DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a college student and often, when friends' parents are in town, they will offer to take out a group of their child's friends to a restaurant.

If I cannot attend, do I express my regrets to the son or daughter who did the inviting, or to the parents themselves, who would have done the paying?

If I accept the invitation, I generally feel it is good form to send a thank-you note to the parents -- after all, they bought me dinner. A roommate insists this is pretentious, and that warmly thanking them at the end of the meal or at our next meeting is sufficient. Who is correct?

I am 21, but many of my friends are not. Some parents have offered to buy me a glass of wine at dinner (when appropriate with our setting and meal). I certainly have no intention of drinking more than one glass or getting drunk, but is it inappropriate to accept a drink given the fact that some of my friends at the table cannot?

I generally do not assume that parents will pay the way of all of their children's friends at dinner, as the outing sometimes involves six or seven of us, and I have on occasion asked how much I owe or otherwise indicated upon the arrival of the check that I would certainly be willing to pay for my meal. Someone indicated that this may be offensive and shows that I don't think a family is well-off.

Am I being rude in my effort to be polite?

GENTLE READER: Pretentious? Rude? Does Miss Manners think that parents who receive a direct answer to their invitation and a letter of thanks are thinking, "Hummph! Who does she think she is?"

Your concern, rather, is what the other students think. What your friends are protesting is your proposing to do more than the minimum that the situation requires, which is to reply to the person who gave you the invitation and thank the hosts at the meal's end. You actually recognize that these people have done something gracious, and you want to be gracious in return.

When the others call it "pretentious," it means "I don't want to do it, so don't show me up." But why should you lower your standards to meet the common ones -- anymore than you should feel obliged to lower your age and forgo a legal drink?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When someone on the street offers me a flyer for something in which I know I have no interest, is it more polite to 1) take the flyer, as this is the person's job and he or she is trying to do it diligently, and then throw it away, or 2) decline the flyer so that it goes to someone who may be interested in it?

GENTLE READER: Giving out the flyers is only the physical aspect of the job. If that were all there was to it, this could be accomplished by handing them all to one (unsuspecting) person.

The purpose of the job is to get the word out to those who might be responsive. If you know in advance that you will never be persuaded to do whatever it is the flier asks you to do -- sign a petition, buy a product, or whatever else -- and yet want to help the distributor to accomplish his or her purpose, Miss Manners recommends saying "No, thank you," and moving on.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am in need of advice as to the correct name or title I should use in requesting/inquiring about a possible position as a lady's maid. The description seems somehow unusual or out of date. Please allow me to explain.

One of the talents I possess is the ability to improve anyone's appearance. I have a cosmetology license, know textiles, and am very good with the details of dressing properly for any given occasion. I can do some hand sewing and ironing, and can send the person or object of my attentions out to meet the world in the best possible condition. I can make something out of nothing.

I dislike working a 9-to-5 job. Period. I have spent a lifetime caring for other humans and their needs. Now, perhaps it is time to start making a career (a paying one). When I send my letter of inquiry, should I request the position as a dresser?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners hardly knows whether she is sighing over this question because it would be so lovely to have a lady's maid or because it is so lovely that you take pride in having the skills to be one.

For a long time, there was a notion that all ladies were supposed to have such skills, at least in regard to themselves. There was also the odd notion that it was admirable to do these things for oneself but, along with cleaning house and rearing children, shameful to do them for someone else. Even now, when these services are more valuable than ever, they lack prestige, not to mention decent pay and working conditions.

A common way to combat this ridiculous injustice has been to make the titles of the belittled jobs into something that sounds more important. "Estate manager" for keeping house, for example.

It seems to Miss Manners as if doing this acknowledges that the job is not important and must be disguised. She supposes that you would do better offering yourself as a personal stylist or image maintainer than a lady's maid, but she thinks that a pity.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am going to throw my husband a surprise 80th birthday party, but I don't want the guests to feel they have to give gifts and if they do I would like them to give to the place called HOSPICS, because I think they are a great place and do a great thing. We don't need hospices at this time, but might in the future.

How would I put that in the invitation? Or would I just not say anything and let him get gifts which he doesn't want or need?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners is glad to be able to retreat here to the general rule that it is rude to look upon guests as a source of either goods or money, and no better when you want to use the money to do good.

Giving to charity is a wonderful impulse, but not when you are being so generous with other people's money. Whatever presents people give your husband will be his, however, and he is free to dispose of them in a charitable way.

This should save Miss Manners' having to mention that while the cause you mention is an excellent one, connecting it with the celebration of someone's 80th birthday is not a happy idea. Please find another way to offer it your support.

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Having been congratulated for "attempting to preserve the etiquette of a bygone era," Miss Manners was wary. This is the kind of pat on the head that precedes, "Now go play quietly in the corner. The grown-ups are busy doing the real business of the world."

And here poor Miss Manners thought that a chief item on the real world's agenda was what is often referred to as restoring civility -- although it should also mean instituting civility in areas of behavior where it did not previously exist.

As with other aspects of our civilization, this involves both retaining wisdom and tradition from the past and developing and adapting rules for modern life. Like all responsible lawmakers, Miss Manners neither trashes nor freezes our heritage, but adapts it for changing conditions.

"has set the bar unrealistically high for our present social scene." As her object is to encourage people to treat one another better, why would she want to set such an impossibly high standard?

Because it works better than setting a low standard.

With a high standard, many fail to live up to the requirements, but a goodly number of people do live up to them. And those who do not are at least aware what should be done -- as we know from their indignation when others behave toward them the way they behave toward others.

When standards are lowered, as Miss Manners gathers the gentleman would prefer her to do, it is amazing how quickly they are lived down to, as it were. Indeed, in their zealousness to keep up, or rather down, with the new standard, great numbers of people soon bypass it altogether.

To use one of the gentleman's examples, which is a common one: "Certainly no one would write a thank-you note for a dinner when a phone call or an e-mail would suffice." Actually, thank-you letters for dinners are being handwritten, even from the gentleman's very own ZIP code (Miss Manners has spies everywhere). The current rule deems them necessary for serious entertainment and presents, while e-mail and telephone calls are sufficient as thanks for trivial favors.

Do many people fail to live up to this? Legions. But the number of people who thank by e-mail or telephone is vastly exceeded by the number of people who simply fail to thank.

If queried, those who use the halfway measure will argue that no one has time to write letters anymore, and those who omit thanking altogether will argue that it is so old-fashioned and that no one expects it. And if they are correct, then thanking should be changed or abolished.

Miss Manners will leave aside the question of whether there is less time available now than before our wealth of laborsaving devices were invented or whether we just choose to use it differently. It is undeniable that the acts that prompt thanks -- planning and making a dinner party, selecting and purchasing a present -- take more time than the few minutes to write a letter, and the time difference between using paper or using a computer or telephone is miniscule.

For a busy person to express proper gratitude for another busy person's kind generosity is not a requirement that will ever pass out of fashion.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What kind of apology is "I'm sorry I yelled at you, but you made me really mad"?

GENTLE READER: That is a Blame the Victim apology. Other examples would be "I regret that your nose got in the way of my fist" and "I'm sorry you are offended by my calling you a liar." However much they comfort the perpetrator, Miss Manners is afraid that they do nothing to mollify the victim.

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