DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have offended my sister-in-law by talking about my day and not asking about hers. She hung up on me because she says I do this all the time.

She is probably correct, but I am used to my other friends just telling me without being prompted. I have apologized -- to an answering machine, as she would not take my call.

How do I handle this? I feel sick she feels I don't care, and really I am just busy and was excited about my day.

GENTLE READER: Your sister-in-law has a point. Or at any rate, she did before she lost all etiquette credibility by hanging up on you. You have no idea how hard it is on Miss Manners that those interested in the advance of etiquette so often consider themselves exempt from practicing it.

In extraordinary circumstances, one can blurt out "Guess what?" and give exciting news before inquiring about the other person. To do that all the time, and never to inquire about others, is the definition of a selfish boor.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was, years ago, a preschool teacher and nanny, and so am very good with children. Because I love them and miss working with them, my friends all know that if they have an emergency, or if their baby sitter cancels, they can call on me and I'm delighted to come watch the kiddies. I have no interest in being anyone's regular baby sitter; I have my own career. But it's fun to do occasionally.

Often, the people my friends are going out with will come by the house, either before or after the event. If my friends are in the room when I meet these people, it's no problem; introductions are made. More often than not, though, they're off checking on the kids, and so the guests and I meet on our own.

For me, I am meeting and chatting with friends of my friends, people I will no doubt be at a dinner party with at some point. For them, they are chatting with the hired help. Most of them aren't snobbish or anything; they are perfectly polite -- the way one should be to a friend's employee. But I can see them becoming uncomfortable when I help myself to a drink and ask them how they know our friends.

When our friends do finally reappear and introduce me (or don't, assuming I already have), their friends feel embarrassed. What can I say to people to make my position clear? Or should I just act like the employee they assume I am until an introduction can be made?

GENTLE READER: Why do you think that an introduction cannot be made when your hosts are absent?

Miss Manners realizes that things would be easier if your friends were there to say, "This is our dear friend Tori Bonnet, who rescued us when our baby sitter cancelled. She offered to stay with the children, who adore her. Isn't she wonderful? We only wish she were joining us, but unfortunately she can't do both at once."

But people who find themselves under the same roof without a host in sight are supposed to introduce themselves. You can't make it quite as glowing, but you can say, "I'm a friend of Mary's and Noah's, and I'm pinch-hitting for the baby sitter." They would then know that they should not ask you if you are free next Saturday and how much you charge by the hour.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I recently got involved in a difficult situation regarding my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend. E-mails were written by both of us that were rude and insulting; mine more so than hers. This girl's boyfriend then e-mailed others involved and it has, of course, become entirely a mess.

I know that I cannot take back the things I said nor would I want to. I do not feel remorse over my negative opinions of her behavior. Apologizing for my behavior and my words would be false on my part and I believe would not produce any positive results.

However, this couple is now telling mutual friends that if I am going to be at social functions they will not be there and doing so in a manner that suggests the hosts should "take sides" and tell me I am not invited. This is putting hosts in very difficult positions and my boyfriend as well, since these people involved are his friends and have been for many years but they don't want me invited to their gatherings. I have no idea how to get out of this situation and would appreciate any suggestions you could give.

GENTLE READER: No, you probably won't appreciate them. You have already rejected the entire etiquette arsenal of defense mechanisms for getting out of trouble that you have gotten yourself into.

These are: showing (if not feeling) remorse, claiming that what was insulting was not really what you meant and apologizing. Oh, and flowers, but Miss Manners somehow doubts that these are what you have in mind.

By your own admission, you were rude and insulting. Although the other party doesn't sound charming either, you admit you were worse. Having offended them, you should not be surprised that they were offended. And apparently others agree.

Miss Manners is sorry, but she is fresh out of ideas about how to be rude and get away with it. Claiming identity theft?

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One of the side effects of serious illness is a sudden drop in the level of tact to which the sick person is exposed.

You might suppose that those who are sensitive enough to show concern for the afflictions of others would have the sensitivity not to contribute to their discomfort. Miss Manners is sorry to report that you would be wrong.

Illness often brings out the worst in the well. They accost strangers. They point out physical symptoms. They ask nosy questions. They offer unsolicited and unsubstantiated medical and physiological advice. They relate tales of others with the same or a similar disease to make the point that miraculous recoveries should be expected. Or they relate such tales to make the point that there are much worse cases, which the person they are addressing should feel lucky not to have.

Why do they do keep doing this sort of thing?

They'll tell you why. It's because they care. And because they want to cheer up the sick.

These are noble motives, and Miss Manners does not doubt that some of the people who claim to harbor them actually do care. It all goes to show that good feelings can be bad guides to good behavior.

Two of the most natural reactions to serious illness are curiosity and fear, and these are the ones that prompt the worst behavior. The curious fire off questions that not only invade the privacy of the ill but keep them conversationally confined to that one topic. The fearful just shun them. Both kinds defend themselves on the basis of their own emotions ("I was just curious" or "I can't stand to see him like that") without so much as considering the emotions that their behavior is apt to cause.

This makes it difficult for Miss Manners to count them among the caring. But even those who do care, to greater or lesser degrees, are mistaken if they believe that they can always depend on the simple and direct expression of their feelings to make anyone feel better. Other than themselves, that is.

They have to learn to gear their expressions of concern to their general knowledge of the sick person and on-the-spot assessments of that person's mood at a given time. Even inquiries about someone's immediate state of health can be annoying if they are too frequent, or if they come at a time when that person was feeling chipper enough to concentrate on something else and didn't need to be reminded.

Discussions of the disease should be initiated -- or not -- by the person who has it. Miss Manners has never yet heard such a person beg someone who neither has nor treats the disease to cough up every scrap he has heard about it and every case history he knows, but these should not be offered without an invitation.

Those overdue calls that people make on hearing bad news can be welcome or depressing. The ones that take the tone of "I miss you" are usually welcome. The ones that take the tone of "I figured I'd better call before I miss you" are not.

A question sympathizers might ask themselves is not only how the sick person feels now, deeply as they may worry about this, but how that person will feel after their concern has been expressed.

DEAR MISS MANNERS -- I am recently divorced after 21 years. Family and friends have come up to me many times and have said, "We never liked him. Did you know that?" They were so proud of themselves. They may have thought they were trying to make me feel better, but I assure you, it hurt and still does. I consider it an insult. What can I say to them that will stop them dead in their tracks?

GENTLE READER -- "Well, I did." And, presuming that you can reasonably add this, "as a matter of fact, I still do."

Miss Manners understands how galling it is to be told that people with whom you socialized were secretly disparaging your spouse all along, even when things were going well. Makes you wonder about their opinion of you, beginning with how naive you were not to see his undesirability when they did.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am recently divorced after 21 years. Family and friends have come up to me many times and have said, "We never liked him. Did you know that?" They were so proud of themselves. They may have thought they were trying to make me feel better, but I assure you, it hurt and still does. I consider it an insult. What can I say to them that will stop them dead in their tracks?

GENTLE READER: "Well, I did." And, presuming that you can reasonably add this, "as a matter of fact, I still do."

Miss Manners understands how galling it is to be told that people with whom you socialized were secretly disparaging your spouse all along, even when things were going well. Makes you wonder about their opinion of you, beginning with how naive you were not to see his undesirability when they did.

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