With all the lists, notebooks and Web sites that people use to plan weddings, they still keep getting the proper order of events backward. And Miss Manners isn't even counting the widespread notion that consummation should occur before committing to courtship, and house-holding before becoming engaged.

She is referring to other practices that have become commonplace:

-- Deciding where to be married and planning a string of related events before determining if the couple's families can or will spend the amount of time and money they would have to in order to have the expected pleasure -- or perform the duty -- of attending a relative's wedding.

-- Finding the site for the reception and then dealing with its limitations when composing the guest list, rather than first figuring out who should be invited and finding a place that will accommodate them all.

-- Choosing the bridesmaids' dresses before hearing the bridesmaids' views about what will suit each of them and what each can afford, and telling them what parties to throw without being asked.

-- Selecting the wedding presents without waiting to see what the guests might care to give them, and then letting the guests know what to buy without being asked.

-- Throughout all the planning, making decisions without having accumulated the money to pay for their results.

These upside-down approaches lead to much of the ugliness now associated with weddings. It is only the beginning when the bridesmaids find out what they have implicitly agreed to wear without having been given any warning or say, and deliver their opinions after the fact.

When the invitations go out, those who could reasonably expect to be invited ("reasonably" meaning relatives, friends and those who issued invitations to their own weddings, not office colleagues and other volunteers) but who were cut because of space limitations are, with good reason, hurt.

Then there are the people who are invited, but who are calculating what attending would involve. In a mobile society, wedding guests are used to having to travel, as the principals rarely live all in the same place. It is something else altogether, however, to be issued an entire holiday package, planned by others but at the guests' expense.

Furthermore, guests are likely to be targeted when the couple deals with the gap between their resources and their plans. A myriad of nasty little schemes for profiting from the guests has arisen, as if marriage conferred a license to beg.

Presents are pre-selected and announced by the couple -- if, indeed, they don't ask for cash. Three or more rounds can be expected -- for an engagement party, any number of showers and the wedding -- and the registries show that these are not to be trivial.

To avoid this sort of trouble, the couple need only turn their planning notebooks upside down, so that they fit their plans to the people they should invite and the money they can spend, instead of the other way around.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was ready to leave a parking space this morning. I was belted in and my engine was started. A young woman stepped into the space between my car and the car next to mine and began a cell phone call. It was unsafe for me to pull out, so I waited until she finished. Fortunately, it was only a couple of minutes.

Since then, I have examined the alternatives to waiting had she taken longer. Would exiting my car, excusing myself for interrupting and asking her to please move have been acceptable? Do you recommend any more expeditious action?

GENTLE READER: If those are the only alternatives that came to mind, Miss Manners congratulates you. You might even have been forgiven for honking and watching her jump.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: What does one do with used linen guest towels? As a hostess, I provide a stack of lovely guest towels in the first-floor "powder room," but they are never used; guests use the one towel on the towel rack.

I believe the reluctance to use the guest towels is perplexity regarding the disposal of the towel once it is used. I keep a smallish, basket-type receptacle on the floor for disposal -- to no avail. What should I provide for my guests and how do I convey use of the items I provide?

GENTLE READER: It's not the disposal problem. It's the totem problem.

Of all things to revere, our society has chosen to treat the guest towel as a sacred object, not to be profaned by use. People who scorn etiquette and flout its rules nevertheless respect the linen guest towel.

You have done all you reasonably can, and the rest is up to your guests. Other despairing hostesses have resorted to terrycloth or "fancy" paper versions, but Miss Manners considers that pandering.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband waits tables in a fine-dining restaurant that is run by a family. They are all incredibly rude, asking questions that are quite frankly none of their business.

I worked in this restaurant for about a year until I realized I couldn't put up with the erratic demands and fiery temperament of one of the owners in particular.

This man is where my trouble comes in. There is no actual cutoff time to the dinner shift. It's basically a situation where they "get out when they get out." For this reason, I occasionally find myself having to call and ask my husband if he's ready to be picked up. I only call when I'm not going to be at home and he won't know where to find me.

Usually when I call, this rude owner picks up the phone and makes inappropriate jokes to me like, "He left with another girl" or "He's in the back making out with one of the waitresses." I understand that these are supposed to be construed as jokes. I have tried to take this with a grain of salt, but I have to say that after a year of this I am ready to blow.

I have actually tried to just figure out when my husband would be off and wait out front for him in the car. However, I am eight months pregnant and I have a 2 year old. It's not rational to have to do this.

What do you suggest? If you are going to suggest that my husband say something, I have already asked him to set some boundaries with this man and his response is "He's just kidding."

GENTLE READER: Not having to deal with tedious intermediaries is as good an argument as Miss Manners has heard in favor of cellular telephones.

But even if you do have to talk to such a person, you don't have to encourage him by reacting. The reply to "He left with another girl" should be "Please tell him to call me when he gets back," and to "He's in the back making out" should be "Please tell him to call me when he's finished." It should not be hard to muster a bored tone with which to respond to such boring jokes.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: A 30-something friend's mother died in a traffic accident, at which his father was injured but recovered. Theirs had been a long and happy marriage.

On the one-year anniversary of her death, the family and friends held a celebratory memorial event, with dancing and speeches (the mother was a teacher of Scottish country dance). During the evening, my friend's father introduced him to his new girlfriend, a contemporary he met at dance class.

Was it appropriate for the girlfriend to come to the event as the father's "date"? (I can certainly see her attending if she was a friend or acquaintance of the deceased, but I have some difficulty finding it appropriate that she did so in the capacity of the "new woman.") And was it appropriate for the father to introduce her as the new woman in his life to his son at this event?

My friend found the whole thing rather traumatic. He is not opposed to his father finding someone new and likes the lady perfectly well, but would have preferred to meet her for the first time at an event not dedicated to the memory of his mother.

GENTLE READER: Where does your friend's father get his etiquette tips? From Hamlet's mother?

You may recall that when Hamlet told his friend about her marriage to his uncle soon after his father's death, he said she must have been guided by "Thrift, thrift, Horatio! the funeral bak'd meats did coldly furnish forth the marriage tables."

Combining mourning rites with irrelevant events is a terrible idea that a number of people seem to harbor. Every Christmas Miss Manners has to tell people that no, they should not put death announcements into their Christmas cards. But it is particularly vulgar when the new element has to do with romantic consolation for the bereaved, no matter how much is saved on the refreshments.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am fastidious in responding promptly to the sender of an invitation that contains an RSVP request, with one exception. From time to time I receive such an invitation from an institution or politician to whom I have given money in the past. The card to be returned usually gives me the choice of selecting from two options. One option is to say I can attend and that my check is enclosed. The other option allows me to say that I cannot attend, but that I am enclosing a check anyway.

The option of both not attending and not paying is not offered. I feel as if I am entitled to ignore any RSVP for an event that requires me to pay. Am I correct?

GENTLE READER: Nobody is as much of a stickler about answering invitations as Miss Manners, but yes, you are correct. No useful work would get done in the world if we all had to respond to mail solicitations for money with charming little notes explaining how terribly sorry we are not to have the honor of bankrolling them.

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