against invading the privacy of people's homes, and against challenging other people's politics.

This is not to say that you are wrong to do it, nor that anyone is justified in being rude to you. It is just that you -- in common with religious proselytizers, traveling salesmen and collectors for charity -- must expect some irritation when you ring doorbells. Sadly, it is often rudely expressed.

Miss Manners agrees with you that political discourse is in a bad way, but not because there are people who have already made up their minds. You have.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My family had a special occasion in another city and stayed at an elegant hotel, thrilled with the luxury. When I arrived at the complimentary breakfast buffet, within a half-hour of closing, there were at least a dozen people in line.

When I got up to the food, plate in one hand and tongs in the other, a man who had not been in line darted in front of me and began to grab the cut fruit with his hands from the plate in front of me. I was so startled that I just stood there, agog at both the cutting in line and the barehanded grabbing.

Since the melon was slippery, he had some trouble and reached again and again. He then went on to snatch and grab at whatever he could reach of the other plates.

Finally, after a few minutes of this, I icily said, "Pardon me!" He looked somewhat surprised and left the line, plate full.

My question is whether I should have offered him the tongs, or continued to hold the tongs and not assist this behavior further? I feel that I was less than considerate, but I was really so shocked and appalled that I was almost frozen. I have only seen this type of behavior on TV in unfortunate situations such as starving refugee camps, but this fellow looked a lot more prosperous. What does one do when people act this way?

GENTLE READER: Get out of the way.

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"But what about me?" is not a thought that can be easily held while maintaining a socially presentable facial expression.

The lower lip ventures out and the eyes narrow. This is a peculiarly unpleasant combination, lacking both the pathos of sorrow and the strength of anger.

And it overcomes some people just when their faces are supposed to be glowing with vicarious pleasure in someone else's good fortune. A friend or a relative gets engaged or promoted, or receives an honor or expects a baby. Others are making a great fuss about it. In their midst, however, one who seemed fine before this, or at least reconciled to fate, and who is supposed to be joining the rejoicing, is nursing a sense of the injustice of the world.

It can even be ill fortune that leads to this reaction, if that has garnered flurries of sympathy. In that case, "Why did this happen to him and not to me?" is replaced with "Why are they making so much over his problem when I have suffered so much worse?"

Or it can focus on a more immediate claim to injustice: "Why is she getting all the attention when I contributed, too?"

A lady who feels "insignificant" because her husband's school friends refer to "John's wedding" and "John's house" proposes saying, "with a smile and a laugh, 'I was at the wedding, too, and I put too much planning and money into it not to have my name attached to it' or 'Well, I think I live here, too,'" but acknowledges that she might sound curt.

A gentleman whose wife alone received flowers after the birth of their baby, from the office where they both work, asks if he has to "grin and bear it, or is some subtle polite way of letting them know that I was offended" available, because although "she was the one who did most of the work, I feel like I deserve some of the credit for the creation of our beautiful daughter."

A lady whose in-laws proposed giving her husband a surprise 40th birthday party with no mention of her own 40th birthday, three days earlier, is afraid that she will have "to plaster a smile on my face and not say anything, because I don't want to start a big fight and spoil my husband's party."

Yes, but even the quality of these laughs, grins and smiles frightens Miss Manners. She could propose jokes ("It was a great wedding, and I was so happy to be able to be there"; "I couldn't have done this without her"; "I'm so glad you're no longer too young for me"), but knows that pouters will not be able to pull them off.

Relief lies only in learning to enjoy other people's pleasure, most especially when the other people are spouses. As for the generalists who feel slighted when anyone at all has a wedding, birthday or baby, their only hope is to realize that the amount of happiness in the world is not finite. Other people's happiness does not detract from theirs, it only adds to the amount of happiness in the world.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm hoping that you will be able to tell me if it is ever OK to tell someone they are being rude?

GENTLE READER: No, because that would be rude. OOOPS!

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: As with so many other people these days, I'm on quite a specific diet; in my case, a popular and well-known diet which has been mandated by my doctor. While there are no foods I'm forbidden to eat on this diet, I do have to be careful to stay within my daily nutritional allowances. I have a small booklet of nutritional values that helps me with this task.

As I spend more time on this diet, I'm becoming familiar with the values of most common foods, but I am occasionally confronted with something new and need to either reference my booklet or decline the offer (or possibly both, depending on what the booklet has to say on the matter). Is this checking something that can be done politely or should I simply decline treats of unknown nutritional value?

GENTLE READER: Were you planning on asking the hostess to hold off a minute while you looked it up in your book? And while the other guests chimed in: "What's the calorie count?" "Is it all natural ingredients?" "Any carbohydrates?" "What's the fiber content?"

Miss Manners admires your determination to stick to your diet, but you must show equal determination in sticking to your duty to your hostess not to disrupt the dinner. Even if this means that you miss out on something your diet would have allowed you to have had you only known.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I received a wedding invitation last week. I had not had time to reply to this invitation before I received a phone call from the mother of the groom asking me to please return the invitation, as the bride needed to resend the invitation to another person because she did not have enough invitations!

I have never heard of such a rude request regarding invitations. I returned the invitation post haste. Should I send my regrets (my husband I are not able to go to this wedding because of a conflict in plans), and am I obligated to send a gift to the bride and groom? Am I still to be counted as a guest, or has this status been removed because of the return of the invitation? Any advice would be appreciated.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners would not ever -- ever -- advise anyone to fail to answer a wedding invitation. (Indeed, she hardly needs to. It seems to be what people do anyway.) But this time she is tempted.

Your invitation was, after all, rescinded. The possibility that the hosts had ordered too few invitations -- or that they intended to keep passing around a sample they got free -- is not worth dignifying as an excuse. If they couldn't re-order, they could invite the rest of the list by personal letter.

What she would be tempted to do, if she were you, would be to write a letter expressing best wishes to the bridal couple and regret that you will miss their wedding. Should she manage to overcome that temptation (please bear with her, as she is getting morally dizzy), she would say to the lady in question, "I don't quite understand whether I am expected." But then she might overcome her better nature as well, and add, "So I went ahead and made other plans."

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